My laptop took a crap and I am using my son's, which isn't the easiest to use. As I type, the cursor moves around and typos happen.
I also haven't had much to say. Who wants to hear about my adventures in fondling tomatoes and inspecting bananas?
Anyway....
This time of year is graduation. It is a happy time for families and students.
As I scrolled through my Facebook feed the other day I came across a photo of my aunt and uncle with their granddaughter. I teared up suddenly. My aunt looks so much like my mother. The same salt and pepper hair, the same shape face. I starred at the photo. My cousin's daughter reminds me of my own with long brown hair and a wide smile. I cried.
My mother died a few years ago from lung cancer. I never really sobbed over it. I don't think I grieved like you would imagine what grieving would be like. It is weird and hard to explain. I just expected to break down but I never did.
Back to the photo...
I think my tears came from anger. I am angry at my mom for dying. It is such a raw and real emotion. It came from just picturing my own mother and daughter on Kate's graduation day. This will never happen.
I used to think my mom would be around to share in my children's life events.
I think what angers me the most is that she was so selfish to not see a doctor sooner or to take better care of herself. She admitted that she hadn't seen a doctor of 17 years prior to the cancer diagnosis.
Maybe is a normal feeling to be angry.
I also think I am thinking more of missing my mother because I have been through some rough times over the last couple of years. There are times I wish I could just call her. She had a way of talking you off the ledge and give you a sense that everything will be ok.
Sigh...
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