It amazes me how much anger I can have bottled up. I don't really let it out in constructive ways either.
I can almost feel my insides shaking with it. It crawls under my skin.
I think anger is just an extension of my depression.
I stay depressed and then it manifests into something quite ugly. For some reason it gets to that level sometimes. I never really know what triggers the flip from one feeling to the other.
I am angry because my brother brings up my mom. It isn't his fault because he doesn't know the whole story of the narcissistic parent/daughter thing going on. I don't dare tell him because I don't think he would get it and that will just turn into something incredibly ugly.
I am also angry because I feel used. I loaned money to a "friend". (ya ya...I know the lecture) and of course this was a couple of years ago and he still hasn't paid me back. He was supposed to pay me back two months after I loaned it to him. Now I see him posting about going here and there and of course it requires spending money. Jackass.....
I am angry for not being able to allow myself to spend my very first bonus on something I want. I wanted a tv, so I looked at tvs. Did I buy one? Nope. I wanted a sewing machine, so I looked at sewing machines. Did I buy one? Nope. I wanted a new fish tank so I looked at fish tanks. Did I buy one? Nope. I wanted new pots and pans and then at this point I just said "fuck it" and didn't bother.
Damn it.
I am angry at ignorant people who don't take the time to validate facts. Why this bothers me, I have no idea but it does. If you are going to share a "fact" with the entire world, you should make damn sure that it is in fact, a fact. Why spread stupidity? WHY?????? My mother used to do this and it just pissed me off.
I am angry because my drive way is icy. I mean "fall on your ass" icy and "break a hip" icy. I am so sick of winter and it angers me.
I am angry that my phone broke. I am so angry that I do not plan on replacing it any time soon. Screw that....I don't want to talk to anyone anyway.
So, if you need me, I will be over in the corner, keeping to myself, with no phone.
This weekend included a vendor fair in which I was selling my hand crafted bows and charms and other fun little items.
One of the other vendors was with Origami Owl. As a maker of little fun items, naturally I was intrigued. I went back to her table several times and learned the scoop on the company and its founder and how it worked and a whole bunch of other interesting tidbits.
The one thing that had me was that the founder was a teenage girl. This girl is now a muli-millionaire at the age of 17.
What. The. Hell....
She is 17.
I am 44.
I have always dreamed about starting my own business. Not necessarily for the money aspect (although that would be awesome) but for the whole reason of not having to work by anyone else's rules.
I am thinking about joining the Origami Owl team but at the same time I wonder about coming up with my own thing instead of selling someone else's thing.
It gives me so much to think about.
I have been reading so many books and blogs about starting up a business. I have also been reading up on how to target your dreams and make them into a reality.
My head is literally swimming with so many thoughts. It is making me nuts.
I feel it in my heart that if I just find what makes me the happiest, I can truly make it into something successful.
Currently I am just crafting and selling on Etsy....
https://www.etsy.com/shop/Inspiralicious?ref=si_shop
But....there may be something else that would be an even better idea coming.
I can just feel it.
Hell, if she can do it, I can do it. ;-)
I have never been comfortable dropping F-Bombs. I don't know why. It is a very strange habit of mine.
Maybe because my grandfather once told me that swearing tends to dumb people down. For some reason they cannot express what or why they are excited, angry, happy, sad....whatever.....so they swear.
I have no problem uttering "damn it" or "shit". Hell, I can even swear in several different languages.
But the F-Bomb....
One memory that stands out to me regarding the F-Bomb is the time my grandfather was having open heart surgery. He was rushed to a hospital about an hour away and I was living in the same town as my grandma so I had to drive her to the hospital. My mom met us there and we waited together. It was a long long wait. My grandma was so distraught. I was worried. I think my mom was too.
The surgery lasted for several hours and once he was out of surgery, it was late. My grandma, mom and I ended up getting a hotel room for the night.
Since the situation was stressful and our nerves were rattled we decided to drink several drinks. We proceeded to get drunk.
Mind you, three generations sitting in a hotel, tying one on was quite the site itself but when my mom dropped a F-Bomb, I was flabbergasted.
"Mom. you can't say that in front of your mom."
Then my grandma started in with this...
"Why can't she say fuck? Seriously, how can such a pleasurable thing be such an offensive word? I mean if you really want to swear, say "unfuck". Now there's a word."
I sat in stunned silence. Not only did my mother drop a F-Bomb in front of her mother, my grandmother was dropping F-Bombs all over the place and also stating that fucking was pleasurable.
Holy Crap!
I looked at my grandma and then my mother and then we busted out in laughter.
Even though I still can't bring myself to drop F-Bombs, it is one of the best memories.
