Aftermath

It has been a few days since I had my horrible episode of depression.  I wrote about it here: The Face of Depression

Since writing that entry, I have received several messages from people I didn't expect.  It was nice to hear that I am not alone and that I am truly cared for.  

I didn't write it for attention or for any sincere comments.  I wrote it for others to understand that they do not suffer alone.  I wrote it for those who thought what they were feeling was unusual or weird.  I also wrote it for those who do not understand what it is like to suffer with depression.

I received a call from someone close to me.  They thought that I shouldn't have written it and/or shared it with anyone.  

This was upsetting.

It took some courage to express what I was feeling.  It also helped me out of the black hole.

If what I write saves one person from jumping off the cliff, then I think that it was the right thing to do.

I am feeling a little better as of this writing.  It takes time to heal.

I did call my doctor.  These feelings of self harm have been strong.  We have come to the conclusion that because of being taken off my birth control, it has caused some serious hormonal imbalances.  

The last episode of insanity happened about this same time last month.

No joke.

I damn near lost someone who means the world to me just because my brain decided to malfunction and my voice of reason took a vacation.

I didn't write about it.  I didn't talk about it.  But it happened.  

I am thankful for their understanding and forgiveness.  A true friend is a very valuable treasure.

My doctor and I have decided to monitor my imbalance with no change in medication.  If we don't allow the hormones to find a way to chill on their own, we may need to address it again.

For now, I have a support system in place.  My system includes carrying the suicide hotline number with me at all times.

For now, I have survived another battle but still continue to fight the war.

Suicide Prevention Hotline

800-273-8255

The Face of Depression

My face is the face of depression.

Tonight it is at an all time maximum.  I don't know how to ask for help.  I do not know how to control it.

It consumes me.

Just when I think I'll be ok, I have sunk even lower before.

I stood in the bathroom for some time trying so hard to compose myself.  I was fighting the urge to cut my wrists.  I caught the pill bottle out of the corner of my eye, held it in my hand for a moment.  I opened the lid and dumped the contents in my hand.  The pills felt like pebbles as I stood there crying.  For one brief moment I considered popping them in my mouth but I dropped them into the toilet and flushed.

I cried harder.

How do I ask for help?  At this hour?  Who do I call?  Where do I turn?

I feel so alone in this.

I came back to bed and decided to write.  Writing seems to help.  I hesitated because I am sure there will be someone out there reading this who will think that this is all for attention.  

If it is you, you can kiss my ass.

My face is a face of depression.  There are many more like mine out there.  

We are not alone.  There are millions of faces just like mine.

We can be good liars.  We will tell you we are ok when we are breaking inside.  We will tell you we are fine when we are certainly not.  We will smile, joke, laugh; hell, some of us are downright funny.  But we are dying inside.

We mostly suffer in silence.

We believe that we are unlovable.  We believe we are overweight, ugly and damned.  We believe that we aren't worthy of being happy.  We believe that we will be rejected by anyone we reach out to.

Why would someone love us, we are just a hideous mess?

Depression isn't something we can just "get over".  We just can't take a walk or soak up some sun.  It doesn't work that way.

It is so difficult to explain how depression feels.  It is way more complicated that just being sad.  It is more than just crying.  It is more than just feeling empty and numb.

Depression is a liar.  I know this and I am sure that others like me know it as well.  Sometimes the lies become our believable truth.

Tonight was a small victory, the pills were flushed.  There are many others out there who lost their battle.  It saddens me that we do suffer alone when there are so many of us.

My face is a face of depression.

Above photo was taken right after I flushed the pills.

Suicide Prevention Hotline

800-273-8255

I'm Tired

I'm tired.  Not just a sleepy kind of tired.

I'm tired of feeling lost and disconnected.  I try to find some sort of direction but often find myself in circles.

I'm tired of living this mundane life with the same day over and over again.  I keep thinking that it will change but it never ever does.

I'm tired of being alone and feeling lonely.  I have so much to give but there seems to be no one who wants to receive.  There isn't anyone to talk to and it seems that my dog is the only one happy to see me at the end of the day.

I'm tired of the struggle of being on my own.  I have no one to to share the heavy load of running a home.  

I'm tired of fighting depression.  Every day seems to big a huge struggle to get out of bed and put on a fake face that hides the demons that haunt me.

I'm tired of giving it my all only to be shot down time after time.  My accomplishments are never recognized and the only time I hear anything is when I am failing.

I'm tired of crying.

I'm tired of feeling like I want to curl up into a tight ball hoping that I just disappear.

I'm tired of trying to be strong.  The knot between my shoulders grows tighter every single day.

I'm tired of just being me.  Sometimes the thought creeps in. the very thought of ending everything.

I'm tired of being afraid to reach out for help.  Help can be expensive.  Have you ever had to pay for therapy?

I'm tired of shit just going all kinds of wrong.

I'm just so tired.

Late Night Ramblings

I caught myself thinking of a quote that was said about me years ago.  This quote was said on a forum that I once belonged to by someone I never expected it from.

Most of the time I don't see myself as anyone special.  I don't think of myself as having some "gift" that exudes a sort of outward beauty towards others.

There are times where I feel like I am the most ugly person on the planet.  I also do not think I am worthy of such a quote that was said so long ago.

Someone who used the name "webgirrly" was describing me to others.  She wrote something that I have held on to forever.  It has been buried in my draft emails.

"Julie will make you fall in love with her at the most inopportune of times.  Stick with the urging, though, and you will find a place to accommodate it."

She didn't want to like me.  I think there were times that I annoyed the hell out of her.  But in the end, she loved me.

I have no idea why I had been thinking of what she had said about me.

Maybe because some how my self esteem just needed a boost.

I struggle constantly with trying to find my purpose and also why I am alone.

Many times I am asked why I am still single.

How in the hell would I know?

Maybe in this crazy world of interwebs and social networking we are afraid to allow ourselves to love or fall in love.

I wish I had answers to the question.

It is too bad that we are afraid to love one another.

Love should be shouted.  Love should be felt.  Love should not be pushed aside.

And yet, we fail at loving one another.

I sometimes wish I could tell someone that I love them.

I have no idea where I was going with this entry.  I think that remembering what was said about me just stirred up some feelings.

Perhaps I am just rambling.