I'm tired. Not just a sleepy kind of tired.
I'm tired of feeling lost and disconnected. I try to find some sort of direction but often find myself in circles.
I'm tired of living this mundane life with the same day over and over again. I keep thinking that it will change but it never ever does.
I'm tired of being alone and feeling lonely. I have so much to give but there seems to be no one who wants to receive. There isn't anyone to talk to and it seems that my dog is the only one happy to see me at the end of the day.
I'm tired of the struggle of being on my own. I have no one to to share the heavy load of running a home.
I'm tired of fighting depression. Every day seems to big a huge struggle to get out of bed and put on a fake face that hides the demons that haunt me.
I'm tired of giving it my all only to be shot down time after time. My accomplishments are never recognized and the only time I hear anything is when I am failing.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of feeling like I want to curl up into a tight ball hoping that I just disappear.
I'm tired of trying to be strong. The knot between my shoulders grows tighter every single day.
I'm tired of just being me. Sometimes the thought creeps in. the very thought of ending everything.
I'm tired of being afraid to reach out for help. Help can be expensive. Have you ever had to pay for therapy?
I'm tired of shit just going all kinds of wrong.
I'm just so tired.
I caught myself thinking of a quote that was said about me years ago. This quote was said on a forum that I once belonged to by someone I never expected it from.
Most of the time I don't see myself as anyone special. I don't think of myself as having some "gift" that exudes a sort of outward beauty towards others.
There are times where I feel like I am the most ugly person on the planet. I also do not think I am worthy of such a quote that was said so long ago.
Someone who used the name "webgirrly" was describing me to others. She wrote something that I have held on to forever. It has been buried in my draft emails.
"Julie will make you fall in love with her at the most inopportune of times. Stick with the urging, though, and you will find a place to accommodate it."
She didn't want to like me. I think there were times that I annoyed the hell out of her. But in the end, she loved me.
I have no idea why I had been thinking of what she had said about me.
Maybe because some how my self esteem just needed a boost.
I struggle constantly with trying to find my purpose and also why I am alone.
Many times I am asked why I am still single.
How in the hell would I know?
Maybe in this crazy world of interwebs and social networking we are afraid to allow ourselves to love or fall in love.
I wish I had answers to the question.
It is too bad that we are afraid to love one another.
Love should be shouted. Love should be felt. Love should not be pushed aside.
And yet, we fail at loving one another.
I sometimes wish I could tell someone that I love them.
I have no idea where I was going with this entry. I think that remembering what was said about me just stirred up some feelings.
Perhaps I am just rambling.
These last few days I have been having a depression flare up. I hate that. I brace myself for it and just hang on until it passes.
Sometimes the weather triggers it and then sometimes the hormones go all whack-a-doo.
Sometimes my kids demand more from me than I want to give.
Sometimes it isn't anything at all.
This time it is a little different.
My brain won't shut up.
I guess we can call it the voices in my head and we can all chuckle about it....but it really isn't' funny.
I miss my therapist for things like this.
I find myself thinking that there has to be more to my life than just this. Work, sleep, work, sleep....minimal fun time, minimal relax time. I want an adventure. I want to do something bold. I want more to my life than just this.
I read some where that when you find yourself thinking this way that you should make the change.
Yes, but that shit is scary.
I also find myself in a mental struggle in wanting to tell someone how I feel but I am afraid of the reaction. I am afraid of rejection. I am mostly afraid of getting hurt....again.
That shit is scary too.
I look in the mirror and wonder how anyone could want to be with me. I feel ugly. I look tired. I also have the hidden crazy inside too.
ugh....
I struggle with work. I like what I do and I work hard at it. I am scared that I am not doing the right thing or that I will piss someone off. I also am afraid that I just might tell off a customer who really deserves it. Some of my coworkers also need a reality slap to the head.
People are assholes.
Even worse, they don't care that they are assholes.
I have a big trip coming up on behalf of the company. I am honored to be chosen to represent the store and have the opportunity to feel like a bigger part of the picture. Travel always gives me anxiety. I fear getting lost or missing a flight. I fear I won't find a ride to where I need to stay. I fear I will forget to pack something that I really need. I am always afraid that I won't have enough money.
Stupid, eh?
Maybe it is the fears that are driving me nuts.
But then again, the brain eggs on the fears.
My brain tells me that I don't deserve a great relationship. It tells me that I deserve this mundane life. It also tells me that I will miss my flight.
Oh there are so many other things it tells me but I would be here for months typing it all out.
I read all sorts of self help crap.
Ask for what you want. See it, do it. A successful trip is well planned. Fear is nothing but an illusion. blah blah blah
I know, I'm making excuses. I need to work through all this crap in my head.
I am stronger than the voices. (haha)
I've rambled on enough about it.
Besides, my brain is tired.
As a child I remember the hand me downs. I always received clothes from my older cousins. Getting a new bag of old clothes was always fun for me. I loved my cousins' sense of style. (Even though I think my aunts had all the doing in it.)
We weren't poor but we weren't rich either.
I think my parents saved money this way. Geico wasn't around to switch to back in the late 70's.
These days I think my daughter would have a major melt down at the very thought of wearing hand me downs. She will not even go to Goodwill for Pete's sake.
I try to explain that second hand jeans are the best when they are already broke in. She doesn't buy it.
(Can't wait till that kid gets a job.)
What got me thinking about hand me downs didn't even have to do with clothes.
I am typing this blog on a hand me down (over) laptop. My daughter never used it.
NEVER
Do you know what her father had paid for this thing?
Anyway...
My other laptop, which was a hand me down (over) from my son, completely died.
There was no fanfare, no sparks, no blue screen of death. It just stopped taking a charge. No matter what new charger I bought for it, it just decided to die.
My children didn't only hand me down (over) computers....oh no.
I also have an iPad mini that my daughter never used.
Crazy eh?
These kids are strange.
Maybe they get it from me....
who knows.
But I like hand me downs.
never mind.... I'm not making sense.
I keep referring to my kids handing me "over" because they aren't really handing stuff down to me. I am older after all.
But they are taller than me...but I digress.
The real blessing in using the hand me down (over) electronics is that I can spend my money on other things. Like groceries, bills and gas to get to work.
Maybe someday my kids will change their minds when they have kids of their own.
You know....I loved you once.
Once upon a time long ago. Back when I trusted everything you said.
I believed that you had loved me too. I loved you deeply and completely. I opened myself up to you. I never loved anyone else as much as I did you. Honestly, I didn't see myself with any other man, ever. I looked forward to a future with you.
You were my one and only.
Then you left.
Not just once, but twice.
Broken heart each fucking time.
I used to be a very forgiving person. I used to trust too. I used to be a lot of things.
Lots of past tense words, eh?
I am not that person any more.
You text me now. You say you miss "talking" to me.
Texting isn't talking.
The fact is, I don't miss you. I don't miss your sweet words. I don't miss your fine talk. I don't miss our private little jokes. I don't miss any more of your sugar coated bull shit.
I deserve much better.
At first I couldn't figure out why, after all these years, did you choose to miss me all of a sudden. I was baffled as to why you would poke at my heart again with an email.
Then it dawned on me and I did some digging.
I think you forgot how cleverly, smart I am.
I see that she's divorcing you.
I've been staring at this blank page for awhile.
I want to write. (I need to write.) Words just escape me.
I guess I will just type and hope that it makes sense.
Things aren't right with me. They haven't been for some time. I know something is up but can't put my finger quite on it.
I tend to blame my depression. (That dirty bastard) But it isn't just the depression.
Stress had been a big cause.
I have a lot of it and it has been hard to deal with.
Being single and not having anyone to take some of the burden away doesn't help.
Being single and being a mom doesn't help.
Being a good worker and trying to be perfect doesn't help.
All of the burdens fall on my shoulders. My back is getting that huge fist like knot in the upper middle and my head aches all of the time. The brain doesn't shut up. Sleeping pills aren't working. My health is deteriorating. My eye even exploded the other day. (Sounds more dramatic than it really was but the blood vessels in my eye popped)
My doctor doesn't like the fact that my blood pressure is super high and has been for quite some time. And she tells me to make dietary changes, lose some more weight (duh) and relax.
RELAX!!!!!
(hahahahahaha....excuse me while I wipe a tear)
How in the hell am I supposed to relax?
She suggested yoga.....in my spare time.......
yup, that's going to work well
I wish I could afford a vacation.
I go in on Tuesday to find out just how serious the stress has damaged my body. I worry about that now.
I get several tips like:
Take a bath (I loathe baths....LOATHE them)
Take a walk (I limp like a gimpy bastard and it hurts)
Take a nap (Hello, sleeping pills don't help me sleep)
Pet the cat (He's a grumpy mother f**ker)
Paint or color (pft...I painted to whole damn kitchen.....twice)
Go for a ride (um, gas ain't 99 cents anymore)
Yeah yeah....I'm full of excuses.
But seriously, all of the above and even some tips I haven't even mentioned are only temporary distractions from the more serious stresses.
These stresses seem so colossal that they will never fully subside.
I can only keep hoping that something gives and I find some relief from everything that is worrisome. I also hope to find a way to get some zen.
(sorry about the long babble...sometimes just writing helps)
Typically, most days, I love what I do.
I mean for like 18 out of 24 hours a day, I love what I do.
That's pretty good I think.
I hear a lot of people pissing and moaning that they hate their jobs. Hate is a pretty strong word, right?
I suppose you get where I am going with this.
But there are just some times where I'm driving and it's quiet and my head wanders and I am talking to myself and, and....and.....
I come up with things like:
"I'm fairly smart and creative, why can't I just start my own business?"
or
"There's got to be more to my life than just this."
I guess I tend to wish that I could figure out how to do something I love and get paid for it to the point where it just doesn't feel like work.
People have been just down right crabby lately. Customers, co-workers, bosses.....you name it, they are CRABBY.
To the point where I can't stand to be around any of them.
It is hard for a person who has depression to keep her shit in check with all of the negativity flying around.
If I could run a business from home and do what I love without dodging crab nuggets all freaking day long, that would be just great.
Maybe I just need a vacation....or a margarita......or both.
sigh
