I think this is the very first letter that I have ever written you. Kind of strange but I have never really moved so far away to where I couldn't just pick up the phone and call you. This time circumstances are very different. You are the one who is very far away and I don't believe there are any phones where you are.
I have always been a big letter writer. Well, you knew that already since you had to put stamps and addresses on every letter I wrote until I was old enough to do it myself.
We scattered your ashes in your favorite fishing spot. It was the very first time that I was ever there. It is quite amazingly beautiful and quiet. You should be at peace there. It was hard to do. It is hard to say good bye to someone that I have known my whole entire life.
Mom, I haven't really mourned your death yet. It has been almost 11 months and I have not allowed myself to cry or mourn. It is weird. I think that if I really stopped to do it, I may never stop. It doesn't mean that I don't think of you. I think of you every day. I think of what you are missing. I think of the cancer that took you away. I think about how sometimes I wish I could just call you.
Maybe I am mourning you. I don't know. I never had a mom die before.
I am thankful that I did get to talk to you the morning on the day you died. I am thankful that I got to tell you that I loved you one last time and I am also thankful that I got to hear that you loved me too. That was most important since I couldn't be there when you left.
I went through all the cards that people sent us expressing their sympathy. It is strange to look at them now and think that they offered their sympathy then but now we (your family) still hurt and miss you.
I also went through the slides that I got from you. It is so strange to look at them now and remember what it was like to be a child and looking at you younger than I am now. They are good memories. Thank you for giving me the slides.
I know that I am angry. I am angry at the cancer that took you. I am angry at you for not going to the doctor sooner. I am angry at the cigarettes. I am angry that there wasn't more time. I am angry that you will miss life events. I am just still angry.
I wish I could write more and tell you everything but I am crying now. (I guess I am mourning, eh?)
I miss you so much.
Love,
Me
My mom
Mom's final resting place
Mom's ashes being scattered
