My Brain is Driving Me Crazy

These last few days I have been having a depression flare up.  I hate that.  I brace myself for it and just hang on until it passes.

Sometimes the weather triggers it and then sometimes the hormones go all whack-a-doo.

Sometimes my kids demand more from me than I want to give.

Sometimes it isn't anything at all.

This time it is a little different.

My brain won't shut up.

I guess we can call it the voices in my head and we can all chuckle about it....but it really isn't' funny.

I miss my therapist for things like this.

I find myself thinking that there has to be more to my life than just this.  Work, sleep, work, sleep....minimal fun time, minimal relax time.  I want an adventure.  I want to do something bold.  I want more to my life than just this.

I read some where that when you find yourself thinking this way that you should make the change.  

Yes, but that shit is scary.

I also find myself in a mental struggle in wanting to tell someone how I feel but I am afraid of the reaction.  I am afraid of rejection.  I am mostly afraid of getting hurt....again.

That shit is scary too.

I look in the mirror and wonder how anyone could want to be with me.  I feel ugly.  I look tired.  I also have the hidden crazy inside too.

ugh....

I struggle with work.  I like what I do and I work hard at it.  I am scared that I am not doing the right thing or that I will piss someone off.  I also am afraid that I just might tell off a customer who really deserves it.  Some of my coworkers also need a reality slap to the head.

People are assholes.

Even worse, they don't care that they are assholes.

I have a big trip coming up on behalf of the company.  I am honored to be chosen to represent the store and have the opportunity to feel like a bigger part of the picture.  Travel always gives me anxiety.  I fear getting lost or missing a flight.  I fear I won't find a ride to where I need to stay.  I fear I will forget to pack something that I really need.  I am always afraid that I won't have enough money.

Stupid, eh?

Maybe it is the fears that are driving me nuts.

But then again, the brain eggs on the fears.

My brain tells me that I don't deserve a great relationship.  It tells me that I deserve this mundane life. It also tells me that I will miss my flight.  

Oh there are so many other things it tells me but I would be here for months typing it all out.

I read all sorts of self help crap.

Ask for what you want.  See it, do it.  A successful trip is well planned.  Fear is nothing but an illusion.  blah blah blah

I know, I'm making excuses.  I need to work through all this crap in my head.

I am stronger than the voices.  (haha)

I've rambled on enough about it.

Besides, my brain is tired.