These last few days I have been having a depression flare up. I hate that. I brace myself for it and just hang on until it passes.
Sometimes the weather triggers it and then sometimes the hormones go all whack-a-doo.
Sometimes my kids demand more from me than I want to give.
Sometimes it isn't anything at all.
This time it is a little different.
My brain won't shut up.
I guess we can call it the voices in my head and we can all chuckle about it....but it really isn't' funny.
I miss my therapist for things like this.
I find myself thinking that there has to be more to my life than just this. Work, sleep, work, sleep....minimal fun time, minimal relax time. I want an adventure. I want to do something bold. I want more to my life than just this.
I read some where that when you find yourself thinking this way that you should make the change.
Yes, but that shit is scary.
I also find myself in a mental struggle in wanting to tell someone how I feel but I am afraid of the reaction. I am afraid of rejection. I am mostly afraid of getting hurt....again.
That shit is scary too.
I look in the mirror and wonder how anyone could want to be with me. I feel ugly. I look tired. I also have the hidden crazy inside too.
ugh....
I struggle with work. I like what I do and I work hard at it. I am scared that I am not doing the right thing or that I will piss someone off. I also am afraid that I just might tell off a customer who really deserves it. Some of my coworkers also need a reality slap to the head.
People are assholes.
Even worse, they don't care that they are assholes.
I have a big trip coming up on behalf of the company. I am honored to be chosen to represent the store and have the opportunity to feel like a bigger part of the picture. Travel always gives me anxiety. I fear getting lost or missing a flight. I fear I won't find a ride to where I need to stay. I fear I will forget to pack something that I really need. I am always afraid that I won't have enough money.
Stupid, eh?
Maybe it is the fears that are driving me nuts.
But then again, the brain eggs on the fears.
My brain tells me that I don't deserve a great relationship. It tells me that I deserve this mundane life. It also tells me that I will miss my flight.
Oh there are so many other things it tells me but I would be here for months typing it all out.
I read all sorts of self help crap.
Ask for what you want. See it, do it. A successful trip is well planned. Fear is nothing but an illusion. blah blah blah
I know, I'm making excuses. I need to work through all this crap in my head.
I am stronger than the voices. (haha)
I've rambled on enough about it.
Besides, my brain is tired.
This weekend included a vendor fair in which I was selling my hand crafted bows and charms and other fun little items.
One of the other vendors was with Origami Owl. As a maker of little fun items, naturally I was intrigued. I went back to her table several times and learned the scoop on the company and its founder and how it worked and a whole bunch of other interesting tidbits.
The one thing that had me was that the founder was a teenage girl. This girl is now a muli-millionaire at the age of 17.
What. The. Hell....
She is 17.
I am 44.
I have always dreamed about starting my own business. Not necessarily for the money aspect (although that would be awesome) but for the whole reason of not having to work by anyone else's rules.
I am thinking about joining the Origami Owl team but at the same time I wonder about coming up with my own thing instead of selling someone else's thing.
It gives me so much to think about.
I have been reading so many books and blogs about starting up a business. I have also been reading up on how to target your dreams and make them into a reality.
My head is literally swimming with so many thoughts. It is making me nuts.
I feel it in my heart that if I just find what makes me the happiest, I can truly make it into something successful.
Currently I am just crafting and selling on Etsy....
https://www.etsy.com/shop/Inspiralicious?ref=si_shop
But....there may be something else that would be an even better idea coming.
I can just feel it.
Hell, if she can do it, I can do it. ;-)
I've been in Ninja Insurance Warrior Boot Camp for most of the week. I am training to be a Ninja Insurance Warrior. I need to complete this in order to get my super ability to indemnify people.
I am dead serious.
I have actually written several blog entries but haven't been able to post them. I wrote mostly about my feelings about my mom's death. It has been incredibly hard to write about since my emotions are all over the board and my writing reflect it.
I talked with my step dad tonight and he said that he has been yelling at my mom for leaving him. I can relate. I have wanted to yell many times at her. She left us too soon and she is mostly to blame for being stubborn and careless with her health. It makes me angry that she isn't around any more and will miss out on so many things.
Yeah, I know you might be thinking that she will be around anyway but to us living people it isn't the same as having her participate without popping up in a ghostly fashion.
Back to my training.
A couple of months ago I decided to make some changes. I needed to leave the profession I was in. I wasn't satisfied and I wasn't too happy about co-workers causing drama. I was stressed about mom being sick. Something had to give, so I left my job and took one at an insurance agency. I will be a licensed professional.
I went from working in a highly corporate (world headquarters) environment in which I had to watch what I said and did to working in a very relaxed environment with two people. It has been pretty darn cool and my stress level is way down. My stress cough is pretty much gone.
yay!
I knew I wasn't happy so I did something about it.
Even though change completely terrifies me, I did it.
yay again!
Courage comes from within.
I have always been afraid of change. Ok, well...not afraid but I just dislike it.
I guess I tend to stick with what I know and pretend to be happy.
Key word in the previous sentence is "pretend".
Pretending to be happy tend to get old and makes me grumpy and sad. I can only be grumpy and sad for so long before it eats at me until I am forced to make a change.
Change and courage go hand in hand for me.
It takes courage to change.
I have had so much change in the last couple of weeks. It is almost like change overload. So as I sit and write this, I am in kind of a fog.
I lost my mom a week ago today. She was diagnosed with cancer of the lungs, bones and adrenal glands back in August. We knew the end was coming but we always expected to have more time. I think everyone thinks that time is continuous in some sort of way. We tend to forget that time has a limit. It has been hard adjusting to this change. She isn't there anymore when I go to pick up the phone. She isn't there when I need to tell someone something grown up like. It is just weird.
I am not fond of this type of change.
The other change is today was my last day of my old job. I have been working for the same company for over 7 years. This was a record for me. I never intended to stay that long. It just sort of happened. My job was a big part of my life. If you think of it, when you spend 8 hours a day for five days a week for about 48 weeks a year (includes vacations and such). That's a lot of time in one place. Hell, I don't think I spend that much time at home even and I pay rent for this place. The job had its little changes. It became challenging but not enough to kept me there. I needed to change.
I was scared of this type of change.
But I did it.
I found a new job where I can meet new people and spread my wings a little. I needed less stress.
Change takes courage. We have to find the courage in ourselves to make that change. Sometimes that little voice that whispers "you got to do something about it" can be the scariest thing.
Sometimes we just need to take that leap.
