I Don't Want to Live This Life Anymore

 

It's been awhile since I have written anything.  I usually blog when I am really suffering from depression.  To be honest, I've been suffering for a while now but just haven't had the energy to type it all out.

Christmas was hard.  I just didn't want to do it.  I didn't want to celebrate.  I didn't want to decorate.  I just didn't want to.  It was made worse by it also being my 56th anniversary of being here.

I can't say that I have had suicidal thoughts but I did have a scary moment when I whispered to myself, "I don't want to live this life anymore". 

Since I have had moments in the past where I did put a blade to my wrist or swallowed a bunch of pills, I was a bit scared of myself.

Intrusive thoughts can be horrible when you don't have a safety net.  No therapist to call, no action plan in place, no will to call a hotline.

I did take a moment to gather myself and think of the triggers.

No joy these days.

I have taken a creative break from my artwork.  This probably wasn't the best idea but if you have to force creativity, then it truly is not beneficial.  I also didn't want to do the art/craft shows this year.  To force myself to be something I wasn't feeling this year to people I do not know is hard, very hard.

I also live with my elderly father who can be challenging at times.  He is a very critical man.  Always has something negative to say.  I always feel unlovable because I don't meet his expectations of me.  I feel that I am not the daughter he wants.  I feel less than anything.  It is hard, very hard to not lose my shit altogether. 

My job has changed into something I am not happy doing.  We have new owners and again, I feel unneeded.  I have been shut out from what I liked doing and am now doing things I hate.  I don't want to go to work in the morning.  I am trying to ride out the storm but honestly, I hate it.

I hate interviewing more so there's that conundrum.

Money was super tight for awhile.  The one positive thing about the new ownership is that I no longer have to pay for my health insurance and that means more money in my pocket.

The opposite of this positive is that my car needs work which means money, which means, ugh.

I think when I say that I don't want to live this life anymore, I mean I don't want to live like this anymore.  There has to be a happier place for me.  There has to be something better out there. 

Or

There has to be a way to change my outlook on things.  I think I need to find things to do that I enjoy again.  I need to create more things.  I need to expand myself.  Travel maybe.... I have a bucket list.

I do have things to look forward to so I don't plan on leaving this life just yet.  I do plan on making some changes.  What those changes are will just need to be decided on.

Is This Lazy?

I often joke about being lazy.  Even though I'm really not that lazy.

This photo was posted on Facebook earlier today and many stated that the container is a waste and creating labels is a waste.  Many were quick to judge others in calling out lazy people who have the time to text or be on their phone but don't have time to peel an orange.

My response is "What about those who are handicapped or have horrible arthritis?"

I think of my great grandmother whose fingers were so badly curled and painful due to arthritis.  She couldn't even hold a fork let alone peel an orange.

I think of my dad whose one hand is so unusable, he can barely cut his meat.

I think of veterans who lost limbs.

I think of those who just can't do anything with their hands.

I guess I think like that due to not having use of my legs for several months.  I had to depend on someone to help me with every day tasks like going to the bathroom, showering, getting dressed, you know....things that you just don't have to think about doing.

I also have a strong sense of empathy for others.

I am so angry at those who quickly judge and accuse those of being lazy....too lazy to peel an orange.

Have you ever thought that maybe someday you may not be able to do even the simplest of things?

Someone said that even her two year old can peel an orange.  Ok, but I am sure that her two year old wears diapers or maybe even drinks from juice boxes.  I am sure that you are the perfect, model citizen conscious of such environmental matters and that you are the most non-lazy person on the planet.

Someone even blamed Walmart.  Walmart doesn't even sell pre-peeled oranges.  I should know, I manage the produce department.

People make their own choices.  If they chose a pre-peeled orange, it is still better than a bag of chips or cookies. 

Perhaps those who claim that it is wasteful even drink bottled water or even have a soda from time to time.

People who even have all the time in the world take short cuts from time to time.  Maybe even use beef stock in a can to start your soup "from scratch".

I get so angry over judgmental people these days.

If you think so closed minded maybe you should keep your mouth closed as well.