Cancer

I normally write a post in Word first, read it and reread it, edit it, spell check it, hem and haw over posting it and then post it.

This is not the case today.  I am just winging it.

Sometimes I just need to do a mind dump and write.

My world has taken on a new perspective lately.  I am learning about different parts of the human anatomy and how radiation works and what chemo does to the cells and there have been discussions about how to have a funeral.

It has been an interesting 6 weeks.

My mom has cancer.

and....it isn't good.

Not like there is a good cancer.  The word cancer is horrible.  It means suffering, sadness, pain, anger, struggle, and a whole bunch of other things that race through my mind.

I knew it wasn't going to be good when mom was admitted to the hospital back in August.  I mean the world's most stubborn person on the planet who hasn't seen a doctor in God knows how long can't be expected to just have a common ailment.  Even I know reality when I see it.

It has been hard.

I live about 5 hours away.  I often wonder how she holds up during treatment or doctor appointments when they say "it is in your bones" or "we need to start treatment or you won't see November". I wish I could just be there to help take her to appointments or to the store or just talk to her face to face.  

It hasn't been too much of a secret that I have unresolved issues with my mother.  I am pretty much sure that these issues will never be resolved.  I've excepted that.

Just because there are issues, doesn't mean I don't care or love her.

I guess in a way, it makes things worse.

I'll just deal with it.

Pringle Economics

I wrote a whole entry and it made me cry so I just saved it in my documents for another time.

I'm going through a rough time lately.

This isn't good when you suffer from depression.

Nope, not good at all.

And to make it worse, I just can't mope on the couch all day and just be depressed.  Oh no, I have to go out into the world and fake it.  Not fake depression, I mean fake not being depressed.  (you knew what I meant, right?)

Money is an issue right now.  I have a job, a good job but the paycheck doesn't go as far as it used to.  I am even spending less.  I am blaming the president (or the government).  I wasn't this broke four years ago.  

Think about it for a minute...and you democrats who think I am bashing him because he is a democrat, you are wrong.  I would bash anyone who doesn't help my paycheck go as far as it used to.

Four years ago a can of Pringles was about 99 cents.  Today they are almost 2 bucks.  

I'll give you a second to digest that.....

Who can afford Pringles these days?

Ok, now how about gas?

Or how about toilet paper?

Try an orange.....

Get my drift?

It sucks.

You know I make $500 too much a month to qualify for any sort of assistance?

I have to creatively budget my money for 6 months for me to even get my hair done while people who don't work can afford to not only get their hair done but also their nails, toes and their upper lip waxed.

I am working and not getting anywhere.  I almost want to quit my job and go back to Walmart so I make the minimum to qualify for state aid on shit.

Seriously.

Where are the programs to help single parents who are working to provide a good home, food and clothes for their kids?

It just pisses me off.

and upsets me....

a lot.