It feels like a big old bowling ball on top of my chest.
I guess I've been through a lot in the last year or so.
My break-up still affects me. I carry around that hurt and can't seem to quite let it go. I can't put my finger on what triggers it. I am afraid to meet men or date anyone. It isn't because I am afraid that they will pull the same crap on me. I think his words "I just don't love you" hang on to tight. I can't seem to shake that "unlovable" feeling. It is that image in the mirror that stares back at me, that unlovable person that I see.
I need to work on that.
When we first learned that mom was sick, I understood how bad it was from the beginning. The doctor said that there was a mass on her lung and that it didn't look good, I didn't need more tests to understand that she wasn't going to get better. Five months later she was gone. I haven't really cried or grieved her death. I don't understand why I haven't done it. I can't make myself do it either. It doesn't work that way.
I do miss her though. I miss not having her to talk to. I can't believe I miss having her tell me what to do. Big things have happened for me and she just isn't here to tell. Telling other people isn't the same either. I don't know if it just because I am the oldest child and she talked to me more. (I don't know what kinds of relationships she had with my brother and sister.)
I just know I miss her.
In between the break-up and my mom's passing I had something happen with my former employer. It seemed pretty shitty to me. I tried holding myself together during the tough times and I tried not to be a horrible employee but when a co-worker does something shitty behind your back while you are going through something shitty, everything just becomes shitty. And then HR gets involved.....I am still a little angry about it.
I did something about it and I now work some where else. :-)
I still don't know how to deal with the bowling ball of hurt. I keep wondering when I will be happy again. I wonder when that switch will flip on.
