What Do I Want to be When I Grow Up?

 I was digging in a box and came across one of my scrapbooks that my mom made with things from when I was a little kid.  There were things like valentine cards from kindergarten, birthday cards, report cards and a few of my early drawings.

One drawing must have been an assignment from kindergarten.  The caption on the drawing is "I want to be a farm girl".

Most likely is was a prompt "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Thinking about it now, kids are asked...what do you want to be?

Firemen, police officer, teacher, scientist, mail carrier.....

Not one of us ever thought...

I want to be happy.

We were pushed into career choices at such a young age.  We gear our education towards a career.  We aim for a career.

We never aim to be happy.

For most of my life, I have battled severe depression.  I have attempted careers.  None have resulted in happiness.  Some have resulted in the feeling of failure.

Why aren't we encouraging our children to be happy?

I remember my mother's reaction about wanting to be a farm girl.  She said that I really didn't want to be one.  I should be someone who makes money and support myself.  Happiness was never a thought.  If she would have just said, just as long as you are happy, that is what is important.

Looking back on some of my "life choices", I realize that they really weren't my own choices.

I really wanted to go to school to mold my creativity into something that would give me joy..... happiness.

If you are happy, are you really poor?

Now I am spending a majority of my time creating.  I work long hours and give up plans in order to finish an idea.  I lost my job but so far, I am able to support myself.

I may not be entirely happy, but it is a start.

I Hate My Reflection

 

I saw my reflection the other day and didn't recognize myself.  A tired, sad face stared back.  

My happiness was not that long ago.

But that was just a fleeting moment it seems...

My weight has ballooned and my smile has dimmed.

I carry so much depression these days.

Sometimes I am just not strong enough to battle the demons in my head.  

I eat my depression.  The more I am depressed, the more I try to shut it up with food or drink until I am numb inside.

I recognize my triggers but sometimes I can't avoid them. (damn it)

When someone I live with makes negative comments about my weight, intelligence, capabilities, life choices, spending habits, and anything else he feels like commenting on, I start to see myself as not worthy of anything.

I feel so small and unlovable... insignificant.

Lately, I have been keeping to myself.  I don't want to be around anyone.  Secretly thinking that they will see me as I feel.  They might judge me.  Whoever "they" are in my mind, "they" are affecting me in a negative way.

Trying to explain how I feel is so hard.  I bottle it inside, put on a brave face, pretend to the world that I am fine.

Taking control of my thoughts and recognizing my triggers is such an exhausting task.  Its takes all of my energy to not crumble into pieces.

I tell myself.....

I cannot control other people's opinion of me but I can control how I react to it.

I cannot make anyone love me how I think I should be loved but I can control the boundaries I allow them to cross.  

I cannot live how anyone thinks I should live but I can control my life.  

When others try to bring you down, they are unhappy with themselves.

I will allow myself to be happy with who I am.

oh and.... I joined weight watchers.

24 Hours on Tinder

 

I decided to join Tinder so see what the hype was about.  I know it has been around awhile but I had become leery of online dating since the time I met someone on Plenty of Fish and he ended up licking my cheek.  I wrote about the incident once, but I am not in the mood to go look for it.

Anyway, about 24 hours ago, I signed up on Tinder.  

We were talking about it at work and I was just curious to see what would happen.  Being recently single after a brief relationship, I was willing to give it a shot.

I am still trying to figure it all out but in the last 24 hours, this is what I learned.

I would read an entire profile and see what they are looking for.  I swiped right on those who are looking for someone fun, someone to go do things with.  Some are looking for a long term, meaningful relationship.  So, I respond to messages of those I matches with and and they will still ask about your favorite sexual position in the first 10 minutes I find this a very interesting way to start off a potential long term relationship with a possible soul mate.  *insert eyeroll here*

I also have been asked to provide more photos of myself even though I look the same in all photos except this one:

And that is just me tired of being asked for more photos.

Speaking of photos...

Currently I have enough dick pics to wallpaper the garage.  Why do guys think that a dick is a turn on?  Most men don't even know how to use it correctly.  Seriously, they are not pretty and a lot of times they remind me of a turkey neck.  I received one such masterpiece and was asked is I like it and I said I couldn't give an honest opinion because I was still comparing it to the last dick pic I got.

Then they have the balls (see what I did there?) to ask for naked pics of me.  "Well, I sent you one of me, so...."  Seriously????  I didn't even ask for one of you.

My one favorite question that I get asked is "What are you looking for?".  I usually am a smart ass and respond with "I didn't know I lost anything."  Hell, what I am looking for to start with is a decent conversation.  You can send me all the dick pics you want but prove to me that you aren't stupid.  Send me a video of you reading out loud or solving a word problem.... hell, recite a Shakespearian sonnet. 

Another observation is when I send a message to someone to say hello, they respond "hi" and that's it.  Then crickets....  Buddy, you matched with me and I send a message and then nothing.  You can't possibly be looking for a relationship if you don't participate in conversation.  Am I wrong?

I also get told that I am pretty or sexy and then they want to know my breast size.  Do men really understand cup sizes?  What does the size of my boobs have to do with my intellect or my personality?  It's not like I keep my brain in them.  

Men who state that they want a serious relationship and then ask about your boobs aren't very serious about any relationship.

Being in my 50's, I am more into a relationship that is more than just dicks and boobs.  Are we even going to try a favorite position when we are in our 80's? 

If you are looking for a serious relationship, then there is more to just asking about cup sizes and dick pics.  Strike up a good conversation, pick a topic that doesn't lead to sexual bullshit.  Pick my brain, make me laugh, stop asking for more pictures and for God's sake, put your penis away.

Head Gremlins

 

I've been in a strange head space lately.  I've been doing so well on controlling the mind gremlins but those sneaky bastards are telling me lies again.

So many blows to my psyche lately have been breaking the barrier into my mind and heart.  I have been feeling such a deep sadness and don't know when I will be able to pull out of it.

Changes have a lot to do with messing with my head space. 

I've moved so I am trying to get my living space just right to where I can allow myself to decompress.  Right now, it just chaos and boxes.  I can't really put things in their place until the house speaks to me.  I do have my bedroom clear of clutter and everything is put away but my other spaces need some work.  I realize that takes time but this is a small part of what is causing me stress.

I have kind of a new role at work so when I go in, I am not sure what the plan of attack will be for any given day.  I also have continuous interruptions due to training others and that is wearing on me.  I will power through it and eventually my work place will be fine but for now, it gives my mind gremlins another break in the wall.

I also was in a brief relationship.  I had a glimpse of what it means to have someone care for me in a way that I deserved to be treated.  It ended abruptly with really no one at fault.  I am angry with God for giving me something so wonderful and then yanking it away.

I find myself pulled in many directions and have a full plate.  I need to step back from spreading myself too thin and do something for me.

So with everything going on, the mind gremlins have been lying to me again.  The distractions and the chaos allows them to go in and whisper in my ear.  They tell me things.

I feel that I am not strong enough to handle the lies.  I start to believe them.  My self worth starts to crumble and I feel unloved and cornered.  I have no inner peace.  I look in the mirror and see my tired, sad eyes and believe that I am ugly and not worthy of this life.

Mind gremlins....

I've been dealing with them for so many years.  

I know that this will pass and that I have to push through the feelings.

They lie.  I know they lie.

But still I find myself believing them.

As I type this, I hear them whisper the lies.

Fat, ugly, stupid, unlovable, crazy, not good enough, and so on...

I know they're lies but at the same time, I believe them.

When I write about how I am feeling.  It helps a little.  To get it out and to digest it.  It allows me to step back and validate how I feel and work through it.

I know this feeling will pass with each day as I adjust to my new normal.

It just takes time to evict the mind gremlins.

My Guard Is Up

 

Sometimes I have the idea of what I want to write but the hardest part is starting the dialog.

I often find myself wanting to apologize for my feelings.  When I express how I feel I worry that I might hurt or offend who I am expressing to.  I have tried to find some understanding as to why I tend to do this.  I have given advice to others that we are entitled to have our feelings and shouldn't have to apologize for them and yet I do it.

Recently, I have expressed my feelings to someone on how I didn't deserve to be treated a certain way.  I wasn't loud about it and I wasn't vulgar in calling names.  I just expressed my feelings of being hurt and not understanding why he felt that it was ok to treat me a certain way.

I am fighting the urge to apologize for expressing how I feel.  I am uncertain why.  I wasn't the shitty one.

I am what is considered to be a guarded girl.  I have loved and loved deeply only to be hurt by that person I loved.  My walls are up and my heart is scarred.

Many have hurt me, left me and I often feel unlovable to a fault.

I never understand why no one wants to step up and be that person that I deserve.  We all deserve to have 100% of someone.  Imagine how it would feel to have that in a relationship.

I promise that I am that guarded girl who, once my heart is opened, I would love the total shit out of you.

Life is way too short for shitty relationships.  

I am no longer going to apologize for my feelings.

If you hurt me, I will let you know.  I will not want a response or an apology.  I will simply walk away.

There is someone out there who is more deserving of what I have to offer.

That someone will be one lucky son of a bitch.

 

A Girl Like Me 2.0

 

A girl like me overthinks.

A girl like me needs to realize that she doesn't need to have someone tell her that she's beautiful because she is.

A girl like me needs to not allow her insecurities to lie to her.

A girl like me should know her worth and not allow the unspoken words manifest in her mind.

A girl like me should not be afraid to have difficult conversations.

A girl like me needs to communicate her feelings to a guy like him.

A girl like me needs to understand that a guy like him is not like the other guys that hurt her.

A girl like me needs to realize that a guy like him will not know how a girl like me thinks and feels unless I share it.

A girl like me cannot assume that a guy like him will know what is wrong unless we have a conversation.

A girl like me needs to stop overthinking and just breathe.

A Girl Like Me

 

A girl like me never gets flowers.

A girl like me is always called sexy or hot.

A girl like me is never told she is beautiful.

A girl like me gets sent dick pics and not kind words.

A girl like me never gets asked out to dinner.

Guys only want to fuck a girl like me.  A girl like me never gets to have a relationship.  

Guys don't love a girl like me.

A girl like me starts to doubt our self worth.

A girl like me doesn't feel like they are loveable.

A girl like me feels used and tossed away like a used tissue.

A girl like me cries themselves to sleep because they wish they had someone to hold them.

A girl like me deserves better.  A girl like me deserves 100%.

A girl like me wishes that I wasn't a girl like me.