If you read my posts a lot, you already know that and you also know that I write to help deal with my depression as it creeps in and out like an evil character.
I can't control it sometimes and I just have to feel it. It hurts in a way that I cannot describe it. There is no pill. There is no relief. I just my tools to limp through it.
It had been building up for a time. I knew it was coming. I've taken several blows to my psyche. Failure and physical pain teamed with weather and financial stress was a recipe for an emotional shit storm.
Yesterday, it just came to a head.
One bad day can just tip it into the basket.
Today I woke up in a mood. Crying and sad, I forced myself to get dressed and head to work. I had hoped that it would pass as the day went along but no such luck.
When I was walking out to my car, the thoughts came. The scary thoughts that may cause alarm to anyone if I had spoken them out loud.
"What if I just disappeared?"
"What if I just ended it?"
"No one cares."
"The pain just needs to end."
"I'm always so alone."
You get the idea.
Now, I would never ever hurt myself or end my life but those thoughts do pop in the head. I'm sure if I didn't understand that depression lies, that I probably would do something to harm myself.
I just have to let the thoughts come so that they can go.
There are times where the fight is difficult.
There are times when I feel that I give more of myself to others than I receive. It takes a toll on me and it becomes hard to take care of myself first and that I need to give myself to me first.
I always find it interesting that people will mention that I look tired. I am tired. Fighting my own demons is exhausting. I can never say that to them. I just agree that I am tired and continue on.
At least I acknowledge my struggles and understand them. I know that it isn't easy for others.
Tomorrow is another day and it is one day closer to getting past this round.
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
