A few weeks ago I have one scary moment of irrational thinking. I was battling my depression and it damn near won.
Suicidal thoughts filled my head and I found myself in the bathroom looking for something to cut myself.
I wrote about that episode here: The Face of Depression
I was hurting so very much and just was losing the strength to fight it. I sent messages to those I love telling them that I loved them. I was ready to give up.
For years I have battled the depression. I've sought help. I take medication. I try to find my zen. There was just a moment where I was just ready to let go of all that pain.
But I didn't.
The incident still lingers in the background. I think about just how close I came to ending it.
I sought out something to remind me that I can't give up. I looked for something to put in place that would stop me from harming myself again.
All it takes is one brief moment to commit suicide.
I started looking at tattoos. I wanted to place it in a spot where I would see it and remember that my story isn't over.
I found a tattoo idea that I was drawn to. A butterfly in blue, something that started off not so pretty but continued to live to bloom into something beautiful.
The semicolon body is to remind me that my story is not over. An author uses a semicolon to not end a sentence but to continue on.
If you want to read about it, click here: Project Semicolon
I have the tattoo placed on my left forearm, just above my wrist. It is big enough to catch my attention at any time.
Is is a reminder that I too will continue to bloom into something beautiful and that my story is never over.
I am the butterfly.
It's coming again.
I can feel it.
Just of to the side and just out of view.
An emotional freight train.........
It has been a few weeks since my episode of unclear thinking.
I've made some effort to recognize the signs of the oncoming freight train of irrational thoughts. There is always a threat of irrational thoughts with me. It is just how I am.
I've built up a support system of friends and I won't be afraid to reach out if I need to. I don't ever want to get that close to the edge again.
Sometimes I wonder how anyone could ever love me for how I am.
I mean, it isn't that I am a horrible person. I don't pull wings off of flies to watch them suffer or anything.
I mean I do have these episodes of where I am not completely myself.
It is weird.
The thoughts are coming again.
Today I found myself staring in the mirror. I felt hatred.
I hate how I look. That face staring back at me wasn't what I was used to seeing.
I don't know.
It is hard to explain the struggle sometimes. It isn't a black and white type of thing.
I was thinking of past episodes from years ago when I used to self harm. I never cut myself or anything like that. It was different. I really don't want to share it.
It is strange to say that (type it) since I share just about everything here.
I am glad that I don't do it anymore though.
Today was just an angry day.
Angry with myself for just failing at things. This in turn caused the emotional freight train to depart brain station.
I am going on another ride soon.
She loves you, ya know.
Can't you feel it when she kisses you?
She will never tell you though.
Can you see it in her eyes when she looks at you?
She will never share it with you.
Can you feel her heart beating faster when you take her in your arms?
She can never let her feelings slip out.
She sometimes watches you sleep, breathing your breath. She lays on your chest just willing you to understand.
She shares your laughter.
She frees her time.
She loves you, ya know.
She keeps it to herself.
She was hurt once...
Badly...
She sometimes wishes she could tell you. That part she keeps hidden.
She treasures your smile, the one you show her. She listens to your voice, it calms her. She looks at your hands as they hold hers.
The taste of you, the smell of you, the sight of you....
Feels like home.
She loves you, ya know.
Obviously
But she will never tell you.
