Inside My Hurt Locker

"You eat too much."

There's a statement, huh?

Funny how such simple words can cut deep and scar long.  

I heard the words a few days ago.  In fact, my own dad said them to me.  

I still have tears just typing them.

I was excited and was looking so forward to his visit. I don't see family much and I've been working long, crazy hours.  

The visit didn't go as I had hoped or expected.

It was almost as if I was back in my childhood. A very unhappy time with two parents who fought often and harshly.  Sometimes their anger towards each other spilled over onto us kids.  In fact, I often think of my childhood as being inside of my own hurt locker.  

I grew into an adult who craves to be loved and cared for.  I grew into an adult who's unable to make a decision because she was never given the confidence.  I grew into an adult who looks in the mirror and sees her long hair making her face look fat.

I know as a reader you might be thinking that my parents were horrible people but they really weren't. Looking back, I can understand their adult lives and emotions.  Perhaps they parented the best they could.  But even with understanding, it doesn't keep my child-self from hurting.

I do catch myself wishing that I had a different childhood.  One where parents hug you and tell you that they are proud of you.  One where mom and dad hug each other and speak to each other in normal tones.  

Perhaps my dad didn't mean his words to be as hurtful as they were received.  

As a parent, I don't ever say anything to my kids that cause them to second guess who they are.  I tell them that they can choose to do or be anything that they want to be.  I never make them feel stupid for trying to help with a project.

I hope my children never have to feel like they have a hurt locker.  

Sometimes You Need to Sit in Silence

Sometimes you need to sit in silence to hear your own voice.

That above has been rolling in my head all day.  I felt that I had to have a quiet day today.  I called in to work and just spent a quiet day.  I just had to.

I have never kept my depression a secret.  I have written about it.  I have talked about it.

This morning I felt like I was just teetering on the edge of an episode. By episode, I mean when I fall into a depressive spiral.  I have had too much chaos the last few weeks and I just needed to have a day to reel back.

I hope that makes sense.

I feel guilty about calling in but at the same time, I feel proud of recognizing the triggers and dealing with it before it gets out of hand.  I hate the depressive feelings and I try to avoid it at all costs.

Sometimes it isn't that easy and I fall of the ledge anyway.

But....

Today I avoided it.

People always wonder how I can be depressed when I have the ability to crack jokes or poke fun at things.  To be honest, most comics or funny people suffer from depression.  We tend to hide it well.

We wear masks and cover it with humor.

Then there are people with say "just be happy" or "get over it".  These people tend to piss me off as they have no freaking idea what it is like to suffer from depression.  

Anyway, I am getting off track.

Today I avoided it and tomorrow is another day.

It Has Been Awhile

I am still here...barely.

It has been a super crazy few weeks since my last post.

I bought the house that I moved out of ten years ago.  Moving back in what quite a chore.  Painting, cleaning and more painting and more cleaning.  Had a few issues with a sump pump and a smelly basement.  Ya know, boring stuff.

Work has been absolutely nuts.  My sales have increased tremendously which means more work.

We got a puppy.

and I need a vacation.

Sometimes I Feel Like I Need to Apologize to My Kid

I don't know how well this is going to come across in writing since it is over 2:30 in the freaking morning.  I don't have insomnia like I have in the past.  I just have a head full of anger.

My son has been going through some crap lately.  Not just a little crap but a whole big shit ton of crap.

I feel so helpless.

I know how he feels and no matter what someone says or does, it won't make anything better.

I totally get that.

The one thing that really burns my toast is that his father is totally unconnected.  It is almost like since my kid was born, he has not been anything to his own father.

I know he reached out and mention to his dad the things that have been happening to him and didn't really get a reply.

The father has absolutely no idea what his kid is dealing with.

My son told me that he feels like he doesn't mean anything to his dad unless it involves money.

My heart sank.

This man has no idea what a wonderful kid he is ignoring.  He has no freaking idea how much his kid needs a father figure for advice or even as a sounding board.

I hate the fact that this man seems to be such an awesome dad to his other kids but doesn't even give a rats ass about his oldest.

I wish I could tell him how I feel but I don't think it will do a damn bit of good.  It never did any good for my son's first 20 years.  Even if I did tell him, he would some how turn it all into my fault anyway.

I hate this man.

It is such a sad situation and I feel like I need to apologize to my son for giving him such an asshole for a father.

Sometimes I Think I am Losing my Shit

Yeah, I know the title has a swear word in it. (sorry dad)

As I have written about in the past, I have depression.  I've had it for as long as I can remember.  I've dealt with it.  I deal with it.  I most likely will continue to deal with it.

I write about it because it helps.

Lately I feel like I am going to just lose my shit and explode.

So much flies at me that it is like extreme dodge ball but not with balls.  I want to say almost like the old fashioned pointy jarts.  If you don't know what those are, go ahead and google it, I'll wait.

It is almost 3:30 in the morning and I obviously am not sleeping.  I am supposed to get up to go to work in about two hours.  That won't be happening.  I am going to take a personal day to try to get my shit together.

When I say that I am about to lose my shit, I mean that I have so much on my mind that if one more thing comes at me, I think I may just about run around the apartment screaming "uncle".

Some stuff is good, like my job and about a deal I have in the works about a bigger place to live.  Some stuff is bad, like my older kid having health issues and my weekly dental visits.

Then I can add in the fact that I am extremely upset with my step father and never mention it to anyone because I am not sure how to even explain how I feel or how anyone would take my feelings.  I am afraid to even mention it to him since he called me a few days ago (it had been about 6 months before that) and he had me on speaker phone with his "girlfriend".  It just makes me so uncomfortable and angry.

Whatever....

I also feel like the walls of this apartment are closing in on me.  I can't seem to breathe.  I look around and feel pathetic.  I hate the neighbors and I don't even know them.  The parking lot pisses me off every time I trip on the broken asphalt.  The hallway stinks of cigarettes and old dogs.  My doorbell is broken and the fridge makes this horrible clunking noise. The landlord fails to address any of the issues.

I miss my mom.

My daughter is being confirmed next month and the ex wants to do a party.  I am not to sure how to feel.  We always have got along well but his family is another story.  The thought of facing my two ex-sisters in law from hell gives me anxiety.  I'll will do it and be nice because that's who I am and I will never ever let on that they just wig me out.

Sometimes I wish I had a girlfriend to have wine with so I can talk to someone.  I often wish my long time friends weren't so far away.  I miss them terribly.

So, here I am typing away.  I have a weird form of ADD too so I flip back and forth between tabs.  I have puppies on one, sofas on another and google images on a third.  

I tried to read my book a little but the mind is strong tonight and just wants to keep churning.

I Don't Always Have Strength

Despite the pain killer and the sleeping pills, I have insomnia.

I used to have insomnia all the time.  It has been more rare over the last few years however it has reared it's ugly head for the last two nights.

I have been working pretty hard; long hours on my feet, weird shifts, and overnights.

Yesterday morning I came home from work and while I was changing out of my stinky clothes I noticed that my left big toe was ugly...well, uglier than usual.

It was painful to touch it and it was an angry red.  The toenail appeared to be green underneath.  I knew it was bad and probably should be looked at by a doctor.

I went to sleep for a few hours.  I got up to pick up my daughter from school and we took my toe to the walk in clinic.

The toe was infected and the nail had to be removed.  It was gross and painful and gained a huge bandage the size of a light bulb.  I was given prescriptions, instructions, gauze, wrap, crutches and a note to miss work for the next day.

But this whole toe thing isn't what this entry is about.

I have a friend who tells me that she admires my strength.  I've been through some pretty tough times and haven't lost my mind completely.

But lately I don't feel very strong.

I have been crying off and on.  I don't sleep.  I don't feel like eating.

The depression is coming to surface again.

When I do sleep, I dream of my mom.  

I miss her when I am hurting....physically and mentally.  Well, I miss her all the time but more so when things turn shitty.

She used to come and stay with me some times and I used to go to see her when I needed a break from things.

My toe triggered this feeling again.  Even though there are so many other things draining me at the moment, it is like the weight that broke the camel's back.

It seems as if I have no one to talk to about my feelings lately.  I feel kind of lost and I wish something would just give a little.

  

*sigh*

Is This Lazy?

I often joke about being lazy.  Even though I'm really not that lazy.

This photo was posted on Facebook earlier today and many stated that the container is a waste and creating labels is a waste.  Many were quick to judge others in calling out lazy people who have the time to text or be on their phone but don't have time to peel an orange.

My response is "What about those who are handicapped or have horrible arthritis?"

I think of my great grandmother whose fingers were so badly curled and painful due to arthritis.  She couldn't even hold a fork let alone peel an orange.

I think of my dad whose one hand is so unusable, he can barely cut his meat.

I think of veterans who lost limbs.

I think of those who just can't do anything with their hands.

I guess I think like that due to not having use of my legs for several months.  I had to depend on someone to help me with every day tasks like going to the bathroom, showering, getting dressed, you know....things that you just don't have to think about doing.

I also have a strong sense of empathy for others.

I am so angry at those who quickly judge and accuse those of being lazy....too lazy to peel an orange.

Have you ever thought that maybe someday you may not be able to do even the simplest of things?

Someone said that even her two year old can peel an orange.  Ok, but I am sure that her two year old wears diapers or maybe even drinks from juice boxes.  I am sure that you are the perfect, model citizen conscious of such environmental matters and that you are the most non-lazy person on the planet.

Someone even blamed Walmart.  Walmart doesn't even sell pre-peeled oranges.  I should know, I manage the produce department.

People make their own choices.  If they chose a pre-peeled orange, it is still better than a bag of chips or cookies. 

Perhaps those who claim that it is wasteful even drink bottled water or even have a soda from time to time.

People who even have all the time in the world take short cuts from time to time.  Maybe even use beef stock in a can to start your soup "from scratch".

I get so angry over judgmental people these days.

If you think so closed minded maybe you should keep your mouth closed as well.

What's a Vacation?

It seems like forever since I have had some sort of significant vacation.

I don't think I have ever had one where I completely unwound from life's little stresses.

It may very well be a long long time before I even get a vacation.

Things just have been building up and they never ever really get resolved or any sort of relief.

I love my job but it does have its stressful moments.  I often consider taking my "damn it" doll with me in the morning.  It is this cloth doll that is ugly and you are supposed to choke it or hit someone with it when you are irritated.  Someday Damn It will have his very own blog entry.

I love my kids but as anyone knows, who has kids, that they can be little bundles of stress themselves.  Just today my daughter comes home from Ash Wednesday services with her dad just ranting and yelling about how she is never going to church again....ever.  She lit into me because I was trying to make an Oreo Torte and I have no idea why that had any connection with church, but um....ok.

Seriously....its an Oreo Torte.  Back off, crab ass. 

I love my guinea pigs but the new pig is a total shit head.  He is young and doesn't understand the house rules yet.  The new pig is still trying to make himself known and chatters a lot and runs around the pen, making a racket.  The older pig has about enough of the new pig.  I think I even saw him eyeball my damn it doll to whack the noobie.

I don't love where I live but hey, its a roof over my head and the rent is cheap.  But the damn neighbors are pissing me off.  The downstairs asshole screamed and swore at me for parking in "his" space.  Um....we don't have assigned spaces. The neighbors next door play this funny game called "Let's See Who Can Yell the Loudest".  If they keep it up, they will learn that the winner will be me.

Oh and I can't forget about my daily dose of pain with my teeth.  I need to have oral surgery to have four removed, prepped for implants, and some serious fixing done.  This doesn't come cheap even with insurance.  To get started, I need to have $1500 up front.  So this means that I have to wait to have any sort of relief from the pain.  My diet consists of ibuprofen,Tylenol, Vicodin, penicillin, mashed potatoes, pudding and occasional cottage cheese.

I think I just need a break.

Oy!

Mom's Ring

I have weird dreams from time to time.  I guess it is just because I have a weird mind.

I dreamt the other night about my mom's wedding ring.  I can't remember the whole context of the dream, only the fact that I couldn't find it.

This caused me to panic the next morning.

It had been months since I last seen it.  I used to wear it on my diamond necklace since it was too small to wear on my hand.  I also never want anything to happen to it.

It is a small ring with a heart shaped diamond.  I love how simple it is and what it means.

When my mom and step dad got married, I thought it was the most meaningful thing representing their relationship.

Anyway....

The ring reminds me of her.

I know I have written in the past that my mom was extremely narcissistic, causing issues in my own relationships and yadda yadda.

From what I have read so far on the whole dynamic of daughters of narcissistic mothers, the daughters tend to hold such anger towards their mothers.

I must be different.

Understanding what may cause the narcissist to become what they are, helps me forgive anything that may have happened.

I can never hold anger.  It isn't healthy.

Everything that has happened in the past has caused me to become the person I am today.

I love my mom regardless.

I love having her ring.

A symbol of love....

Bad Teeth

As I sit here, my numbing is wearing off.  I can feel it start to throb.  I have tears.  I've been in pain for quite some time.  I never say anything about it since I am embarrassed.

I have a huge fear of the dentist.  It has been this way for many years stemming back to childhood.

The pain got to me and I saw a new dentist today in hopes to have the pain relieved. My coworkers highly recommended him.

I sat in the chair and started to shake.  My fear was overwhelming.  He was so good about me being a baby and understood that there are people like me who have had such bad experiences.

I get numbed up and had xrays.  He examined my teeth.  I braced myself.

Bad news.....it isn't an easy fix.

I waited too long and not just one tooth is the root of the problem but four.

And.....they have to come out.

I started to cry.

He quickly reassured me that an oral surgeon can knock me out and remove them and then we can get implants.

I sat there with worry.

How in the hell am I going to pay for it?

Who is going to drive me to surgery?

Are the implants going to hurt?

To top it off, I couldn't have anything done today except start antibiotics as one tooth is ugly infected.  The other three are badly broken.

So penicillin and Oxycontin it is until I can get to the oral surgeon. 

ugh.....

This totally sucks.

Third Anniversary

Funny how we can remember the small details in a life changing moment.

Tomorrow is the third anniversary of my mother's death.

We knew it was coming but didn't expect it so soon.

I called her in the hospital that morning from work.  I never did this.  There was just that pull to do it and she said that she was being transferred to a larger hospital.  I asked if I should come.  Her responses was, "Jesus Christ, no."  I knew she was going to be fine and would call her again once she settled in at Marquette.  I told her I loved her and she said she loved me.

Not more than four hours later, she was gone.

I was having lunch with my co-workers.  It was my going away lunch as I was leaving to go onto new things.

My sister called me as we were leaving the restaurant.

Mom was gone.

I let out a cry and felt everyone look at me.  I didn't care.

My mom was gone.

As much as that woman drove me bat shit crazy.  I loved her.

I still love her.

I carry her with me always.

There are days where I wish that there was more time.  There are times when I wish I could have been there when she left.

I am so thankful that I made that call the morning.  

She left knowing I loved her.  She left with me knowing she loved me.

(The photo is me and mom on my 26th birthday.  She always bought me glittery sweaters.  I hated it but I wore it because I love her.)