I am Afraid of my Vision Board

A vision board is something that my counselor suggested that I do to realize my goals and desires.  It is basically to keep me from losing sight of what it is that I want in my life that will make me happy.

I put up a big bulletin board in my kitchen and tacked on pictures of houses, gardens, puppies and kittens and a trip to Niagara Falls.  (shut up...I really want to see a big ass waterfall.)

I want my own house so I can create my own flower gardens.  I want to have a dog and a cat.  (I already have two guinea pigs.)

Ok, so now that I explained that....

I put an ad in the paper.  I am looking for a house to rent to own or land contract.  It was a small little ad with only 12 words and my phone number.  I didn't think any one would call.

then...my phone rang....

A gentleman said that he bought a farmhouse on foreclosure and is in the middle of fixing it up.  It has four bedrooms, two baths, a new furnace, water heater and ac unit.  It sits on 6 acres of land with a barn and pond.  He is willing to do a rent to own or land contract on the place.  Would I be interested in seeing it?

Holy shit!

So, yeah...I looked at it.  It is perfect.  It would not cost any more than the rent I pay now.  It would be bigger and quieter (I hate my current neighbors).  I would be able to have flowers and animals.

Then I came home to my vision board.

I could have cried.  I could have a house with gardens and have a dog and a cat and ducks too.

But then the fear set in....

FEAR!!!!

WTF?

I have heard life coaches talk about fear.  Fear of change.  Fear of failure.  Fear of this and that....

Fear of what keeps us from realizing our dreams and goals.

So all day I have been listening to my inner voices try to reason with the fear.  I keep hearing my mom "Jesus Christ, who is going to plow the snow or mow that yard?"  "How are you going to deal with the water heater blowing up?"  Mom was always quick to point out the negatives.  She still does even though she is no longer here and it drives me bat shit crazy.  I keep asking myself if I can do this.

I want to do this.  I need to do this. I need to get past that fear and just say screw it, it ain't going to kill me.

At least I hope it won't.

:-S

A Different Kind of Anniversary

My mom passed away two months ago today.

I don't write about it much or how I feel about it because once I do, I can't stop crying.  (like now)

It has been a hard two months without her to talk to.  I can't just call her up because I feel like it.  I can't tell her how I like my new job or that I am thinking about buying a house.  I can't tell her that I finally but my hair off.  I can't tell her that she has a new grandpiggy.

It upsets me.

Lung cancer took her.

I get angry over that too.  She could have stopped smoking.  She could have taken better care of herself.  

She won't be there for her grandkids' graduations or weddings.  

This weekend we have to go through her things.  That upsets me too.  It feels like I am picking off a scab of a deep wound.  

Ugh...

People say that she is around and can see what's going on but it isn't the same.  

She isn't suffering anymore but those of us left behind are.

Ever Wonder What it Feels Like?

I've reread some of my old blog entries.  I pulled several off of my blog and tucked them away in a safe place.  I was told once that they made certain people uncomfortable.

Well, hell, ,depression IS uncomfortable.  It is an icky, awful, mood altering, horrible, alone kind of feeling.  You feel it envelope you like a greasy skin weighing you down so much so you feel like you will never ever stand up again.  You lie when you are asked if you are ok.  You fake a smile or a laugh when inside you are crumbling.  You feel unlovable, broken in some way.  You think that everyone who sees you, sees your ugly side.

Doctors can give you pills, therapists can give you advice, but it still lurks and awaits your weak moment and then.....

BLAM!

it hits you.

So yeah, it is uncomfortable.

duh...

I was told once (during my ickiest feelings) that someone came across my blog and was made to feel uncomfortable by some of my writing.  I was upset and pulled them all.  I probably shouldn't have.  I don't mind sharing my feelings and thoughts.  I am sure that there are hundreds if not thousands out here just like me.

So I was thinking about that moment where I was told about making someone uncomfortable.  Then I went to my blog stash and reread my feelings and thoughts that I wrote at the moment of feeling them.  I also remember how it felt to write it down and do a mind dump.  It can be therapeutic.  It can also let someone else know that they aren't alone in this feeling.

So if you just read all of this and feel uncomfortable.....

just imagine how I feel.

Afraid to Sleep

He comes into my dreams, uninvited.

Sometimes I find myself yelling at him.  Sometimes I am crying.  Sometimes we are back to where we were before everything turned wrong.  Sometimes he is just there.

He haunts me still.

A year after.

He still has control and I cannot make him leave.

He is sleeping with my friends.  He is telling me that he doesn't love me, over and over again.

How does this happen?

How does he still exist in my mind when he chose to leave a year ago?  How does he continue to torment me?  How does he manage to turn my thoughts into him?  How does he control me from within? 

I cannot control my dreams and maybe he knows this.

Perhaps my pain still lingers.  

Unending.

Ninja Insurance Warrior

I've been in Ninja Insurance Warrior Boot Camp for most of the week.  I am training to be a Ninja Insurance Warrior.  I need to complete this in order to get my super ability to indemnify people.  

I am dead serious.

I have actually written several blog entries but haven't been able to post them.  I wrote mostly about my feelings about my mom's death.  It has been incredibly hard to write about since my emotions are all over the board and my writing reflect it.

I talked with my step dad tonight and he said that he has been yelling at my mom for leaving him. I can relate.  I have wanted to yell many times at her.  She left us too soon and she is mostly to blame for being stubborn and careless with her health.  It makes me angry that she isn't around any more and will miss out on so many things.

Yeah, I know you might be thinking that she will be around anyway but to us living people it isn't the same as having her participate without popping up in a ghostly fashion.

Back to my training.

A couple of months ago I decided to make some changes.  I needed to leave the profession I was in.  I wasn't satisfied and I wasn't too happy about co-workers causing drama.  I was stressed about mom being sick.  Something had to give, so I left my job and took one at an insurance agency.  I will be a licensed professional.

I went from working in a highly corporate (world headquarters) environment in which I had to watch what I said and did to working in a very relaxed environment with two people.  It has been pretty darn cool and my stress level is way down.  My stress cough is pretty much gone.

yay!

I knew I wasn't happy so I did something about it.

Even though change completely terrifies me, I did it.

yay again!

Courage comes from within.

You Need to Take the Leap Off the Diving Board and Pray That You Can Remember How to Swim

I have always been afraid of change.  Ok, well...not afraid but I just dislike it.

I guess I tend to stick with what I know and pretend to be happy.

Key word in the previous sentence is "pretend".

Pretending to be happy tend to get old and makes me grumpy and sad.  I can only be grumpy and sad for so long before it eats at me until I am forced to make a change.

Change and courage go hand in hand for me.

It takes courage to change.

I have had so much change in the last couple of weeks.  It is almost like change overload.  So as I sit and write this, I am in kind of a fog.

I lost my mom a week ago today.  She was diagnosed with cancer of the lungs, bones and adrenal glands back in August.  We knew the end was coming but we always expected to have more time.  I think everyone thinks that time is continuous in some sort of way.  We tend to forget that time has a limit.  It has been hard adjusting to this change.  She isn't there anymore when I go to pick up the phone.  She isn't there when I need to tell someone something grown up like.  It is just weird.

I am not fond of this type of change.

The other change is today was my last day of my old job.  I have been working for the same company for over 7 years.  This was a record for me.  I never intended to stay that long.  It just sort of happened.  My job was a big part of my life.  If you think of it, when you spend 8 hours a day for five days a week for about 48 weeks a year (includes vacations and such).  That's a lot of time in one place.  Hell, I don't think I spend that much time at home even and I pay rent for this place.  The job had its little changes.  It became challenging but not enough to kept me there.  I needed to change.

I was scared of this type of change.

But I did it.

I found a new job where I can meet new people and spread my wings a little.  I needed less stress.

Change takes courage.  We have to find the courage in ourselves to make that change.  Sometimes that little voice that whispers "you got to do something about it" can be the scariest thing.

Sometimes we just need to take that leap.  

Used To

I used to write a lot.

I mean, seriously, a lot.

I've gotten away from it.  I always had something to say or wanted to pass a fleeting thought.  I called it my mind dump.  It was like dumping something that was just sitting in my head before I went to bed.  It helped me rest better.

I am strange like that.

I got away from writing and started creating stuff.

My latest stuff is cell phone dust plugs.

These are little plugs that fit into the little hole on top of your cell phone. They help to keep the dust and dirt out and they add a little pizzazz to your phone.

I have the popular animal plugs:

and sports plugs:

more can be found here:

Inspiralicious (my store)

I should really write more though.  I have a lot going on in my head and I just need to let it out.  I wish I could just sit and write a book but my attention span is as wide as a dime (if that).  I have all these great ideas for a book or even a series of blog posts.  *sigh*

But for now....

I will just keep on creating.