Some days are just hard.
If you read my posts a lot, you already know that and you also know that I write to help deal with my depression as it creeps in and out like an evil character.
I can't control it sometimes and I just have to feel it. It hurts in a way that I cannot describe it. There is no pill. There is no relief. I just my tools to limp through it.
It had been building up for a time. I knew it was coming. I've taken several blows to my psyche. Failure and physical pain teamed with weather and financial stress was a recipe for an emotional shit storm.
Yesterday, it just came to a head.
One bad day can just tip it into the basket.
Today I woke up in a mood. Crying and sad, I forced myself to get dressed and head to work. I had hoped that it would pass as the day went along but no such luck.
When I was walking out to my car, the thoughts came. The scary thoughts that may cause alarm to anyone if I had spoken them out loud.
"What if I just disappeared?"
"What if I just ended it?"
"No one cares."
"The pain just needs to end."
"I'm always so alone."
You get the idea.
Now, I would never ever hurt myself or end my life but those thoughts do pop in the head. I'm sure if I didn't understand that depression lies, that I probably would do something to harm myself.
I just have to let the thoughts come so that they can go.
There are times where the fight is difficult.
There are times when I feel that I give more of myself to others than I receive. It takes a toll on me and it becomes hard to take care of myself first and that I need to give myself to me first.
I always find it interesting that people will mention that I look tired. I am tired. Fighting my own demons is exhausting. I can never say that to them. I just agree that I am tired and continue on.
At least I acknowledge my struggles and understand them. I know that it isn't easy for others.
Tomorrow is another day and it is one day closer to getting past this round.
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
I don't brag much.
I never see the point. I don't need a pat on the back or sympathy.
I'm a single mom.
I have been for many years.
It is a struggle, a constant struggle.
I am so fortunate to have kids that turned out so great. They could have been such different people without my sacrifices.
My son is now an engineer. He has his head on straight. He works hard and is smart with his money.
My daughter is a straight A student and is on path to graduate with honors. She works, has a boyfriend and still manages to get constant As throughout her high school career.
I am amazed by both.
It has never been easy. It is so hard to be strong for them while over coming obstacles, many of which were put in my path by their fathers.
I am sure some of you are reading this and thinking about their fathers. Both fathers chose to bow out. They left turmoil and unknowns behind. They left me to deal with late night vomit, heartbreaks, homework, deadlines, school projects, fundraisers, practices, no money, utility shutoffs, and homelessness.
These fathers never had to make decisions, never signed field trip slips. They never offered to coach soccer. They never had to make sure the kids had to get to school on time. There never had to be around when a meltdown started.
I have learned enough about cars to encourage my son's love of them.
I've struggled with money. I have wondered how to put food on the table. I've even been evicted by my daughter's father.
I gave up on my own dreams, my own sanity, my own happiness for the sake of raising good kids.
I think I've earned the right to brag a little.
I have managed to raise successful adults.
It hasn't been easy.
Days have been extremely hard lately. I cry in private and I tell myself that it will get better.
I feel like I lie to myself.
The past few weeks have been difficult.
Too many changes all at once. The changes haven't been good to me or for me.
My job that I loved has turned into a job that I hate. Everything I loved about it was taken away.
I now get up at 3 am to be at work by 4. I bust my ass all day and never leave on time. I have bruises. I am exhausted.
My daughter's depression is challenging. It is hard to help someone who is depressed when you are struggling.
I find myself huddled in a ball most of my time. Trying to protect myself from my demons.
I'm tired. Not just a sleepy kind of tired.
I'm tired of feeling lost and disconnected. I try to find some sort of direction but often find myself in circles.
I'm tired of living this mundane life with the same day over and over again. I keep thinking that it will change but it never ever does.
I'm tired of being alone and feeling lonely. I have so much to give but there seems to be no one who wants to receive. There isn't anyone to talk to and it seems that my dog is the only one happy to see me at the end of the day.
I'm tired of the struggle of being on my own. I have no one to to share the heavy load of running a home.
I'm tired of fighting depression. Every day seems to big a huge struggle to get out of bed and put on a fake face that hides the demons that haunt me.
I'm tired of giving it my all only to be shot down time after time. My accomplishments are never recognized and the only time I hear anything is when I am failing.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of feeling like I want to curl up into a tight ball hoping that I just disappear.
I'm tired of trying to be strong. The knot between my shoulders grows tighter every single day.
I'm tired of just being me. Sometimes the thought creeps in. the very thought of ending everything.
I'm tired of being afraid to reach out for help. Help can be expensive. Have you ever had to pay for therapy?
I'm tired of shit just going all kinds of wrong.
I'm just so tired.
