Depression has always been my nemesis. I have openly and honestly admitted it. I write about it. I talk about it.
What I've been feeling lately isn't exactly depression. It is just an odd feeling.
I get testy and snappy.
I feel like crying one minute and the next I'm fine.
I have a lot going on.
My job has been keeping me busy. I work dumb hours. I wake up at 3 am to get to work by 4. I'm supposed to be done around 1 pm.
Note the word "supposed".
I've been adjusting to my new schedule and the brutal, physical demands of what I do.
Wait...I should say most of me has been adjusting.
My left knee has been noticeably protesting.
I saw the orthopedic surgeon today. The same handsome doctor that fixed it nine years ago. We did some x-rays and we looked at the x-rays. Both of us said almost in unison, "that looks kind of ugly".
The knee joint is basically bone on bone.
This explains all of the pain.
I knew it.
I left his office with a promise that I would consider having the joint replaced.
I went and sat in my car and cried.
That odd feeling.
Who do I talk to about it? Who do I go to when I have things to decide? If I had it done, who would help me?
All of the questions just came flooding in with a very noticeable feeling of odd.
I'm alone.
99% of my time is spent alone.
Hell, I'm alone right now.
(The dog doesn't count.)
My mom is no longer around to talk to. My dad is suffering from his own aliments.
How do I decide when and if I should get this damn knee taken care of? What do I do for money when I can't work? Who would lead my team? How will I climb the stairs to my apartment?
So many dumb questions....
And then this overwhelming feeling of loneliness.
Damn knee
