My mom passed away two months ago today.
I don't write about it much or how I feel about it because once I do, I can't stop crying. (like now)
It has been a hard two months without her to talk to. I can't just call her up because I feel like it. I can't tell her how I like my new job or that I am thinking about buying a house. I can't tell her that I finally but my hair off. I can't tell her that she has a new grandpiggy.
It upsets me.
Lung cancer took her.
I get angry over that too. She could have stopped smoking. She could have taken better care of herself.
She won't be there for her grandkids' graduations or weddings.
This weekend we have to go through her things. That upsets me too. It feels like I am picking off a scab of a deep wound.
Ugh...
People say that she is around and can see what's going on but it isn't the same.
She isn't suffering anymore but those of us left behind are.
I've reread some of my old blog entries. I pulled several off of my blog and tucked them away in a safe place. I was told once that they made certain people uncomfortable.
Well, hell, ,depression IS uncomfortable. It is an icky, awful, mood altering, horrible, alone kind of feeling. You feel it envelope you like a greasy skin weighing you down so much so you feel like you will never ever stand up again. You lie when you are asked if you are ok. You fake a smile or a laugh when inside you are crumbling. You feel unlovable, broken in some way. You think that everyone who sees you, sees your ugly side.
Doctors can give you pills, therapists can give you advice, but it still lurks and awaits your weak moment and then.....
BLAM!
it hits you.
So yeah, it is uncomfortable.
duh...
I was told once (during my ickiest feelings) that someone came across my blog and was made to feel uncomfortable by some of my writing. I was upset and pulled them all. I probably shouldn't have. I don't mind sharing my feelings and thoughts. I am sure that there are hundreds if not thousands out here just like me.
So I was thinking about that moment where I was told about making someone uncomfortable. Then I went to my blog stash and reread my feelings and thoughts that I wrote at the moment of feeling them. I also remember how it felt to write it down and do a mind dump. It can be therapeutic. It can also let someone else know that they aren't alone in this feeling.
So if you just read all of this and feel uncomfortable.....
just imagine how I feel.
He comes into my dreams, uninvited.
Sometimes I find myself yelling at him. Sometimes I am crying. Sometimes we are back to where we were before everything turned wrong. Sometimes he is just there.
He haunts me still.
A year after.
He still has control and I cannot make him leave.
He is sleeping with my friends. He is telling me that he doesn't love me, over and over again.
How does this happen?
How does he still exist in my mind when he chose to leave a year ago? How does he continue to torment me? How does he manage to turn my thoughts into him? How does he control me from within?
I cannot control my dreams and maybe he knows this.
Perhaps my pain still lingers.
Unending.
I've been in Ninja Insurance Warrior Boot Camp for most of the week. I am training to be a Ninja Insurance Warrior. I need to complete this in order to get my super ability to indemnify people.
I am dead serious.
I have actually written several blog entries but haven't been able to post them. I wrote mostly about my feelings about my mom's death. It has been incredibly hard to write about since my emotions are all over the board and my writing reflect it.
I talked with my step dad tonight and he said that he has been yelling at my mom for leaving him. I can relate. I have wanted to yell many times at her. She left us too soon and she is mostly to blame for being stubborn and careless with her health. It makes me angry that she isn't around any more and will miss out on so many things.
Yeah, I know you might be thinking that she will be around anyway but to us living people it isn't the same as having her participate without popping up in a ghostly fashion.
Back to my training.
A couple of months ago I decided to make some changes. I needed to leave the profession I was in. I wasn't satisfied and I wasn't too happy about co-workers causing drama. I was stressed about mom being sick. Something had to give, so I left my job and took one at an insurance agency. I will be a licensed professional.
I went from working in a highly corporate (world headquarters) environment in which I had to watch what I said and did to working in a very relaxed environment with two people. It has been pretty darn cool and my stress level is way down. My stress cough is pretty much gone.
yay!
I knew I wasn't happy so I did something about it.
Even though change completely terrifies me, I did it.
yay again!
Courage comes from within.
