One Very Irrational Thought

 

I never regret posting about how I deal with my depression.  If it helps just one person, then it not only helps them, it helps me.

I have my quiet days.  They are further and farther apart now that I have moved back home.  

I think because I feel more loved and accepted here.

A lot of my depression stems from my own demons in my head.  They tell me that I am ugly, fat, stupid, unlovable.... pick any type of insult and my demons say it.

I wrote a blog entry on the night that I had a moment of irrational thought and almost committed suicide.

You can read it here ------>  Click on these words.

I still think about that moment and how desperate I was to just end it.  

People ask about my butterfly tattoo on my left forearm.

It is in my favorite color and it has a small semicolon for a body.

A butterfly is a symbol of change for me.  They are beautiful and fragile.  They can be joyful to see.  They are graceful and most have limited life spans.

We all have limited life spans.  Some of us live to be in our 100's.  That is still a limited time.

I'm glad that I didn't limit my own life span.

Depression is some ugly shit.

It can be managed but I seriously don't think that there is really a cure.

I know that I will never be completely done with it.  I am better with fighting it now.

Learn your triggers and avoid them.  

Phone or visit a friend.  You don't have to tell them why if you don't want to but it helps to just hear someone who fills the part of you where depression lays.  

Journal or just write about what you are feeling.  Keep writing until it passes.  It helps you recognize the triggers.

Love yourself.  I know it's hard because of the lies you are hearing.  You just have to find the strength to tell them to shut the fuck up.

An emotional support animal or even a plant helps.  You have to take care of them, if you aren't living, who else will do it?

Take time for yourself.  I drive to the big lake and just dip my toes in.  It doesn't matter if its cold.  It grounds me.

I also walk in cemeteries.  They are very peaceful.  I touch old headstones and try to connect.  This person is someone who was loved very much and I wonder who visits their graves now (other than me).

I paint.  I make a big messy mess and create the hell out of something.  It awakens my energy.  The colors collide and form some amazing stuff.

I also just couch potato.  Doing absolutely nothing allows me to speak to my inner self and watch some cute dudes on tv.  (haha)

To be back where my friends and family helps so much.

To be able to visit my sister and laugh until we are both crying is amazing.  I am so thankful for her.

To spend time with old friends is extremely comforting.  My old self is resurfacing and it feels great.

To make new friends is the best.  

I treasure all my relationships.

I am allowing myself to be loved.  I make no apologies for who I am and I am accepted anyway.

I love myself and this is the very key.  I love myself enough to take care of me.

Suicide is a very permanent solution to a very temporary problem.  

You are not alone.

If you would like to learn more about Project Semicolon, click here.

Project Semicolon

Suicide Hotline

800-273-8255

Ghost of Depression Past

 

I saw a new doctor the other day.  Since moving back home, I knew I needed a medical care provider.

I ain't getting any younger.

Well that and the fact that I have some health issues that need managing.

It was a much longer appointment that I figured on.  I was impressed that she took the time to get to know me and my health history.  

When it came time to talk about how I manage my depression, I got a little anxious.  Even though I have battled depression for a very long time, it sometimes isn't easy to talk about without my eyes leaking a little.

To accept the causes is a little painful and then to openly talk about them is almost traumatic.  

When I had to tell her about the time that I had contemplated suicide it was a little painful.  It is harder for me to talk about it because it is hard to hide the emotion when you are face to face.  When I write about it, you can't see the tears stream down my face or my lip quiver.

I have come a long way in my healing from the past trauma.  The years of mental abuse, self sabotage, feelings of being unlovable, failure, sexual assault, and various other bits and pieces of hell had taken its toll and all came to a head.

You can read that here ----> Click Right Here

The best healing I have done was just by moving home.  Its a place where I have felt safe and secure.  Being with people who have known me for a very long time has helped me reconnect with myself before it all went south.

The doctor asked me if I still felt suicidal.  I explained that I never really was suicidal.  It was that one moment of irrational thinking that could have been the end but instead of cutting or taking pills, I decided to stop and just write.

And that helped a little

The other part was to accept my traumas and not let them mold me.  I own them and keep them in a part of me.  I have built on the fact that they did not break me.

I also learned to accept who I am.  I don't hide my true self from anyone.  I own that part of me too.  My true self is someone who surprises me.  I don't have much of a filter these days.  I say what I think and am honest with those around me.  I am also honest with myself.

I no longer accept anything less than I deserve.  I deserve to be happy.

When things go wrong, I no longer blame myself.

Rejection no longer cripples me.  If I ain't your cup of tea, I can't sweeten it with my sugar.  My life goes on.

I recognize my triggers.  I steer clear of them or I don't allow them to control me, I control them.

My boundaries are set.  As I see myself in fullness, it is easier to see others in the same way.

I also try to communicate well.  If I need clarity, I ask questions.  If the answers are honest and open, I accept them and take them to heart.  Sometimes the answers aren't always what I hope to hear, but it does give some peace to know how the other person feels.

I am still not 100% but I can say that the depression episodes are very far and few between now.  I do laugh more and I feel happier.  I see it on my face and in my heart.

I am thankful for those who are a part of my life and accept my quirks and never ask for anything more than I am capable of giving of myself.  I am truly blessed by the friendships that I continue to have and I love everyone of them wholly and completely.

Just Before Sunrise

 

It was just before sunrise as I watched him sleep.  I reached out to softly touch his hair.  Listening to his breathing, I wondered how I ended up there.

Every little choice in our lives brings us to a certain moment in time.  Sometimes we just want that moment to stop so we can just enjoy it longer.

Sometimes we are just put somewhere that we were meant to experience.  

To watch him sleep....

It wasn't about sex.  Sometimes there is a deeper connection.  To be close, so close to almost feel the heart.  

To almost feel what makes him, him.

To watch him sleep....

To find some sense of inner peace.  To find a deeper part of a friendship.  To understand.  

To touch his hair...

Reaching out to connect in a slight way.  To remember this moment as it may never come again....

just to watch him sleep.

Sex is Easy, Relationships are Hard

 It has been 3009 days since I was in a relationship.  That's a little over 8 years.

God, I sound like I just stood up at an AA meeting.

The ending of that relationship winged me a bit, sort of knocked me of the horse, took the wind out of my sails.....

You get the picture.

I don't think that was the whole reason to choose not to date though.

You see, I had therapy.  (insert winky face)

I actually had really good therapy.  After the ending of that relationship, I sought help to find out why I was choosing the same man over and over again to be connected with.

Now, there is a whole lot of psychobabble and what for as to why I stayed single for so long but I will put it in a nut shell.

(I must admit, there is a long pause here that you can't really see because I have to try to put a lot of stuff in a tiny nut shell.)

Maybe I won't try to nut shell it.....  still pausing....

But I did choose men who either cheated or just disappeared on me.

Yes, disappeared.  (That's a whole other story.)

I had to spend time with myself to get to know the real me in other to understand what I should look for in a partner.  I have to understand my own needs and wants and not give into the "dealbreakers" in order to just be with someone.

I bet at this point you are wondering when I would start talking about sex, eh?

For the last 8 years, I have been looking within myself for the things that I can offer someone freely and discover my own happiness on my own.  With that being said, I still needed sex.

Not many people would willingly admit that but come on...we all need to have some sort of contact with...well....you know.

I had a certain friend who I saw on occasion for a meeting of the, er, um "minds".  A chance to unwind and not worry about all the other crap that affects us on a daily basis.

It worked for 8 whole years.

I knew that I couldn't give 100% to a relationship and I understood that he couldn't give 100% to a relationship and we came to the conclusion that we would just give each other what we needed at the time and that was that.

Was it hard to not "catch feelings"?  Oh yes, but you can still care for someone without saying the "L" word out loud.  We just had to accept the terms of our relationship and carry on as such.

The one thing that was easy about the sex is that we knew where we stood.  The expectation was clear .  There were no unsaid words and no assuming anything other than a roll in the hay.  It was very doable.

So where am I going with all this....

Recently a friend said "sex is easy, relationships are hard".

Oh how true that is.

The sex part of it was so damn easy.

Relationships are hard.

and scary

To put you vulnerabilities out there for someone to accept is very terrifying.

What is they don't like me on my bad days?

Oh and what about that word????  You know....

The "L" word.

To love someone is amazing yes, but you also risk getting your heart broken.

Who in the hell wants to go through that?

in my case....again.

You have to show your faults and needs and desires and life with someone to love them.  It's scary and it's hard.

It can also be beautiful.

It all depends on how much of a gamble you are willing to take.

Sex is such a small part of a relationship.

But it's the easy part.

Men Are Abused Too

 

This past week has been a dandy one.  I am still trying to process everything.

If you have been following my blog posts, you may remember that I had an ordeal several years ago with my ex-husband's crazy girlfriend.

You can read it here --> Click Link

His crazy girlfriend is once of the most evil people I have ever encountered in my entire life.  I couldn't wait to leave that small town so I would never have to run into her again.

I always felt that something was going to happen.  Her level of crazy isn't something to take lightly.

My ex ended up marrying her.

MARRYING her!

He turned a blind eye to the little things.  Things that outsiders see more clearly.  I always was watching because my daughter's safety comes first and foremost.

I don't even know how to write everything out because as I stated, I am still processing it all.

The past few weeks, my daughter had been having issues with her anxiety and depression.  As a parent, it is hard to try to help as I am not a professional.  I called her dad many times so that we could figure out what to do as parents.  On Monday is all came to a head and on Tuesday, she got help and things seemed to be turning around.

Thursday morning I get a phone call from my ex looking for our daughter.  I went into instant panic because he never ever calls me.  He assured me that he just wanted to talk to her and that everything was fine.  I checked her GPS and told him that she is at her dorm and is probably sleeping.

Early afternoon I call a call from my daughter, there was panic in her voice and she said that her dad got the shit beat out of him.  I told her to hold on and went somewhere private to take the call.

She said that her dad's wife beat him with her cane (she had back surgery) and that he was hurt bad and that the house was trashed.  She didn't know what to do.  I asked if the cops were called and she said that he was at the police station with his brother and they were filing a report.

She said that the wife flew into a rage after learning that my ex sold our daughter's snowmobile and that he was giving the money to our daughter so she could use it for college.  

I am still in disbelief.

She beat him, bit him, destroyed several things and then beat their dog with a hand held shower thing until the dog was nearly dead.

Who does that?

I asked my daughter if there was anything I could do.  She wanted to go see her dad but I told her to hold off until the police handle everything.  I explained that the wife would be arrested and not to go anywhere near there until she was gone since my daughter seemed to be the source of her rage.

An hour later I called my daughter to see what was happening.  I asked if she was ok and she said that surprisingly, she was in a good mood.  I asked if I should come for the weekend and she said that she wanted me there.  I booked a hotel and made plans to day Friday off of work.

We kept in touch, a while later she called from her dad's and couldn't believe the amount of destruction.  Seeing the dog's blood everywhere was upsetting as well as seeing her dad with a black eye.  The wife also bit my ex.  She and her uncle were taking her dad to get looked at and to document the violence.

My daughter also said that she was going to be with her dad through out the weekend and that I should hold off on coming down.

I was amazed at the strength my daughter had at that moment.  After all that she had been suffering herself, she pulled it together.

There was once moment when she called me when she was so sick to her stomach.  I said that it was a normal reaction to seeing something so traumatic.  

We have had several conversations and more details came out.  I also became sick.

How can a human do something so horrible to another human?

I asked to talk to my ex.  I wanted to know if this happened before he called me that morning.  He said it did and that's why he was looking for our daughter.  I asked why he didn't tell me and he said he didn't want to upset me.  I explained that even though we haven't been married in over 14 years, I still cared.  He is still the father of my child.  Our child loves him dearly and it would crush her if anything happens to him.  He started crying.

He said that she had killed their other dog because the dog listened to him and not her.  He told our daughter that the dog was hit by a car.  

Its just sickening.

I knew something bad was going to happen.  I always picked up on the little indicators.  My ex had my in his contacts as "Craig" so she wouldn't get angry when I called.  He would always let me go to voice mail and call me back when he could talk in private.  He didn't want our daughter to stay at his house as it upset his wife.  There is just so many red flags I cannot even explain them all.

When I asked about why he didn't do something before it escalated to this he said that she was never this bad.  I said she was always this bad.  She was such an evil person from the beginning but he chose not to see it.

I never said "told you so" but I sure the hell thought it.

I feel for my daughter for having this happen to someone that she loves so much.  I wish I could take the pain from her.  I can only be a support for her and help her through this ordeal.

I pray that if that woman gets out of jail that she stays away from my kid otherwise she will have to deal with my wrath.

I know several people who have heard what happened ask about the dog.  He's now fine.  He has a broken jaw.  From what I suspect, I believe that he was protecting my ex and took the hardest of blows.  The dog didn't need surgery and seems to be in good spirits.

Losing My Religion

I just took the dog out to pee and the night air was so mild.  I looked up into the night and found myself praying to God.

This might seem sort of normal to most (or not) but for me it was profound.

I've been an atheist for years.  I had lost my faith.  After so many hurts and scars, I lost my trust in so many, even God.  I suppose many could judge me and wonder how I could turn my back to God.  When prayers went unanswered and a pastor and congregation failed to be an instrument of support in my most desperate time of need, it was easy to let go of my faith.

I don't talk about the bad things.  They still linger in the background, more as a reminder of how strong I can be.  The best way to heal to to acknowledge the past but look to the future.

I think the most profound aspect of healing was my decision to move back home.  

Back to where I was before I was broken.

Catching myself praying for strength during this time caused tears because I knew that my healing process is working.  I am letting people in.  I tell people that I love them and that they matter to me.  Opening up my heart to accept love in is all part of it.

Tears fell and I was thankful that I am able to forgive God for some of the heavier wrongs in my life.  I think I am seeing them more as scars, not fully healed but still able to see the wound and remember that it didn't kill me.

I am not fully healed, hell, I may never be.  

But I have begun to forgive myself, those who have hurt me and most importantly....

forgive God.

Amen

Insomnia is a Sanctimonious Bitch

 

Night two of not being able to sleep.  It doesn't surprise me.  I was due.

My head is full of chaos.  Restless thoughts bounce off the walls of my skull.  They feel almost like pop rocks on the tongue.

I watched videos.  I read a book.  I listened to music.  

I took melatonin.

Nothing seems to work.

I am tired but can't sleep.

I know, I know...I should not be on the computer.  I should try to relax.  I should find some zen.  I should spray lavender smelly shit.  I should do a lot of things.

Many people suffer from insomnia from time to time.  I'm not the only one.

At least it isn't depression.  Depression has been such an enemy.

I haven't been this happy in a very long time.

The beginning of the week started off a bit rough.  Car trouble, kid trouble, just things that cannot be controlled.  It happens.

I do miss being creative.  I need to have that outlet to release how I feel.  Creativity helps me put the chaos to canvas.

For now, I will type these words and hope that the thoughts become quiet for a bit.