Sometimes I Think I am Losing my Shit

Yeah, I know the title has a swear word in it. (sorry dad)

As I have written about in the past, I have depression.  I've had it for as long as I can remember.  I've dealt with it.  I deal with it.  I most likely will continue to deal with it.

I write about it because it helps.

Lately I feel like I am going to just lose my shit and explode.

So much flies at me that it is like extreme dodge ball but not with balls.  I want to say almost like the old fashioned pointy jarts.  If you don't know what those are, go ahead and google it, I'll wait.

It is almost 3:30 in the morning and I obviously am not sleeping.  I am supposed to get up to go to work in about two hours.  That won't be happening.  I am going to take a personal day to try to get my shit together.

When I say that I am about to lose my shit, I mean that I have so much on my mind that if one more thing comes at me, I think I may just about run around the apartment screaming "uncle".

Some stuff is good, like my job and about a deal I have in the works about a bigger place to live.  Some stuff is bad, like my older kid having health issues and my weekly dental visits.

Then I can add in the fact that I am extremely upset with my step father and never mention it to anyone because I am not sure how to even explain how I feel or how anyone would take my feelings.  I am afraid to even mention it to him since he called me a few days ago (it had been about 6 months before that) and he had me on speaker phone with his "girlfriend".  It just makes me so uncomfortable and angry.

Whatever....

I also feel like the walls of this apartment are closing in on me.  I can't seem to breathe.  I look around and feel pathetic.  I hate the neighbors and I don't even know them.  The parking lot pisses me off every time I trip on the broken asphalt.  The hallway stinks of cigarettes and old dogs.  My doorbell is broken and the fridge makes this horrible clunking noise. The landlord fails to address any of the issues.

I miss my mom.

My daughter is being confirmed next month and the ex wants to do a party.  I am not to sure how to feel.  We always have got along well but his family is another story.  The thought of facing my two ex-sisters in law from hell gives me anxiety.  I'll will do it and be nice because that's who I am and I will never ever let on that they just wig me out.

Sometimes I wish I had a girlfriend to have wine with so I can talk to someone.  I often wish my long time friends weren't so far away.  I miss them terribly.

So, here I am typing away.  I have a weird form of ADD too so I flip back and forth between tabs.  I have puppies on one, sofas on another and google images on a third.  

I tried to read my book a little but the mind is strong tonight and just wants to keep churning.

I Don't Always Have Strength

Despite the pain killer and the sleeping pills, I have insomnia.

I used to have insomnia all the time.  It has been more rare over the last few years however it has reared it's ugly head for the last two nights.

I have been working pretty hard; long hours on my feet, weird shifts, and overnights.

Yesterday morning I came home from work and while I was changing out of my stinky clothes I noticed that my left big toe was ugly...well, uglier than usual.

It was painful to touch it and it was an angry red.  The toenail appeared to be green underneath.  I knew it was bad and probably should be looked at by a doctor.

I went to sleep for a few hours.  I got up to pick up my daughter from school and we took my toe to the walk in clinic.

The toe was infected and the nail had to be removed.  It was gross and painful and gained a huge bandage the size of a light bulb.  I was given prescriptions, instructions, gauze, wrap, crutches and a note to miss work for the next day.

But this whole toe thing isn't what this entry is about.

I have a friend who tells me that she admires my strength.  I've been through some pretty tough times and haven't lost my mind completely.

But lately I don't feel very strong.

I have been crying off and on.  I don't sleep.  I don't feel like eating.

The depression is coming to surface again.

When I do sleep, I dream of my mom.  

I miss her when I am hurting....physically and mentally.  Well, I miss her all the time but more so when things turn shitty.

She used to come and stay with me some times and I used to go to see her when I needed a break from things.

My toe triggered this feeling again.  Even though there are so many other things draining me at the moment, it is like the weight that broke the camel's back.

It seems as if I have no one to talk to about my feelings lately.  I feel kind of lost and I wish something would just give a little.

  

*sigh*