A Beautiful Emotional Mess

I dropped my Coke on the garage floor and stood over it and cried.

I'm a mess emotionally lately.

I haven't been sleeping.  I haven't been eating.

I put on a happy face and fake it to the world but in private, my face is sad.

I feel so alone lately.

I worry that it is only going to get worse.  My son is grown and moved out.  My daughter is a teenager and doing her own thing.

I read some where that loneliness is a faster cause of death than smoking. 

I miss having someone to love and to love me as I deserve.  This time of year is the hardest.  

I tend to feel unlovable and worthless.  I feel that men never want to be the person that I deserve.  I just build a wall around myself and wallow in my self pity.

Hell, I fear commitment.  Every relationship I've had just blew up into ugly.

But I can't just give up.

So I stood over my Coke and cried.

The Berlin Wall and My Mother

I used to have a piece of the Berlin Wall.

I bet you are wondering how this relates to my mother.

Let me tell you...

This is probably one of this most difficult things to write about and it has taken me years to put it together and just as long to not stop writing to have a cry.

Like I said, I used to have a piece of the Berlin Wall.  I also had a very coveted Stephen King novel and a potato belly mandolin.

As I write, please remember that I do love my mother.

You can love someone and at the very same time be angry at them.

I had a bad break up years ago that led me to see a counselor.  During my first visit I exclaimed, "Why do I keep choosing the wrong men?"

So the counselor asked me about my past, my family dynamics, my goals, what makes me happy.  You know, all that counseling stuff.

After a few sessions, my counselor mentioned that she thought I may be the daughter of a narcissistic mother.  She recommended that I read, "Will I Ever Be Good Enough", by Karyl McBride.

I read the book.  

And I cried for hours.

and hours....

The book felt like the author knew my life.

The hurt and anger bubbled up to the surface.  I had an understanding of why I am the way I am.

A narcissistic mother has the family revolve around them.  The pit siblings against each other.  She is extremely controlling of one child (me), makes one out to be the bad kid (my brother) and ignores the rest (my sister).

A narcissistic mother cannot exhibit empathy.  She doesn't acknowledge your successes and stresses the importance of how things look to her and not how it feels for you.  She is critical and judgmental.  She is more of a friend than a parent.  She tells you how to feel instead of asking how you feel.  

The dynamic of a narcissistic mother is so broad that I cannot even list everything and not all narcissistic mothers have all of the dynamic.

Obviously, growing up, I never knew of this form of abuse but as an adult, I totally do now.

Trying to heal from it is difficult.  I suffer from such self doubt.  

When I fix my hair, I hear my mom's voice, "If you wear you hair short, you face wouldn't look so fat." 

I struggle in relationships.  I try so hard to please my partner that I lose who I am in the process.  I have had lots of practice trying to please my mother in order to receive love and acceptance.  I never felt like I totally achieved the goal.

During my counseling, I grieved for my younger self.  I see a little blonde haired girl wanting desperately to be loved but never feeling it the way that it should have been.

Instead of encouraging me to grow and learn my way, she limited me.  I wanted to go to college so bad in Colorado.  I applied and was accepted at several universities.  When the acceptance letters came in the mail, I eagerly showed them to my mom.  She looked at the letters in disgust and said that she would never pay for me to go to a school that far away.  My hopes and dreams were cut so very short.  I basically gave up on dreaming after that.

When I was 21, I finally moved out and as I was packing up my room I noticed my coveted Stephen King novel, that she had even given my one Christmas, was missing as well as a piece of the Berlin Wall that a friend had sent me.  I questioned her on it and she said that she took them and gave them to one of her friends because she figured I was doing reading the book and that I didn't want the rock anyway.

Even after all this time, I am very angry.  Two of my favorite treasures.....gone.

After my second divorce, my parents were helping me move into my new house.  She spotted my antique potato belly mandolin and asked if she could have it back.  She gave it to me for Christmas one year.  She wanted to gift it to my nephew (that I have never met) because she felt he would appreciate it more than me.

Again, I felt defeated but I didn't stand up to her.

Even after she died, my sister got her wedding rings and she said that was going to happen because I should get my grandmother's ring from my Aunt.  She said I should contact her to get it.

So why do I write about this now?

It has taken time.  I have so many unfinished drafts.  It is a hard subject to explain.  I open myself up to judgment because heaven forbid that I talk bad about her.

I can only hope that I continue to heal.  

Maybe someday I will be good enough.



Links:

Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Website

Being Single Mom

I don't brag much.

I never see the point.  I don't need a pat on the back or sympathy.

I'm a single mom.

I have been for many years.

It is a struggle, a constant struggle.

I am so fortunate to have kids that turned out so great.  They could have been such different people without my sacrifices.

My son is now an engineer.  He has his head on straight.  He works hard and is smart with his money.

My daughter is a straight A student and is on path to graduate with honors.  She works, has a boyfriend and still manages to get constant As throughout her high school career.

I am amazed by both.

It has never been easy.  It is so hard to be strong for them while over coming obstacles, many of which were put in my path by their fathers.

I am sure some of you are reading this and thinking about their fathers.  Both fathers chose to bow out.  They left turmoil and unknowns behind.  They left me to deal with late night vomit, heartbreaks, homework, deadlines, school projects, fundraisers, practices, no money, utility shutoffs, and homelessness.

These fathers never had to make decisions, never signed field trip slips.  They never offered to coach soccer.  They never had to make sure the kids had to get to school on time.  There never had to be around when a meltdown started.

I have learned enough about cars to encourage my son's love of them.

I've struggled with money.  I have wondered how to put food on the table.  I've even been evicted by my daughter's father. 

I gave up on my own dreams, my own sanity, my own happiness for the sake of raising good kids.  

I think I've earned the right to brag a little.

I have managed to raise successful adults.

It hasn't been easy.

That Damn Knee

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Depression has always been my nemesis.  I have openly and honestly admitted it.  I write about it.  I talk about it.

What I've been feeling lately isn't exactly depression.  It is just an odd feeling.

I get testy and snappy.  

I feel like crying one minute and the next I'm fine.

I have a lot going on.

My job has been keeping me busy.  I work dumb hours.  I wake up at 3 am to get to work by 4.  I'm supposed to be done around 1 pm.  

Note the word "supposed".

I've been adjusting to my new schedule and the brutal, physical demands of what I do.

Wait...I should say most of me has been adjusting.

My left knee has been noticeably protesting.  

I saw the orthopedic surgeon today.  The same handsome doctor that fixed it nine years ago.  We did some x-rays and we looked at the x-rays.  Both of us said almost in unison, "that looks kind of ugly". 

The knee joint is basically bone on bone.

This explains all of the pain.

I knew it.

I left his office with a promise that I would consider having the joint replaced.

I went and sat in my car and cried.

That odd feeling.

Who do I talk to about it?  Who do I go to when I have things to decide?  If I had it done, who would help me? 

All of the questions just came flooding in with a very noticeable feeling of odd.

I'm alone.

99% of my time is spent alone.

Hell, I'm alone right now.

(The dog doesn't count.)

My mom is no longer around to talk to.  My dad is suffering from his own aliments.  

How do I decide when and if I should get this damn knee taken care of?  What do I do for money when I can't work?  Who would lead my team?  How will I climb the stairs to my apartment?

So many dumb questions....

And then this overwhelming feeling of loneliness.

Damn knee

Changes

Days have been extremely hard lately.  I cry in private and I tell myself that it will get better.

I feel like I lie to myself.

The past few weeks have been difficult.

Too many changes all at once.  The changes haven't been good to me or for me.

My job that I loved has turned into a job that I hate.  Everything I loved about it was taken away.

I now get up at 3 am to be at work by 4.  I bust my ass all day and never leave on time.  I have bruises.  I am exhausted.

My daughter's depression is challenging.  It is hard to help someone who is depressed when you are struggling.

I find myself huddled in a ball most of my time.  Trying to protect myself from my demons.

Shitstorm

I hesitate to write this.  I've been silent for so long while a shitstorm is brewing around me.

This is a continuation of my blog entry, A Total Miscarriage of Justice.

December 1, 2017 is a day I will remember as one of the worse days of my life.

Everyday from the day the judge ordered in favor of the eviction up until December 1st and after has been hell.

After the court hearing, I started packing.  I had to get everything packed and out of the house as fast as I could.  I couldn't risk getting kicked out without having all of my belongings safe.

Once everything was out and stored in a safe place, I still couldn't rest.  It was just a wait until my new place was ready to move into on December 1st.  I was in a constant state of anxiety just waiting for that knock at the door from the sheriff.

We stayed in an empty house on air mattresses, just hoping we had time and we weren't going to be homeless for a couple of days.  I also became so incredibly angry with the ex for allowing this all to happen.

On December 1st, I had the help of my friend, kids and dad to gt everything moved into our new place.  I was and still am in constant fear that the crazy bitch will find me and my daughter.

We had almost everything moved in and I get a phone call from the local police asking me what I was going to do with my dog that was still at the house.  I felt me skin go white.  I asked him why was he at the house and that we weren't done moving yet.  He said he was at the house with the bitch and that they wanted to know what to do with the dog.  I said I was going to be right over and hung up.

When we get there, she is yelling and screaming and dragging my dog out of the house in her kennel.  I'm yelling at her to let go and the cop is yelling at her to let go.


We get the dog taken care of.  I told the officer that there are still two cats in the house and that that crazy bitch is in the house illegally.  He said that she has the paperwork and when I asked to see it, he wouldn't let me see it.

My son opened the garage door using the code.  My car is still in the garage.  She comes storming out screaming that I am trespassing and she closes the garage door.  I'm yelling that she's in the house illegally and the cop is yelling that he will cite us both.

Total chaos.

She gets the garage door closed.

My daughter asks about the cats.  The cop wouldn't let anyone in.  My daughter explains that her dad is in the house so the cop lets her go in.

Kate grabs my coat off the counter.  (I assume she is going to use it to wrap the cat in it). That crazy bitch grabs my daughter and throws her down on the floor right in front of the cop and her father.  I hear my daughter crying and the cop yelling about disorderly conduct.  The bitch is yelling at the cop and my ex.  I assumed that my daughter was crying because the cat scratched her.  I only learned about the assault afterwards when I was called to the station to press charges.

A second cop shows up.

The bitch is inside going nuts.  I hear her yelling at my ex who is telling her to give me my stuff.  The cop is yelling at her.  My kids, my friend and I are all standing outside with the second cop.

The second cop tells me that she has never seen anything like this.  Clearly the bitch entered the house illegally.  She was supposed to have the sheriff serve paperwork before the house could legally be entered.

I decided to call the sheriff's office since they do evictions and our local police do not.  I knew it was wrong for the bitch to be in the house and to keep my car and the rest of my stuff.

Yes, she was going to keep my car.

While waiting for the sheriff, my ex comes out with my bedding.  It is soaking wet.  I asked him why in the hell it was wet.  He said it was on the bathroom floor.  I knew I left it on the kitchen counter and why in the hell was it wet.

I glance in the front door, there was water in the hallway.  I look my ex in the eye and say, "that crazy bitch flooded the house".  He said that there was water all over the basement and the upstairs bathrooms as well.  

I just could not believe the level of crazy and this story isn't even over yet.

A sheriff deputy shows up and goes right in the house.  There is more yelling.

My daughter is still trying to catch the cats.

So much chaos....

A second deputy shows up.

More yelling.

The cats are finally caught and secured in cars.

My daughter is being comforted by the cop who is outside with us.

Yelling and screaming inside the house.

At one point the cop outside with us must have seen the bitch lunge at one of the officers in the house.  She puts her hand on her gun and prepares to enter the house.  She apologized to us and explained that officer safety is her priority.

Finally our local cop comes out and explains that the sheriff deputies have explained that she is in the house illegally and that I am free to take my car and go.

I am allowed in the garage and go to get into my car and notice that there is glass all over the seat.  I look up and my windshield is smashed and a tire iron is laying my the car.

My heart sank.

I called the cop over and showed him.  I took a picture and he said just get in and go.

I look up and the two deputies are trying to hold the bitch back in the garage doorway.  She was trying to come after me.

There are no words to fully explain how I feel.  It has been a couple of months since this happened.

I am still very angry.  I constantly look over my shoulder.  That crazy bitch is incredibly violent.  She has physically attacked my ex.  She cannot know where I live.  I'm escorted out of work.  I worry for my daughter's safety.

There is so much more to this shitstorm that what I can say or write about at this time.

To be continued...