I Don't Want to Live This Life Anymore

 

It's been awhile since I have written anything.  I usually blog when I am really suffering from depression.  To be honest, I've been suffering for a while now but just haven't had the energy to type it all out.

Christmas was hard.  I just didn't want to do it.  I didn't want to celebrate.  I didn't want to decorate.  I just didn't want to.  It was made worse by it also being my 56th anniversary of being here.

I can't say that I have had suicidal thoughts but I did have a scary moment when I whispered to myself, "I don't want to live this life anymore". 

Since I have had moments in the past where I did put a blade to my wrist or swallowed a bunch of pills, I was a bit scared of myself.

Intrusive thoughts can be horrible when you don't have a safety net.  No therapist to call, no action plan in place, no will to call a hotline.

I did take a moment to gather myself and think of the triggers.

No joy these days.

I have taken a creative break from my artwork.  This probably wasn't the best idea but if you have to force creativity, then it truly is not beneficial.  I also didn't want to do the art/craft shows this year.  To force myself to be something I wasn't feeling this year to people I do not know is hard, very hard.

I also live with my elderly father who can be challenging at times.  He is a very critical man.  Always has something negative to say.  I always feel unlovable because I don't meet his expectations of me.  I feel that I am not the daughter he wants.  I feel less than anything.  It is hard, very hard to not lose my shit altogether. 

My job has changed into something I am not happy doing.  We have new owners and again, I feel unneeded.  I have been shut out from what I liked doing and am now doing things I hate.  I don't want to go to work in the morning.  I am trying to ride out the storm but honestly, I hate it.

I hate interviewing more so there's that conundrum.

Money was super tight for awhile.  The one positive thing about the new ownership is that I no longer have to pay for my health insurance and that means more money in my pocket.

The opposite of this positive is that my car needs work which means money, which means, ugh.

I think when I say that I don't want to live this life anymore, I mean I don't want to live like this anymore.  There has to be a happier place for me.  There has to be something better out there. 

Or

There has to be a way to change my outlook on things.  I think I need to find things to do that I enjoy again.  I need to create more things.  I need to expand myself.  Travel maybe.... I have a bucket list.

I do have things to look forward to so I don't plan on leaving this life just yet.  I do plan on making some changes.  What those changes are will just need to be decided on.