Being Single Mom

I don't brag much.

I never see the point.  I don't need a pat on the back or sympathy.

I'm a single mom.

I have been for many years.

It is a struggle, a constant struggle.

I am so fortunate to have kids that turned out so great.  They could have been such different people without my sacrifices.

My son is now an engineer.  He has his head on straight.  He works hard and is smart with his money.

My daughter is a straight A student and is on path to graduate with honors.  She works, has a boyfriend and still manages to get constant As throughout her high school career.

I am amazed by both.

It has never been easy.  It is so hard to be strong for them while over coming obstacles, many of which were put in my path by their fathers.

I am sure some of you are reading this and thinking about their fathers.  Both fathers chose to bow out.  They left turmoil and unknowns behind.  They left me to deal with late night vomit, heartbreaks, homework, deadlines, school projects, fundraisers, practices, no money, utility shutoffs, and homelessness.

These fathers never had to make decisions, never signed field trip slips.  They never offered to coach soccer.  They never had to make sure the kids had to get to school on time.  There never had to be around when a meltdown started.

I have learned enough about cars to encourage my son's love of them.

I've struggled with money.  I have wondered how to put food on the table.  I've even been evicted by my daughter's father. 

I gave up on my own dreams, my own sanity, my own happiness for the sake of raising good kids.  

I think I've earned the right to brag a little.

I have managed to raise successful adults.

It hasn't been easy.

Hand Me Downs

As a child I remember the hand me downs.  I always received clothes from my older cousins.  Getting a new bag of old clothes was always fun for me.  I loved my cousins' sense of style. (Even though I think my aunts had all the doing in it.)

We weren't poor but we weren't rich either.

I think my parents saved money this way.  Geico wasn't around to switch to back in the late 70's.

These days I think my daughter would have a major melt down at the very thought of wearing hand me downs.  She will not even go to Goodwill for Pete's sake.  

I try to explain that second hand jeans are the best when they are already broke in.  She doesn't buy it.

(Can't wait till that kid gets a job.)

What got me thinking about hand me downs didn't even have to do with clothes.

I am typing this blog on a hand me down (over) laptop.  My daughter never used it.

NEVER

Do you know what her father had paid for this thing?

Anyway...

My other laptop, which was a hand me down (over) from my son, completely died.

There was no fanfare, no sparks, no blue screen of death.  It just stopped taking a charge.  No matter what new charger I bought for it, it just decided to die.

My children didn't only hand me down (over) computers....oh no.

I also have an iPad mini that my daughter never used.

Crazy eh?

These kids are strange.

Maybe they get it from me....

who knows.

But I like hand me downs.

never mind.... I'm not making sense.

I keep referring to my kids handing me "over" because they aren't really handing stuff down to me.  I am older after all. 

But they are taller than me...but I digress.

The real blessing in using the hand me down (over) electronics is that I can spend my money on other things.  Like groceries, bills and gas to get to work.

Maybe someday my kids will change their minds when they have kids of their own.

Where to Go From Here...

So I've been unemployed for about a week now.  The novelty of staying home has worn off and I am beginning to climb the walls.  I have watched enough Law and Order SVU to actually solve a murder, try the perp and sentence him/her to the appropriate amount of time for the crime.

Thank God I haven't started in with soap operas and game shows.

Lately I've been working on my crafts (while watching Law and Order) and making wonderful things with wire, beads and hair clips.  It takes hours to come up with a few things since I have the equivalency of writer's block.

sigh

I've signed up on job service websites.  I cruise those to see what's out there.  I giggle as I refrain from applying for a detective or something legal like a lawyer.  I can't put Law and Order on my resume.

I also have been thinking about working for myself.

What could I do that would pay the bills and that I would enjoy?

I think of all those designers out there that design shoes, handbags, jewelry, hats, and other things.  I design barrettes and bangles for cell phones.  How do other designers get noticed?  How do they design and then mass produce it?  hrrmmmmmm....

So many questions....

I have a friend who is a travel writer.  She travels and writes.  I would love to do something like that but I don't think I am that great of a writer nor can I just pick up and leave with kids.  I just live through her writings and pretend that I went with her.

So much goes through my mind as Eliot and Olivia (reruns) solve crimes.

How will I pay the bills?  How will we eat?  

I need to figure something out.

How do others find jobs that they enjoy?  I haven't enjoyed a job since I worked at Walmart.  (I know, right?)  I loved working with people.  I loved supervising cashiers.  I loved little old ladies who couldn't find the right TV.  I loved the fast paced holiday season.  It didn't pay well, but I loved it.

My second favorite job of all time was working as a hostess in a local restaurant when I was a teenager.  I think I made $4.50 an hour but I loved it.  I loved the customers.  I loved my co-workers (Hell, I even married one of them).  I loved the holiday seasons.  I loved the smell of ribs cooking.

I guess the theme here is that I loved the two jobs that didn't pay the greatest but where I could work with people (customers).

So, maybe I have my answer just by writing all this out.

hrrmmmmmm......

Angry Angry Hippos

It amazes me how much anger I can have bottled up.  I don't really let it out in constructive ways either.

I can almost feel my insides shaking with it.  It crawls under my skin.

I think anger is just an extension of my depression.

I stay depressed and then it manifests into something quite ugly.  For some reason it gets to that level sometimes.  I never really know what triggers the flip from one feeling to the other.

I am angry because my brother brings up my mom.  It isn't his fault because he doesn't know the whole story of the narcissistic parent/daughter thing going on.  I don't dare tell him because I don't think he would get it and that will just turn into something incredibly ugly.

I am also angry because I feel used.  I loaned money to a "friend".  (ya ya...I know the lecture) and of course this was a couple of years ago and he still hasn't paid me back.  He was supposed to pay me back two months after I loaned it to him.  Now I see him posting about going here and there and of course it requires spending money.  Jackass.....

I am angry for not being able to allow myself to spend my very first bonus on something I want.  I wanted a tv, so I looked at tvs.  Did I buy one?  Nope.  I wanted a sewing machine, so I looked at sewing machines.  Did I buy one?  Nope.  I wanted a new fish tank so I looked at fish tanks.  Did I buy one?  Nope.  I wanted new pots and pans and then at this point I just said "fuck it" and didn't bother.

Damn it.

I am angry at ignorant people who don't take the time to validate facts.  Why this bothers me, I have no idea but it does.  If you are going to share a "fact" with the entire world, you should make damn sure that it is in fact, a fact.  Why spread stupidity?  WHY??????  My mother used to do this and it just pissed me off.

I am angry because my drive way is icy.  I mean "fall on your ass" icy and "break a hip" icy.  I am so sick of winter and it angers me.

I am angry that my phone broke.  I am so angry that I do not plan on replacing it any time soon.  Screw that....I don't want to talk to anyone anyway.

So, if you need me, I will be over in the corner, keeping to myself, with no phone.

Pringle Economics

I wrote a whole entry and it made me cry so I just saved it in my documents for another time.

I'm going through a rough time lately.

This isn't good when you suffer from depression.

Nope, not good at all.

And to make it worse, I just can't mope on the couch all day and just be depressed.  Oh no, I have to go out into the world and fake it.  Not fake depression, I mean fake not being depressed.  (you knew what I meant, right?)

Money is an issue right now.  I have a job, a good job but the paycheck doesn't go as far as it used to.  I am even spending less.  I am blaming the president (or the government).  I wasn't this broke four years ago.  

Think about it for a minute...and you democrats who think I am bashing him because he is a democrat, you are wrong.  I would bash anyone who doesn't help my paycheck go as far as it used to.

Four years ago a can of Pringles was about 99 cents.  Today they are almost 2 bucks.  

I'll give you a second to digest that.....

Who can afford Pringles these days?

Ok, now how about gas?

Or how about toilet paper?

Try an orange.....

Get my drift?

It sucks.

You know I make $500 too much a month to qualify for any sort of assistance?

I have to creatively budget my money for 6 months for me to even get my hair done while people who don't work can afford to not only get their hair done but also their nails, toes and their upper lip waxed.

I am working and not getting anywhere.  I almost want to quit my job and go back to Walmart so I make the minimum to qualify for state aid on shit.

Seriously.

Where are the programs to help single parents who are working to provide a good home, food and clothes for their kids?

It just pisses me off.

and upsets me....

a lot.