You know....I loved you once.
Once upon a time long ago. Back when I trusted everything you said.
I believed that you had loved me too. I loved you deeply and completely. I opened myself up to you. I never loved anyone else as much as I did you. Honestly, I didn't see myself with any other man, ever. I looked forward to a future with you.
You were my one and only.
Then you left.
Not just once, but twice.
Broken heart each fucking time.
I used to be a very forgiving person. I used to trust too. I used to be a lot of things.
Lots of past tense words, eh?
I am not that person any more.
You text me now. You say you miss "talking" to me.
Texting isn't talking.
The fact is, I don't miss you. I don't miss your sweet words. I don't miss your fine talk. I don't miss our private little jokes. I don't miss any more of your sugar coated bull shit.
I deserve much better.
At first I couldn't figure out why, after all these years, did you choose to miss me all of a sudden. I was baffled as to why you would poke at my heart again with an email.
Then it dawned on me and I did some digging.
I think you forgot how cleverly, smart I am.
I see that she's divorcing you.
I've been staring at this blank page for awhile.
I want to write. (I need to write.) Words just escape me.
I guess I will just type and hope that it makes sense.
Things aren't right with me. They haven't been for some time. I know something is up but can't put my finger quite on it.
I tend to blame my depression. (That dirty bastard) But it isn't just the depression.
Stress had been a big cause.
I have a lot of it and it has been hard to deal with.
Being single and not having anyone to take some of the burden away doesn't help.
Being single and being a mom doesn't help.
Being a good worker and trying to be perfect doesn't help.
All of the burdens fall on my shoulders. My back is getting that huge fist like knot in the upper middle and my head aches all of the time. The brain doesn't shut up. Sleeping pills aren't working. My health is deteriorating. My eye even exploded the other day. (Sounds more dramatic than it really was but the blood vessels in my eye popped)
My doctor doesn't like the fact that my blood pressure is super high and has been for quite some time. And she tells me to make dietary changes, lose some more weight (duh) and relax.
RELAX!!!!!
(hahahahahaha....excuse me while I wipe a tear)
How in the hell am I supposed to relax?
She suggested yoga.....in my spare time.......
yup, that's going to work well
I wish I could afford a vacation.
I go in on Tuesday to find out just how serious the stress has damaged my body. I worry about that now.
I get several tips like:
Take a bath (I loathe baths....LOATHE them)
Take a walk (I limp like a gimpy bastard and it hurts)
Take a nap (Hello, sleeping pills don't help me sleep)
Pet the cat (He's a grumpy mother f**ker)
Paint or color (pft...I painted to whole damn kitchen.....twice)
Go for a ride (um, gas ain't 99 cents anymore)
Yeah yeah....I'm full of excuses.
But seriously, all of the above and even some tips I haven't even mentioned are only temporary distractions from the more serious stresses.
These stresses seem so colossal that they will never fully subside.
I can only keep hoping that something gives and I find some relief from everything that is worrisome. I also hope to find a way to get some zen.
(sorry about the long babble...sometimes just writing helps)
