Ghost of Depression Past

 

I saw a new doctor the other day.  Since moving back home, I knew I needed a medical care provider.

I ain't getting any younger.

Well that and the fact that I have some health issues that need managing.

It was a much longer appointment that I figured on.  I was impressed that she took the time to get to know me and my health history.  

When it came time to talk about how I manage my depression, I got a little anxious.  Even though I have battled depression for a very long time, it sometimes isn't easy to talk about without my eyes leaking a little.

To accept the causes is a little painful and then to openly talk about them is almost traumatic.  

When I had to tell her about the time that I had contemplated suicide it was a little painful.  It is harder for me to talk about it because it is hard to hide the emotion when you are face to face.  When I write about it, you can't see the tears stream down my face or my lip quiver.

I have come a long way in my healing from the past trauma.  The years of mental abuse, self sabotage, feelings of being unlovable, failure, sexual assault, and various other bits and pieces of hell had taken its toll and all came to a head.

You can read that here ----> Click Right Here

The best healing I have done was just by moving home.  Its a place where I have felt safe and secure.  Being with people who have known me for a very long time has helped me reconnect with myself before it all went south.

The doctor asked me if I still felt suicidal.  I explained that I never really was suicidal.  It was that one moment of irrational thinking that could have been the end but instead of cutting or taking pills, I decided to stop and just write.

And that helped a little

The other part was to accept my traumas and not let them mold me.  I own them and keep them in a part of me.  I have built on the fact that they did not break me.

I also learned to accept who I am.  I don't hide my true self from anyone.  I own that part of me too.  My true self is someone who surprises me.  I don't have much of a filter these days.  I say what I think and am honest with those around me.  I am also honest with myself.

I no longer accept anything less than I deserve.  I deserve to be happy.

When things go wrong, I no longer blame myself.

Rejection no longer cripples me.  If I ain't your cup of tea, I can't sweeten it with my sugar.  My life goes on.

I recognize my triggers.  I steer clear of them or I don't allow them to control me, I control them.

My boundaries are set.  As I see myself in fullness, it is easier to see others in the same way.

I also try to communicate well.  If I need clarity, I ask questions.  If the answers are honest and open, I accept them and take them to heart.  Sometimes the answers aren't always what I hope to hear, but it does give some peace to know how the other person feels.

I am still not 100% but I can say that the depression episodes are very far and few between now.  I do laugh more and I feel happier.  I see it on my face and in my heart.

I am thankful for those who are a part of my life and accept my quirks and never ask for anything more than I am capable of giving of myself.  I am truly blessed by the friendships that I continue to have and I love everyone of them wholly and completely.

Just Before Sunrise

 

It was just before sunrise as I watched him sleep.  I reached out to softly touch his hair.  Listening to his breathing, I wondered how I ended up there.

Every little choice in our lives brings us to a certain moment in time.  Sometimes we just want that moment to stop so we can just enjoy it longer.

Sometimes we are just put somewhere that we were meant to experience.  

To watch him sleep....

It wasn't about sex.  Sometimes there is a deeper connection.  To be close, so close to almost feel the heart.  

To almost feel what makes him, him.

To watch him sleep....

To find some sense of inner peace.  To find a deeper part of a friendship.  To understand.  

To touch his hair...

Reaching out to connect in a slight way.  To remember this moment as it may never come again....

just to watch him sleep.

Sex is Easy, Relationships are Hard

 It has been 3009 days since I was in a relationship.  That's a little over 8 years.

God, I sound like I just stood up at an AA meeting.

The ending of that relationship winged me a bit, sort of knocked me of the horse, took the wind out of my sails.....

You get the picture.

I don't think that was the whole reason to choose not to date though.

You see, I had therapy.  (insert winky face)

I actually had really good therapy.  After the ending of that relationship, I sought help to find out why I was choosing the same man over and over again to be connected with.

Now, there is a whole lot of psychobabble and what for as to why I stayed single for so long but I will put it in a nut shell.

(I must admit, there is a long pause here that you can't really see because I have to try to put a lot of stuff in a tiny nut shell.)

Maybe I won't try to nut shell it.....  still pausing....

But I did choose men who either cheated or just disappeared on me.

Yes, disappeared.  (That's a whole other story.)

I had to spend time with myself to get to know the real me in other to understand what I should look for in a partner.  I have to understand my own needs and wants and not give into the "dealbreakers" in order to just be with someone.

I bet at this point you are wondering when I would start talking about sex, eh?

For the last 8 years, I have been looking within myself for the things that I can offer someone freely and discover my own happiness on my own.  With that being said, I still needed sex.

Not many people would willingly admit that but come on...we all need to have some sort of contact with...well....you know.

I had a certain friend who I saw on occasion for a meeting of the, er, um "minds".  A chance to unwind and not worry about all the other crap that affects us on a daily basis.

It worked for 8 whole years.

I knew that I couldn't give 100% to a relationship and I understood that he couldn't give 100% to a relationship and we came to the conclusion that we would just give each other what we needed at the time and that was that.

Was it hard to not "catch feelings"?  Oh yes, but you can still care for someone without saying the "L" word out loud.  We just had to accept the terms of our relationship and carry on as such.

The one thing that was easy about the sex is that we knew where we stood.  The expectation was clear .  There were no unsaid words and no assuming anything other than a roll in the hay.  It was very doable.

So where am I going with all this....

Recently a friend said "sex is easy, relationships are hard".

Oh how true that is.

The sex part of it was so damn easy.

Relationships are hard.

and scary

To put you vulnerabilities out there for someone to accept is very terrifying.

What is they don't like me on my bad days?

Oh and what about that word????  You know....

The "L" word.

To love someone is amazing yes, but you also risk getting your heart broken.

Who in the hell wants to go through that?

in my case....again.

You have to show your faults and needs and desires and life with someone to love them.  It's scary and it's hard.

It can also be beautiful.

It all depends on how much of a gamble you are willing to take.

Sex is such a small part of a relationship.

But it's the easy part.