I ain't getting any younger.
Well that and the fact that I have some health issues that need managing.
It was a much longer appointment that I figured on. I was impressed that she took the time to get to know me and my health history.
When it came time to talk about how I manage my depression, I got a little anxious. Even though I have battled depression for a very long time, it sometimes isn't easy to talk about without my eyes leaking a little.
To accept the causes is a little painful and then to openly talk about them is almost traumatic.
When I had to tell her about the time that I had contemplated suicide it was a little painful. It is harder for me to talk about it because it is hard to hide the emotion when you are face to face. When I write about it, you can't see the tears stream down my face or my lip quiver.
I have come a long way in my healing from the past trauma. The years of mental abuse, self sabotage, feelings of being unlovable, failure, sexual assault, and various other bits and pieces of hell had taken its toll and all came to a head.
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The best healing I have done was just by moving home. Its a place where I have felt safe and secure. Being with people who have known me for a very long time has helped me reconnect with myself before it all went south.
The doctor asked me if I still felt suicidal. I explained that I never really was suicidal. It was that one moment of irrational thinking that could have been the end but instead of cutting or taking pills, I decided to stop and just write.
And that helped a little
The other part was to accept my traumas and not let them mold me. I own them and keep them in a part of me. I have built on the fact that they did not break me.
I also learned to accept who I am. I don't hide my true self from anyone. I own that part of me too. My true self is someone who surprises me. I don't have much of a filter these days. I say what I think and am honest with those around me. I am also honest with myself.
I no longer accept anything less than I deserve. I deserve to be happy.
When things go wrong, I no longer blame myself.
Rejection no longer cripples me. If I ain't your cup of tea, I can't sweeten it with my sugar. My life goes on.
I recognize my triggers. I steer clear of them or I don't allow them to control me, I control them.
My boundaries are set. As I see myself in fullness, it is easier to see others in the same way.
I also try to communicate well. If I need clarity, I ask questions. If the answers are honest and open, I accept them and take them to heart. Sometimes the answers aren't always what I hope to hear, but it does give some peace to know how the other person feels.
I am still not 100% but I can say that the depression episodes are very far and few between now. I do laugh more and I feel happier. I see it on my face and in my heart.
I am thankful for those who are a part of my life and accept my quirks and never ask for anything more than I am capable of giving of myself. I am truly blessed by the friendships that I continue to have and I love everyone of them wholly and completely.
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