Love lasts for but a moment like a ripple on a small, solitary puddle.
I fell in love not just once, but twice. Both times left me scarred and broken. The second, I have yet to heal from. The first has chosen to resurface but I am numb. I choose not to respond.
I was married twice but didn't love once. A sad fact. Perhaps I had hoped but love to come Hard to say, it was a long time ago.
Love is difficult, love is blind. Love is a fickle bitch.
I am reminded of my failures by the candy coated bullshit that graces store shelves. Reminding us that the day of love is just around the corner. I want to scream and pull the pink and red from the aisles, tossing it to the floor, where my heart once laid.
Perhaps I am bitter. Love failed me. Love was hidden in lies and promises. I no longer trust love.
I am single like sliced cheese.
I had a rough day. Just some bullshit at work, the kind of bullshit that caused me to second guess my decision to do what I do. I hate that feeling and it is hard to shake it.
But that isn't the reason for this post...
After my day, I came home to eat, log into Facebook and to chill on the couch. I saw a post by a friend...
"Why am I important to you? Make that your status. See what you get."
I answered her post, copied it and posted it as my own status.
Then I got to thinking, "Why should we have to ask that?"
Why don't we ever tell someone why they are important to them? Why not share it without being prompted?
Life is rough and even rougher for some. Why not just say "Hey, you matter to me and my life is better for having you in it."
Wouldn't that be awesome if we just did that?
With all of the negativity in the world today, it would be nice to just hear something positive.
And hey...
You are important to me, because without you, I would not be sharing my thoughts with anyone. Thank you for reading.
"You eat too much."
There's a statement, huh?
Funny how such simple words can cut deep and scar long.
I heard the words a few days ago. In fact, my own dad said them to me.
I still have tears just typing them.
I was excited and was looking so forward to his visit. I don't see family much and I've been working long, crazy hours.
The visit didn't go as I had hoped or expected.
It was almost as if I was back in my childhood. A very unhappy time with two parents who fought often and harshly. Sometimes their anger towards each other spilled over onto us kids. In fact, I often think of my childhood as being inside of my own hurt locker.
I grew into an adult who craves to be loved and cared for. I grew into an adult who's unable to make a decision because she was never given the confidence. I grew into an adult who looks in the mirror and sees her long hair making her face look fat.
I know as a reader you might be thinking that my parents were horrible people but they really weren't. Looking back, I can understand their adult lives and emotions. Perhaps they parented the best they could. But even with understanding, it doesn't keep my child-self from hurting.
I do catch myself wishing that I had a different childhood. One where parents hug you and tell you that they are proud of you. One where mom and dad hug each other and speak to each other in normal tones.
Perhaps my dad didn't mean his words to be as hurtful as they were received.
As a parent, I don't ever say anything to my kids that cause them to second guess who they are. I tell them that they can choose to do or be anything that they want to be. I never make them feel stupid for trying to help with a project.
I hope my children never have to feel like they have a hurt locker.
Sometimes you need to sit in silence to hear your own voice.
That above has been rolling in my head all day. I felt that I had to have a quiet day today. I called in to work and just spent a quiet day. I just had to.
I have never kept my depression a secret. I have written about it. I have talked about it.
This morning I felt like I was just teetering on the edge of an episode. By episode, I mean when I fall into a depressive spiral. I have had too much chaos the last few weeks and I just needed to have a day to reel back.
I hope that makes sense.
I feel guilty about calling in but at the same time, I feel proud of recognizing the triggers and dealing with it before it gets out of hand. I hate the depressive feelings and I try to avoid it at all costs.
Sometimes it isn't that easy and I fall of the ledge anyway.
But....
Today I avoided it.
People always wonder how I can be depressed when I have the ability to crack jokes or poke fun at things. To be honest, most comics or funny people suffer from depression. We tend to hide it well.
We wear masks and cover it with humor.
Then there are people with say "just be happy" or "get over it". These people tend to piss me off as they have no freaking idea what it is like to suffer from depression.
Anyway, I am getting off track.
Today I avoided it and tomorrow is another day.
I am still here...barely.
It has been a super crazy few weeks since my last post.
I bought the house that I moved out of ten years ago. Moving back in what quite a chore. Painting, cleaning and more painting and more cleaning. Had a few issues with a sump pump and a smelly basement. Ya know, boring stuff.
Work has been absolutely nuts. My sales have increased tremendously which means more work.
We got a puppy.
and I need a vacation.
I don't know how well this is going to come across in writing since it is over 2:30 in the freaking morning. I don't have insomnia like I have in the past. I just have a head full of anger.
My son has been going through some crap lately. Not just a little crap but a whole big shit ton of crap.
I feel so helpless.
I know how he feels and no matter what someone says or does, it won't make anything better.
I totally get that.
The one thing that really burns my toast is that his father is totally unconnected. It is almost like since my kid was born, he has not been anything to his own father.
I know he reached out and mention to his dad the things that have been happening to him and didn't really get a reply.
The father has absolutely no idea what his kid is dealing with.
My son told me that he feels like he doesn't mean anything to his dad unless it involves money.
My heart sank.
This man has no idea what a wonderful kid he is ignoring. He has no freaking idea how much his kid needs a father figure for advice or even as a sounding board.
I hate the fact that this man seems to be such an awesome dad to his other kids but doesn't even give a rats ass about his oldest.
I wish I could tell him how I feel but I don't think it will do a damn bit of good. It never did any good for my son's first 20 years. Even if I did tell him, he would some how turn it all into my fault anyway.
I hate this man.
It is such a sad situation and I feel like I need to apologize to my son for giving him such an asshole for a father.
Yeah, I know the title has a swear word in it. (sorry dad)
As I have written about in the past, I have depression. I've had it for as long as I can remember. I've dealt with it. I deal with it. I most likely will continue to deal with it.
I write about it because it helps.
Lately I feel like I am going to just lose my shit and explode.
So much flies at me that it is like extreme dodge ball but not with balls. I want to say almost like the old fashioned pointy jarts. If you don't know what those are, go ahead and google it, I'll wait.
It is almost 3:30 in the morning and I obviously am not sleeping. I am supposed to get up to go to work in about two hours. That won't be happening. I am going to take a personal day to try to get my shit together.
When I say that I am about to lose my shit, I mean that I have so much on my mind that if one more thing comes at me, I think I may just about run around the apartment screaming "uncle".
Some stuff is good, like my job and about a deal I have in the works about a bigger place to live. Some stuff is bad, like my older kid having health issues and my weekly dental visits.
Then I can add in the fact that I am extremely upset with my step father and never mention it to anyone because I am not sure how to even explain how I feel or how anyone would take my feelings. I am afraid to even mention it to him since he called me a few days ago (it had been about 6 months before that) and he had me on speaker phone with his "girlfriend". It just makes me so uncomfortable and angry.
Whatever....
I also feel like the walls of this apartment are closing in on me. I can't seem to breathe. I look around and feel pathetic. I hate the neighbors and I don't even know them. The parking lot pisses me off every time I trip on the broken asphalt. The hallway stinks of cigarettes and old dogs. My doorbell is broken and the fridge makes this horrible clunking noise. The landlord fails to address any of the issues.
I miss my mom.
My daughter is being confirmed next month and the ex wants to do a party. I am not to sure how to feel. We always have got along well but his family is another story. The thought of facing my two ex-sisters in law from hell gives me anxiety. I'll will do it and be nice because that's who I am and I will never ever let on that they just wig me out.
Sometimes I wish I had a girlfriend to have wine with so I can talk to someone. I often wish my long time friends weren't so far away. I miss them terribly.
So, here I am typing away. I have a weird form of ADD too so I flip back and forth between tabs. I have puppies on one, sofas on another and google images on a third.
I tried to read my book a little but the mind is strong tonight and just wants to keep churning.
