"You eat too much."
There's a statement, huh?
Funny how such simple words can cut deep and scar long.
I heard the words a few days ago. In fact, my own dad said them to me.
I still have tears just typing them.
I was excited and was looking so forward to his visit. I don't see family much and I've been working long, crazy hours.
The visit didn't go as I had hoped or expected.
It was almost as if I was back in my childhood. A very unhappy time with two parents who fought often and harshly. Sometimes their anger towards each other spilled over onto us kids. In fact, I often think of my childhood as being inside of my own hurt locker.
I grew into an adult who craves to be loved and cared for. I grew into an adult who's unable to make a decision because she was never given the confidence. I grew into an adult who looks in the mirror and sees her long hair making her face look fat.
I know as a reader you might be thinking that my parents were horrible people but they really weren't. Looking back, I can understand their adult lives and emotions. Perhaps they parented the best they could. But even with understanding, it doesn't keep my child-self from hurting.
I do catch myself wishing that I had a different childhood. One where parents hug you and tell you that they are proud of you. One where mom and dad hug each other and speak to each other in normal tones.
Perhaps my dad didn't mean his words to be as hurtful as they were received.
As a parent, I don't ever say anything to my kids that cause them to second guess who they are. I tell them that they can choose to do or be anything that they want to be. I never make them feel stupid for trying to help with a project.
I hope my children never have to feel like they have a hurt locker.
Yeah, I know the title has a swear word in it. (sorry dad)
As I have written about in the past, I have depression. I've had it for as long as I can remember. I've dealt with it. I deal with it. I most likely will continue to deal with it.
I write about it because it helps.
Lately I feel like I am going to just lose my shit and explode.
So much flies at me that it is like extreme dodge ball but not with balls. I want to say almost like the old fashioned pointy jarts. If you don't know what those are, go ahead and google it, I'll wait.
It is almost 3:30 in the morning and I obviously am not sleeping. I am supposed to get up to go to work in about two hours. That won't be happening. I am going to take a personal day to try to get my shit together.
When I say that I am about to lose my shit, I mean that I have so much on my mind that if one more thing comes at me, I think I may just about run around the apartment screaming "uncle".
Some stuff is good, like my job and about a deal I have in the works about a bigger place to live. Some stuff is bad, like my older kid having health issues and my weekly dental visits.
Then I can add in the fact that I am extremely upset with my step father and never mention it to anyone because I am not sure how to even explain how I feel or how anyone would take my feelings. I am afraid to even mention it to him since he called me a few days ago (it had been about 6 months before that) and he had me on speaker phone with his "girlfriend". It just makes me so uncomfortable and angry.
Whatever....
I also feel like the walls of this apartment are closing in on me. I can't seem to breathe. I look around and feel pathetic. I hate the neighbors and I don't even know them. The parking lot pisses me off every time I trip on the broken asphalt. The hallway stinks of cigarettes and old dogs. My doorbell is broken and the fridge makes this horrible clunking noise. The landlord fails to address any of the issues.
I miss my mom.
My daughter is being confirmed next month and the ex wants to do a party. I am not to sure how to feel. We always have got along well but his family is another story. The thought of facing my two ex-sisters in law from hell gives me anxiety. I'll will do it and be nice because that's who I am and I will never ever let on that they just wig me out.
Sometimes I wish I had a girlfriend to have wine with so I can talk to someone. I often wish my long time friends weren't so far away. I miss them terribly.
So, here I am typing away. I have a weird form of ADD too so I flip back and forth between tabs. I have puppies on one, sofas on another and google images on a third.
I tried to read my book a little but the mind is strong tonight and just wants to keep churning.
