Just Before Sunrise

 

It was just before sunrise as I watched him sleep.  I reached out to softly touch his hair.  Listening to his breathing, I wondered how I ended up there.

Every little choice in our lives brings us to a certain moment in time.  Sometimes we just want that moment to stop so we can just enjoy it longer.

Sometimes we are just put somewhere that we were meant to experience.  

To watch him sleep....

It wasn't about sex.  Sometimes there is a deeper connection.  To be close, so close to almost feel the heart.  

To almost feel what makes him, him.

To watch him sleep....

To find some sense of inner peace.  To find a deeper part of a friendship.  To understand.  

To touch his hair...

Reaching out to connect in a slight way.  To remember this moment as it may never come again....

just to watch him sleep.

Sex is Easy, Relationships are Hard

 It has been 3009 days since I was in a relationship.  That's a little over 8 years.

God, I sound like I just stood up at an AA meeting.

The ending of that relationship winged me a bit, sort of knocked me of the horse, took the wind out of my sails.....

You get the picture.

I don't think that was the whole reason to choose not to date though.

You see, I had therapy.  (insert winky face)

I actually had really good therapy.  After the ending of that relationship, I sought help to find out why I was choosing the same man over and over again to be connected with.

Now, there is a whole lot of psychobabble and what for as to why I stayed single for so long but I will put it in a nut shell.

(I must admit, there is a long pause here that you can't really see because I have to try to put a lot of stuff in a tiny nut shell.)

Maybe I won't try to nut shell it.....  still pausing....

But I did choose men who either cheated or just disappeared on me.

Yes, disappeared.  (That's a whole other story.)

I had to spend time with myself to get to know the real me in other to understand what I should look for in a partner.  I have to understand my own needs and wants and not give into the "dealbreakers" in order to just be with someone.

I bet at this point you are wondering when I would start talking about sex, eh?

For the last 8 years, I have been looking within myself for the things that I can offer someone freely and discover my own happiness on my own.  With that being said, I still needed sex.

Not many people would willingly admit that but come on...we all need to have some sort of contact with...well....you know.

I had a certain friend who I saw on occasion for a meeting of the, er, um "minds".  A chance to unwind and not worry about all the other crap that affects us on a daily basis.

It worked for 8 whole years.

I knew that I couldn't give 100% to a relationship and I understood that he couldn't give 100% to a relationship and we came to the conclusion that we would just give each other what we needed at the time and that was that.

Was it hard to not "catch feelings"?  Oh yes, but you can still care for someone without saying the "L" word out loud.  We just had to accept the terms of our relationship and carry on as such.

The one thing that was easy about the sex is that we knew where we stood.  The expectation was clear .  There were no unsaid words and no assuming anything other than a roll in the hay.  It was very doable.

So where am I going with all this....

Recently a friend said "sex is easy, relationships are hard".

Oh how true that is.

The sex part of it was so damn easy.

Relationships are hard.

and scary

To put you vulnerabilities out there for someone to accept is very terrifying.

What is they don't like me on my bad days?

Oh and what about that word????  You know....

The "L" word.

To love someone is amazing yes, but you also risk getting your heart broken.

Who in the hell wants to go through that?

in my case....again.

You have to show your faults and needs and desires and life with someone to love them.  It's scary and it's hard.

It can also be beautiful.

It all depends on how much of a gamble you are willing to take.

Sex is such a small part of a relationship.

But it's the easy part.

Men Are Abused Too

 

This past week has been a dandy one.  I am still trying to process everything.

If you have been following my blog posts, you may remember that I had an ordeal several years ago with my ex-husband's crazy girlfriend.

You can read it here --> Click Link

His crazy girlfriend is once of the most evil people I have ever encountered in my entire life.  I couldn't wait to leave that small town so I would never have to run into her again.

I always felt that something was going to happen.  Her level of crazy isn't something to take lightly.

My ex ended up marrying her.

MARRYING her!

He turned a blind eye to the little things.  Things that outsiders see more clearly.  I always was watching because my daughter's safety comes first and foremost.

I don't even know how to write everything out because as I stated, I am still processing it all.

The past few weeks, my daughter had been having issues with her anxiety and depression.  As a parent, it is hard to try to help as I am not a professional.  I called her dad many times so that we could figure out what to do as parents.  On Monday is all came to a head and on Tuesday, she got help and things seemed to be turning around.

Thursday morning I get a phone call from my ex looking for our daughter.  I went into instant panic because he never ever calls me.  He assured me that he just wanted to talk to her and that everything was fine.  I checked her GPS and told him that she is at her dorm and is probably sleeping.

Early afternoon I call a call from my daughter, there was panic in her voice and she said that her dad got the shit beat out of him.  I told her to hold on and went somewhere private to take the call.

She said that her dad's wife beat him with her cane (she had back surgery) and that he was hurt bad and that the house was trashed.  She didn't know what to do.  I asked if the cops were called and she said that he was at the police station with his brother and they were filing a report.

She said that the wife flew into a rage after learning that my ex sold our daughter's snowmobile and that he was giving the money to our daughter so she could use it for college.  

I am still in disbelief.

She beat him, bit him, destroyed several things and then beat their dog with a hand held shower thing until the dog was nearly dead.

Who does that?

I asked my daughter if there was anything I could do.  She wanted to go see her dad but I told her to hold off until the police handle everything.  I explained that the wife would be arrested and not to go anywhere near there until she was gone since my daughter seemed to be the source of her rage.

An hour later I called my daughter to see what was happening.  I asked if she was ok and she said that surprisingly, she was in a good mood.  I asked if I should come for the weekend and she said that she wanted me there.  I booked a hotel and made plans to day Friday off of work.

We kept in touch, a while later she called from her dad's and couldn't believe the amount of destruction.  Seeing the dog's blood everywhere was upsetting as well as seeing her dad with a black eye.  The wife also bit my ex.  She and her uncle were taking her dad to get looked at and to document the violence.

My daughter also said that she was going to be with her dad through out the weekend and that I should hold off on coming down.

I was amazed at the strength my daughter had at that moment.  After all that she had been suffering herself, she pulled it together.

There was once moment when she called me when she was so sick to her stomach.  I said that it was a normal reaction to seeing something so traumatic.  

We have had several conversations and more details came out.  I also became sick.

How can a human do something so horrible to another human?

I asked to talk to my ex.  I wanted to know if this happened before he called me that morning.  He said it did and that's why he was looking for our daughter.  I asked why he didn't tell me and he said he didn't want to upset me.  I explained that even though we haven't been married in over 14 years, I still cared.  He is still the father of my child.  Our child loves him dearly and it would crush her if anything happens to him.  He started crying.

He said that she had killed their other dog because the dog listened to him and not her.  He told our daughter that the dog was hit by a car.  

Its just sickening.

I knew something bad was going to happen.  I always picked up on the little indicators.  My ex had my in his contacts as "Craig" so she wouldn't get angry when I called.  He would always let me go to voice mail and call me back when he could talk in private.  He didn't want our daughter to stay at his house as it upset his wife.  There is just so many red flags I cannot even explain them all.

When I asked about why he didn't do something before it escalated to this he said that she was never this bad.  I said she was always this bad.  She was such an evil person from the beginning but he chose not to see it.

I never said "told you so" but I sure the hell thought it.

I feel for my daughter for having this happen to someone that she loves so much.  I wish I could take the pain from her.  I can only be a support for her and help her through this ordeal.

I pray that if that woman gets out of jail that she stays away from my kid otherwise she will have to deal with my wrath.

I know several people who have heard what happened ask about the dog.  He's now fine.  He has a broken jaw.  From what I suspect, I believe that he was protecting my ex and took the hardest of blows.  The dog didn't need surgery and seems to be in good spirits.

Losing My Religion

I just took the dog out to pee and the night air was so mild.  I looked up into the night and found myself praying to God.

This might seem sort of normal to most (or not) but for me it was profound.

I've been an atheist for years.  I had lost my faith.  After so many hurts and scars, I lost my trust in so many, even God.  I suppose many could judge me and wonder how I could turn my back to God.  When prayers went unanswered and a pastor and congregation failed to be an instrument of support in my most desperate time of need, it was easy to let go of my faith.

I don't talk about the bad things.  They still linger in the background, more as a reminder of how strong I can be.  The best way to heal to to acknowledge the past but look to the future.

I think the most profound aspect of healing was my decision to move back home.  

Back to where I was before I was broken.

Catching myself praying for strength during this time caused tears because I knew that my healing process is working.  I am letting people in.  I tell people that I love them and that they matter to me.  Opening up my heart to accept love in is all part of it.

Tears fell and I was thankful that I am able to forgive God for some of the heavier wrongs in my life.  I think I am seeing them more as scars, not fully healed but still able to see the wound and remember that it didn't kill me.

I am not fully healed, hell, I may never be.  

But I have begun to forgive myself, those who have hurt me and most importantly....

forgive God.

Amen

Insomnia is a Sanctimonious Bitch

 

Night two of not being able to sleep.  It doesn't surprise me.  I was due.

My head is full of chaos.  Restless thoughts bounce off the walls of my skull.  They feel almost like pop rocks on the tongue.

I watched videos.  I read a book.  I listened to music.  

I took melatonin.

Nothing seems to work.

I am tired but can't sleep.

I know, I know...I should not be on the computer.  I should try to relax.  I should find some zen.  I should spray lavender smelly shit.  I should do a lot of things.

Many people suffer from insomnia from time to time.  I'm not the only one.

At least it isn't depression.  Depression has been such an enemy.

I haven't been this happy in a very long time.

The beginning of the week started off a bit rough.  Car trouble, kid trouble, just things that cannot be controlled.  It happens.

I do miss being creative.  I need to have that outlet to release how I feel.  Creativity helps me put the chaos to canvas.

For now, I will type these words and hope that the thoughts become quiet for a bit.

His Voice

 

I actually heard him before I saw him.  His voice is the very same that once whispered in my ear, the very same that laughed with mine, the very same that lied.

He didn't see me.  I made sure if that.  If we had made eye contact, I am not sure what would have happened and I just am not ready to find out.

I knew I would run into him eventually.  I knew he had moved back to our hometown and it isn't a very large place.  Hell, technically, we live on a freaking island.

It was eight years ago that we last spoke, but my ears could tell, it was him.  I took a peek to see and it was him but only fatter and his hair was growing in a ring instead of being bald.  I made sure that he wouldn't see me.  I had my mask on and my hair over my eyes.  I am still not prepared for a polite hello or even a nod.

A punch to the head maybe.....

It is amazing how just a simple sound can trigger such an emotion.  Everything flooded back into the forefront of my mind.  The memory of an immense hurt and feelings of inadequacy, such a powerful emotion to feel.

I've been through therapy and worked hard at getting my strength back.  I have learned that what happened was not due to anything that I had done.  Cheaters and liars do what they do because of their own demons and they take apart anyone in their wake.

That instant of hearing his voice, triggered that one instance of going back to the place before I got help, that one instance of feeling small and insignificant.  I felt that I wasn't enough once again.  It was a dark place that I really didn't want to encounter again.

Seriously though, there wasn't anything special about him.  He is an ordinary man, doing an ordinary job in a small town.  He isn't a prince or even important.  He just was him.

And yet, during our time, he was mine and I trusted everything.  I believe everything.  

But that was my side of the coin....

A different reality was happening on his side.

I will never truly understand why he was the way he was with me.  I never will.  I can't just ask him because he holds no truth.

Sometimes I wish that he would know my truth.  How I was left and how broken I was.  I wish he could know how much hurt his deceit had caused.  Perhaps it really doesn't matter now. 

It's been eight years.  Eight long years of trying to figure out how to trust again.  How to open up and show my heart.  How to let someone in.  Even now, I still don't know if I can fully do it.  My heart hurts in fear just typing it.

Not everyone is my ex.  <-- I need that on a card or something to remind myself.

It is still strange how his voice is what I heard first after so many years.  It caused me to stumble a little, but I am good now.

Back to the Begining

 

I always knew that I was going to move once my youngest was done with high school.  I was living in a town for 22 years and still felt like an outsider.  Not by anyone's fault.  It was just a town that was small and everyone knew everyone.  I just didn't fit in.

It also didn't help that I was divorced in this small town and my ex lived within walking distance.  He also married a nut job and frankly, I didn't like running in to her. (Yes, he married the nut job from this post.)

I wasn't exactly sure where I was going to go but I did know, I wasn't staying.

I took a trip out to Phoenix, AZ to visit my very dear friend.  I wanted to see if I could possibly call it home.  I booked my flight and in March I went.  This was at the very beginning of the Covid-19 pandemic.  Toilet paper was in short supply and spring training for baseball was cancelled.  I was concerned that I might not be able to get home.  But then again, it would have made the moving decision easy.

I loved Arizona.  It is very beautiful and Scottsdale is so inspiring for a creative mind.  I thought that maybe I could live there.  But then I remembered....it gets hot.  I know, I know, its a dry heat.  I don't care.  When it is 120 degrees, it is still hot.  I'm not a huge fan of hot.

I came back to Wisconsin with fond memories that I will keep close.  I will go back again.

But I still was wondering where to go.

Katie was graduating soon and I wanted to move before it got to be close to winter.  I don't like moving in the winter.

I had thought about moving to Appleton or Green Bay.  I would still be close to my daughter.  My son recently moved to lower Michigan and he wouldn't be too far.  I looked at apartments and jobs but something just wasn't there.  I didn't feel like that was the right choice either.

I was joking with my sister and she said I could come live in her basement.  That would have been a good idea except I don't think her husband could put up with both of us.  Then our talk became more serious.

I decided to move home.

Home being Upper Michigan, Yooperland, Copper Country....

The more I planned, the more excited I got.  My friends and family were there.  I could easily find a job at Walmart until I figured out what I really wanted to do.

I set the plan in motion.

In September, I accepted a job with Walmart.  The Walmart where I first started in an empty building in 1994.  I then scheduled some apartment showings.

I saw one apartment and at my first steps in, my eyes teared up.  I kept apologizing to the landlord.  I felt that this was home.

That evening I joined my life long friends at their camp along the shores of Lake Superior.  I had only planned to stay for dinner as it had been a long day.  As I sat and watched the waves roll and chatted with my friends I truly felt as if I was home.  It was getting late and we were laughing about something so funny that we worried about our bladders, tears rolling down and holding stomachs, I overheard my friend's husband say "there is a lot of healing happening here".

How true that sounded.

After so many years of hurt feelings, failed relationships, heartbreak, trauma, hard work, raising kids as a single parent, I truly felt I was home.

It has been about three months that I've been back.  I've seen my sister more in the last four weeks than I have in the last four years.  I've hung out with friends and enjoyed the pleasure of deck drinking in November.  I've met new friends.  I've received many hugs and welcome homes.

It is so good to be back to the beginning.