So many blows to my psyche lately have been breaking the barrier into my mind and heart. I have been feeling such a deep sadness and don't know when I will be able to pull out of it.
Changes have a lot to do with messing with my head space.
I've moved so I am trying to get my living space just right to where I can allow myself to decompress. Right now, it just chaos and boxes. I can't really put things in their place until the house speaks to me. I do have my bedroom clear of clutter and everything is put away but my other spaces need some work. I realize that takes time but this is a small part of what is causing me stress.
I have kind of a new role at work so when I go in, I am not sure what the plan of attack will be for any given day. I also have continuous interruptions due to training others and that is wearing on me. I will power through it and eventually my work place will be fine but for now, it gives my mind gremlins another break in the wall.
I also was in a brief relationship. I had a glimpse of what it means to have someone care for me in a way that I deserved to be treated. It ended abruptly with really no one at fault. I am angry with God for giving me something so wonderful and then yanking it away.
I find myself pulled in many directions and have a full plate. I need to step back from spreading myself too thin and do something for me.
So with everything going on, the mind gremlins have been lying to me again. The distractions and the chaos allows them to go in and whisper in my ear. They tell me things.
I feel that I am not strong enough to handle the lies. I start to believe them. My self worth starts to crumble and I feel unloved and cornered. I have no inner peace. I look in the mirror and see my tired, sad eyes and believe that I am ugly and not worthy of this life.
Mind gremlins....
I've been dealing with them for so many years.
I know that this will pass and that I have to push through the feelings.
They lie. I know they lie.
But still I find myself believing them.
As I type this, I hear them whisper the lies.
Fat, ugly, stupid, unlovable, crazy, not good enough, and so on...
I know they're lies but at the same time, I believe them.
When I write about how I am feeling. It helps a little. To get it out and to digest it. It allows me to step back and validate how I feel and work through it.
I know this feeling will pass with each day as I adjust to my new normal.
It just takes time to evict the mind gremlins.
