Mom's Ring

I have weird dreams from time to time.  I guess it is just because I have a weird mind.

I dreamt the other night about my mom's wedding ring.  I can't remember the whole context of the dream, only the fact that I couldn't find it.

This caused me to panic the next morning.

It had been months since I last seen it.  I used to wear it on my diamond necklace since it was too small to wear on my hand.  I also never want anything to happen to it.

It is a small ring with a heart shaped diamond.  I love how simple it is and what it means.

When my mom and step dad got married, I thought it was the most meaningful thing representing their relationship.

Anyway....

The ring reminds me of her.

I know I have written in the past that my mom was extremely narcissistic, causing issues in my own relationships and yadda yadda.

From what I have read so far on the whole dynamic of daughters of narcissistic mothers, the daughters tend to hold such anger towards their mothers.

I must be different.

Understanding what may cause the narcissist to become what they are, helps me forgive anything that may have happened.

I can never hold anger.  It isn't healthy.

Everything that has happened in the past has caused me to become the person I am today.

I love my mom regardless.

I love having her ring.

A symbol of love....

Bad Teeth

As I sit here, my numbing is wearing off.  I can feel it start to throb.  I have tears.  I've been in pain for quite some time.  I never say anything about it since I am embarrassed.

I have a huge fear of the dentist.  It has been this way for many years stemming back to childhood.

The pain got to me and I saw a new dentist today in hopes to have the pain relieved. My coworkers highly recommended him.

I sat in the chair and started to shake.  My fear was overwhelming.  He was so good about me being a baby and understood that there are people like me who have had such bad experiences.

I get numbed up and had xrays.  He examined my teeth.  I braced myself.

Bad news.....it isn't an easy fix.

I waited too long and not just one tooth is the root of the problem but four.

And.....they have to come out.

I started to cry.

He quickly reassured me that an oral surgeon can knock me out and remove them and then we can get implants.

I sat there with worry.

How in the hell am I going to pay for it?

Who is going to drive me to surgery?

Are the implants going to hurt?

To top it off, I couldn't have anything done today except start antibiotics as one tooth is ugly infected.  The other three are badly broken.

So penicillin and Oxycontin it is until I can get to the oral surgeon. 

ugh.....

This totally sucks.

Third Anniversary

Funny how we can remember the small details in a life changing moment.

Tomorrow is the third anniversary of my mother's death.

We knew it was coming but didn't expect it so soon.

I called her in the hospital that morning from work.  I never did this.  There was just that pull to do it and she said that she was being transferred to a larger hospital.  I asked if I should come.  Her responses was, "Jesus Christ, no."  I knew she was going to be fine and would call her again once she settled in at Marquette.  I told her I loved her and she said she loved me.

Not more than four hours later, she was gone.

I was having lunch with my co-workers.  It was my going away lunch as I was leaving to go onto new things.

My sister called me as we were leaving the restaurant.

Mom was gone.

I let out a cry and felt everyone look at me.  I didn't care.

My mom was gone.

As much as that woman drove me bat shit crazy.  I loved her.

I still love her.

I carry her with me always.

There are days where I wish that there was more time.  There are times when I wish I could have been there when she left.

I am so thankful that I made that call the morning.  

She left knowing I loved her.  She left with me knowing she loved me.

(The photo is me and mom on my 26th birthday.  She always bought me glittery sweaters.  I hated it but I wore it because I love her.)