I am still here...barely.
It has been a super crazy few weeks since my last post.
I bought the house that I moved out of ten years ago. Moving back in what quite a chore. Painting, cleaning and more painting and more cleaning. Had a few issues with a sump pump and a smelly basement. Ya know, boring stuff.
Work has been absolutely nuts. My sales have increased tremendously which means more work.
We got a puppy.
and I need a vacation.
Yeah, I know the title has a swear word in it. (sorry dad)
As I have written about in the past, I have depression. I've had it for as long as I can remember. I've dealt with it. I deal with it. I most likely will continue to deal with it.
I write about it because it helps.
Lately I feel like I am going to just lose my shit and explode.
So much flies at me that it is like extreme dodge ball but not with balls. I want to say almost like the old fashioned pointy jarts. If you don't know what those are, go ahead and google it, I'll wait.
It is almost 3:30 in the morning and I obviously am not sleeping. I am supposed to get up to go to work in about two hours. That won't be happening. I am going to take a personal day to try to get my shit together.
When I say that I am about to lose my shit, I mean that I have so much on my mind that if one more thing comes at me, I think I may just about run around the apartment screaming "uncle".
Some stuff is good, like my job and about a deal I have in the works about a bigger place to live. Some stuff is bad, like my older kid having health issues and my weekly dental visits.
Then I can add in the fact that I am extremely upset with my step father and never mention it to anyone because I am not sure how to even explain how I feel or how anyone would take my feelings. I am afraid to even mention it to him since he called me a few days ago (it had been about 6 months before that) and he had me on speaker phone with his "girlfriend". It just makes me so uncomfortable and angry.
Whatever....
I also feel like the walls of this apartment are closing in on me. I can't seem to breathe. I look around and feel pathetic. I hate the neighbors and I don't even know them. The parking lot pisses me off every time I trip on the broken asphalt. The hallway stinks of cigarettes and old dogs. My doorbell is broken and the fridge makes this horrible clunking noise. The landlord fails to address any of the issues.
I miss my mom.
My daughter is being confirmed next month and the ex wants to do a party. I am not to sure how to feel. We always have got along well but his family is another story. The thought of facing my two ex-sisters in law from hell gives me anxiety. I'll will do it and be nice because that's who I am and I will never ever let on that they just wig me out.
Sometimes I wish I had a girlfriend to have wine with so I can talk to someone. I often wish my long time friends weren't so far away. I miss them terribly.
So, here I am typing away. I have a weird form of ADD too so I flip back and forth between tabs. I have puppies on one, sofas on another and google images on a third.
I tried to read my book a little but the mind is strong tonight and just wants to keep churning.
A vision board is something that my counselor suggested that I do to realize my goals and desires. It is basically to keep me from losing sight of what it is that I want in my life that will make me happy.
I put up a big bulletin board in my kitchen and tacked on pictures of houses, gardens, puppies and kittens and a trip to Niagara Falls. (shut up...I really want to see a big ass waterfall.)
I want my own house so I can create my own flower gardens. I want to have a dog and a cat. (I already have two guinea pigs.)
Ok, so now that I explained that....
I put an ad in the paper. I am looking for a house to rent to own or land contract. It was a small little ad with only 12 words and my phone number. I didn't think any one would call.
then...my phone rang....
A gentleman said that he bought a farmhouse on foreclosure and is in the middle of fixing it up. It has four bedrooms, two baths, a new furnace, water heater and ac unit. It sits on 6 acres of land with a barn and pond. He is willing to do a rent to own or land contract on the place. Would I be interested in seeing it?
Holy shit!
So, yeah...I looked at it. It is perfect. It would not cost any more than the rent I pay now. It would be bigger and quieter (I hate my current neighbors). I would be able to have flowers and animals.
Then I came home to my vision board.
I could have cried. I could have a house with gardens and have a dog and a cat and ducks too.
But then the fear set in....
FEAR!!!!
WTF?
I have heard life coaches talk about fear. Fear of change. Fear of failure. Fear of this and that....
Fear of what keeps us from realizing our dreams and goals.
So all day I have been listening to my inner voices try to reason with the fear. I keep hearing my mom "Jesus Christ, who is going to plow the snow or mow that yard?" "How are you going to deal with the water heater blowing up?" Mom was always quick to point out the negatives. She still does even though she is no longer here and it drives me bat shit crazy. I keep asking myself if I can do this.
I want to do this. I need to do this. I need to get past that fear and just say screw it, it ain't going to kill me.
At least I hope it won't.
:-S
