Sometimes the weather triggers it and then sometimes the hormones go all whack-a-doo.
Sometimes my kids demand more from me than I want to give.
Sometimes it isn't anything at all.
This time it is a little different.
My brain won't shut up.
I guess we can call it the voices in my head and we can all chuckle about it....but it really isn't' funny.
I miss my therapist for things like this.
I find myself thinking that there has to be more to my life than just this. Work, sleep, work, sleep....minimal fun time, minimal relax time. I want an adventure. I want to do something bold. I want more to my life than just this.
I read some where that when you find yourself thinking this way that you should make the change.
Yes, but that shit is scary.
I also find myself in a mental struggle in wanting to tell someone how I feel but I am afraid of the reaction. I am afraid of rejection. I am mostly afraid of getting hurt....again.
That shit is scary too.
I look in the mirror and wonder how anyone could want to be with me. I feel ugly. I look tired. I also have the hidden crazy inside too.
ugh....
I struggle with work. I like what I do and I work hard at it. I am scared that I am not doing the right thing or that I will piss someone off. I also am afraid that I just might tell off a customer who really deserves it. Some of my coworkers also need a reality slap to the head.
People are assholes.
Even worse, they don't care that they are assholes.
I have a big trip coming up on behalf of the company. I am honored to be chosen to represent the store and have the opportunity to feel like a bigger part of the picture. Travel always gives me anxiety. I fear getting lost or missing a flight. I fear I won't find a ride to where I need to stay. I fear I will forget to pack something that I really need. I am always afraid that I won't have enough money.
Stupid, eh?
Maybe it is the fears that are driving me nuts.
But then again, the brain eggs on the fears.
My brain tells me that I don't deserve a great relationship. It tells me that I deserve this mundane life. It also tells me that I will miss my flight.
Oh there are so many other things it tells me but I would be here for months typing it all out.
I read all sorts of self help crap.
Ask for what you want. See it, do it. A successful trip is well planned. Fear is nothing but an illusion. blah blah blah
I know, I'm making excuses. I need to work through all this crap in my head.
I am stronger than the voices. (haha)
I've rambled on enough about it.
Besides, my brain is tired.
