What Do I Want to be When I Grow Up?

 I was digging in a box and came across one of my scrapbooks that my mom made with things from when I was a little kid.  There were things like valentine cards from kindergarten, birthday cards, report cards and a few of my early drawings.

One drawing must have been an assignment from kindergarten.  The caption on the drawing is "I want to be a farm girl".

Most likely is was a prompt "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Thinking about it now, kids are asked...what do you want to be?

Firemen, police officer, teacher, scientist, mail carrier.....

Not one of us ever thought...

I want to be happy.

We were pushed into career choices at such a young age.  We gear our education towards a career.  We aim for a career.

We never aim to be happy.

For most of my life, I have battled severe depression.  I have attempted careers.  None have resulted in happiness.  Some have resulted in the feeling of failure.

Why aren't we encouraging our children to be happy?

I remember my mother's reaction about wanting to be a farm girl.  She said that I really didn't want to be one.  I should be someone who makes money and support myself.  Happiness was never a thought.  If she would have just said, just as long as you are happy, that is what is important.

Looking back on some of my "life choices", I realize that they really weren't my own choices.

I really wanted to go to school to mold my creativity into something that would give me joy..... happiness.

If you are happy, are you really poor?

Now I am spending a majority of my time creating.  I work long hours and give up plans in order to finish an idea.  I lost my job but so far, I am able to support myself.

I may not be entirely happy, but it is a start.

I Hate My Reflection

 

I saw my reflection the other day and didn't recognize myself.  A tired, sad face stared back.  

My happiness was not that long ago.

But that was just a fleeting moment it seems...

My weight has ballooned and my smile has dimmed.

I carry so much depression these days.

Sometimes I am just not strong enough to battle the demons in my head.  

I eat my depression.  The more I am depressed, the more I try to shut it up with food or drink until I am numb inside.

I recognize my triggers but sometimes I can't avoid them. (damn it)

When someone I live with makes negative comments about my weight, intelligence, capabilities, life choices, spending habits, and anything else he feels like commenting on, I start to see myself as not worthy of anything.

I feel so small and unlovable... insignificant.

Lately, I have been keeping to myself.  I don't want to be around anyone.  Secretly thinking that they will see me as I feel.  They might judge me.  Whoever "they" are in my mind, "they" are affecting me in a negative way.

Trying to explain how I feel is so hard.  I bottle it inside, put on a brave face, pretend to the world that I am fine.

Taking control of my thoughts and recognizing my triggers is such an exhausting task.  Its takes all of my energy to not crumble into pieces.

I tell myself.....

I cannot control other people's opinion of me but I can control how I react to it.

I cannot make anyone love me how I think I should be loved but I can control the boundaries I allow them to cross.  

I cannot live how anyone thinks I should live but I can control my life.  

When others try to bring you down, they are unhappy with themselves.

I will allow myself to be happy with who I am.

oh and.... I joined weight watchers.

Head Gremlins

 

I've been in a strange head space lately.  I've been doing so well on controlling the mind gremlins but those sneaky bastards are telling me lies again.

So many blows to my psyche lately have been breaking the barrier into my mind and heart.  I have been feeling such a deep sadness and don't know when I will be able to pull out of it.

Changes have a lot to do with messing with my head space. 

I've moved so I am trying to get my living space just right to where I can allow myself to decompress.  Right now, it just chaos and boxes.  I can't really put things in their place until the house speaks to me.  I do have my bedroom clear of clutter and everything is put away but my other spaces need some work.  I realize that takes time but this is a small part of what is causing me stress.

I have kind of a new role at work so when I go in, I am not sure what the plan of attack will be for any given day.  I also have continuous interruptions due to training others and that is wearing on me.  I will power through it and eventually my work place will be fine but for now, it gives my mind gremlins another break in the wall.

I also was in a brief relationship.  I had a glimpse of what it means to have someone care for me in a way that I deserved to be treated.  It ended abruptly with really no one at fault.  I am angry with God for giving me something so wonderful and then yanking it away.

I find myself pulled in many directions and have a full plate.  I need to step back from spreading myself too thin and do something for me.

So with everything going on, the mind gremlins have been lying to me again.  The distractions and the chaos allows them to go in and whisper in my ear.  They tell me things.

I feel that I am not strong enough to handle the lies.  I start to believe them.  My self worth starts to crumble and I feel unloved and cornered.  I have no inner peace.  I look in the mirror and see my tired, sad eyes and believe that I am ugly and not worthy of this life.

Mind gremlins....

I've been dealing with them for so many years.  

I know that this will pass and that I have to push through the feelings.

They lie.  I know they lie.

But still I find myself believing them.

As I type this, I hear them whisper the lies.

Fat, ugly, stupid, unlovable, crazy, not good enough, and so on...

I know they're lies but at the same time, I believe them.

When I write about how I am feeling.  It helps a little.  To get it out and to digest it.  It allows me to step back and validate how I feel and work through it.

I know this feeling will pass with each day as I adjust to my new normal.

It just takes time to evict the mind gremlins.

A Girl Like Me 2.0

 

A girl like me overthinks.

A girl like me needs to realize that she doesn't need to have someone tell her that she's beautiful because she is.

A girl like me needs to not allow her insecurities to lie to her.

A girl like me should know her worth and not allow the unspoken words manifest in her mind.

A girl like me should not be afraid to have difficult conversations.

A girl like me needs to communicate her feelings to a guy like him.

A girl like me needs to understand that a guy like him is not like the other guys that hurt her.

A girl like me needs to realize that a guy like him will not know how a girl like me thinks and feels unless I share it.

A girl like me cannot assume that a guy like him will know what is wrong unless we have a conversation.

A girl like me needs to stop overthinking and just breathe.

A Girl Like Me

 

A girl like me never gets flowers.

A girl like me is always called sexy or hot.

A girl like me is never told she is beautiful.

A girl like me gets sent dick pics and not kind words.

A girl like me never gets asked out to dinner.

Guys only want to fuck a girl like me.  A girl like me never gets to have a relationship.  

Guys don't love a girl like me.

A girl like me starts to doubt our self worth.

A girl like me doesn't feel like they are loveable.

A girl like me feels used and tossed away like a used tissue.

A girl like me cries themselves to sleep because they wish they had someone to hold them.

A girl like me deserves better.  A girl like me deserves 100%.

A girl like me wishes that I wasn't a girl like me.

Losing Kate

 

Katherine Marlene was born at 16:16 pm on June 9, 2002.  She was a petite 7 pounds, 5 ounces and had a full head of hair.  She had big, beautiful eyes and long fingers.  She had a tiny little birthmark on her earlobe.  We knew she was a girl long before she made her appearance.  

As she grew, her personality really started to shine.  She was smart and funny.  She was also quite trying on the patience at times.

Her teen years started with her always wanting to succeed in school, bringing home straight "A"s without me even having to push.  She was always harder on herself.

Teenage Kate had her hard moments.  We struggled with her eating disorder and low self esteem.  We sought help on numerous occasions.  She attempted suicide once and was hospitalized.  Once we found the right treatment, she started to soar.

At the beginning of this September it all came to a halt.

Her move in day at the start of her sophomore year of college turned into a nightmare.  

She was raped by another student in his dorm room.  

She internalized the trauma for about ten days before she told me.  Ashamed and embarrassed, she didn't want to be judged.  As a rape victim, one tends to blame themselves and is often afraid to speak out.  A victim feels afraid of retaliation and also fear that they won't be believed.  A victim is in shock and is unable to fully process what has happened to them.

I finally talked her into reporting it and she went to the hospital to get examined.  During the exam, she vocalized wanting to die and they had to commit her to behavioral health for 72 hours.

After her release, she was exhibiting signs of delusions and hallucinations.  Her dad was concerned and brought her back to the hospital.  She has been diagnosed with psychosis.  She has been creating an alternate reality to hide from the trauma of the attack.

As a parent, I cannot explain how horrible it feels to have lost your child on top of knowing what she has been through to bring her to this point.  

She doesn't deserve this.... any of it.

I cannot visit her due to covid restrictions.  I cannot hold her and tell her that she will be alright.  I cannot take away any of her pain.  I couldn't protect her from the monster who did this to her.  I cannot wipe her tears.

When I talk to her, I don't know this Katie.  

I pray that I have not lost her.  I pray so hard.

I listen for any little hint that she's still in there somewhere.

I don't want to be losing Kate.

Dear Phil

I visited you today.  I brushed the leaves from your headstone.  Tears stung my eyes.  I has been so many years, my friend, but it seems like yesterday that I last heard you laugh.

I remember your smile and your kind eyes.  You tried to hide your hurt but I could see it.  I remember our talks.  I remember how you got me to laugh.  We were friends who shared a common battle.

You chose to end your battle with your demons and insecurities. I still struggle with mine.

I often wish that I as a better friend and wonder if I had only stopped living my life enough to hear your call for help.  If I only took that moment to be there for you.

It is one of my biggest regrets.

I stood at your grave to be with you for a moment, praying that you are at peace. 

Some day I will see you on the other side.

Help is available

Suicide Hotline

800-273-8255 

Unlovable

 

I feel so unlovable at times.  It's hard to explain but the feeling is real.

Some say I'm funny, smart, pretty and have a good heart.  I don't see that some times.  I see an unlovable person.

Men have left me, cheated on me, abused me and used me.

I have been left in the wake of the chaos wondering why.  I've been told that I deserve so much more than I've gotten but it never happens.

It becomes so hard to trust that the next one won't be like the others.  I am taken advantage of and tossed aside like a used tissue.

Wounds cut deep and they take long to heal.

Why would someone want to love a mess like me?

Who would be brave enough?

What would even attract them to my soul?

I know it is hard to believe that I think this way.  Feeling unlovable is an incredibly painful experience.  

We all deserve love and to love but it doesn't always happen like the fairy tales and that's kind of sad.

Therapy helps with dealing with my thought process at times but when my guard is down, I let myself feel a little self pity. 

When a person if feeling unloved, they usually believe that other people are the cause or source of the feeling.  IN reality, feeling unloved is ultimately the result of an unresolved conflict within ourselves.

No one is capable of fixing me, I have to figure out what unresolved conflict is in me and resolve it.

.

A Mother's Cry

 

This is probably one of the hardest things I've written about.  I've started it many times and put it aside because I was never sure if I could even put it into words.

I also didn't want anyone judging the situation.  It is a tough situation to even think about going through but then to actually live it....

Mind you, what I am about to write about happened a few years ago and we are all fine now.  I am writing about it because I am sure other moms have gone through it, are going through it or will go through it.  I just want you to know that you are not alone.

I thought it was odd that she asked me for an extension cord.  She said that she needed it for her curling iron.  I had a long day and didn't really question her.  After several minutes...hell, it could have been an hour but the time doesn't matter, she came out of the bathroom and admitted to the lie and said that the cord was to put into the tub with her.

As a parent, I didn't know what to do.  I knew she struggled and we had tried to get help but help was just almost impossible to find.  School counselors were focused on SATs and college meetings.  I was told that they were too busy to even refer us to someone who could help.  I had called behavioral health and got her in to see an older guy but he really couldn't relate to poor body image and teenage breakups.

I tried to help but she accused me of making it about me.  I only tried to relate to what she was going through but she didn't see me as ever being a teenager.

When she admitted the intent of the extension cord, I calmly said that I was glad that she told me and we talked for a bit.  She went to bed.

I was up all night thinking why the fuck couldn't I help my own child.  I felt like a failure.  I made the decision to seek the ultimate help.

I can't really remember if she went to school the next day but again, the timeline doesn't really matter.

I made the decision to take her to the emergency room and seek for some way to help her.

She had serious body image issues.  She binged and purged.  She was a shell of what she once was.  She worked out constantly.

She had bullies at school who were into cyberbullying her.  Her ass was too big, her arms were too hairy, and whatever else.  

She self harmed.  Her arms were cut with scissors or a knife.

She was angry and depressed.

and I couldn't help her.

My beautiful child was a mess.

She didn't fight me on going to the hospital.  Which surprised me but I think she was just ready to get help too.

In the emergency room they ran blood tests and checked vitals.  Finally a doctor came and talked with us, mainly her.  She explained everything that was going on with her and her thoughts.  I was startled to learn that it was worse that what I was seeing.  My heart broke even more.

I stepped out with the doctor and he asked what I was thinking.  I started to cry and said that I think she needs to be admitted to the pysch ward and if she doesn't agree, I will have her forcibly placed.

As a mother, this had to be one of the hardest decisions I had to make. 

I talked with her a bit about my decision and at first she was scared about how it would all work.  She then opened to the idea and agreed to go.

It was hard leaving her there but I also knew that she was safe.  That first night I slept so good knowing that she was safe.

The first few days were hard for her as she never liked sleeping away from home but as she got involved in the program, I began to see improvement.  She was there for about 5 days.  

We put a plan into place so that she could come home.  We learned to talk about things.  We worked with a counselor.  Her medication was adjusted.

I'm not saying that everything was perfect after that.  There have been some large bumps in the road but we have tools to deal with them.

Despite everything she was a straight A student.  She is bright, funny, and beautiful.

I am proud of my daughter.

How I Deal With It

I have written about my battle with depression many times.  I've written about the time I wanted to end my life.  

I write about it because I know there are others who feel the same and they feel alone.  I write to let them know they aren't alone.

I have been asked recently about how I deal with it.  I am asked if I am cured.  I am asked if I still have feelings of ending my life.

First, I don't believe that there will ever really be a cure for depression.  I've dealt with mine since I was about 14 or so.  There were factors that came into play that I don't really talk about.  It isn't because I'm embarrassed or I don't want to talk about them.  It's just that some of the factors have names and I don't feel angry or hatred towards them so I don't want anyone else judging them.  

Second, I deal with depression by recognizing my triggers and avoiding them.  Triggers could be memories of past trauma or even when I let my own head starts overthinking.  Sometimes I even see the "factors" of my past and I have to pretend that things didn't happen.

I also practice self care.  Practicing self care is a huge key in managing depression.  I have learned to immurse myself in creativity.  I use it as an outlet.  I create beautiful things and that makes me feel good.  I read.  I write.  I walk.  I take time outs for me.  I go to the lake and dip my toes.  

I've accepted myself for who I am and if others don't like me, that is their problem, not mine.  There are times when my own mind lies when I look in the mirror.  I hear that I am ugly, fat, stupid, unlovable and so on.  Those lies are just echoes from my former self.  

And.... they are just lies.

I also have learned to accept love into my heart.  I don't mean a romantic love but a pure love from family and friends.  I surround myself with good people and I love them back. 

I've learned to ask for help.  There are numbers that I can call and talk to someone immediately.   I reach out to friends and family. 

Do I still have feelings of ending it all?

I haven't in a very long time.  I've made many changes to my life to ensure that it doesn't happen.  Sometimes I wonder if I will have a moment of irrational thought and that would be all it takes.

It was hard work learning to step back from that ledge.  It continues to be hard work.

But good things come from hard work.

Suicide Hotline

800-273-8255

One Very Irrational Thought

 

I never regret posting about how I deal with my depression.  If it helps just one person, then it not only helps them, it helps me.

I have my quiet days.  They are further and farther apart now that I have moved back home.  

I think because I feel more loved and accepted here.

A lot of my depression stems from my own demons in my head.  They tell me that I am ugly, fat, stupid, unlovable.... pick any type of insult and my demons say it.

I wrote a blog entry on the night that I had a moment of irrational thought and almost committed suicide.

You can read it here ------>  Click on these words.

I still think about that moment and how desperate I was to just end it.  

People ask about my butterfly tattoo on my left forearm.

It is in my favorite color and it has a small semicolon for a body.

A butterfly is a symbol of change for me.  They are beautiful and fragile.  They can be joyful to see.  They are graceful and most have limited life spans.

We all have limited life spans.  Some of us live to be in our 100's.  That is still a limited time.

I'm glad that I didn't limit my own life span.

Depression is some ugly shit.

It can be managed but I seriously don't think that there is really a cure.

I know that I will never be completely done with it.  I am better with fighting it now.

Learn your triggers and avoid them.  

Phone or visit a friend.  You don't have to tell them why if you don't want to but it helps to just hear someone who fills the part of you where depression lays.  

Journal or just write about what you are feeling.  Keep writing until it passes.  It helps you recognize the triggers.

Love yourself.  I know it's hard because of the lies you are hearing.  You just have to find the strength to tell them to shut the fuck up.

An emotional support animal or even a plant helps.  You have to take care of them, if you aren't living, who else will do it?

Take time for yourself.  I drive to the big lake and just dip my toes in.  It doesn't matter if its cold.  It grounds me.

I also walk in cemeteries.  They are very peaceful.  I touch old headstones and try to connect.  This person is someone who was loved very much and I wonder who visits their graves now (other than me).

I paint.  I make a big messy mess and create the hell out of something.  It awakens my energy.  The colors collide and form some amazing stuff.

I also just couch potato.  Doing absolutely nothing allows me to speak to my inner self and watch some cute dudes on tv.  (haha)

To be back where my friends and family helps so much.

To be able to visit my sister and laugh until we are both crying is amazing.  I am so thankful for her.

To spend time with old friends is extremely comforting.  My old self is resurfacing and it feels great.

To make new friends is the best.  

I treasure all my relationships.

I am allowing myself to be loved.  I make no apologies for who I am and I am accepted anyway.

I love myself and this is the very key.  I love myself enough to take care of me.

Suicide is a very permanent solution to a very temporary problem.  

You are not alone.

If you would like to learn more about Project Semicolon, click here.

Project Semicolon

Suicide Hotline

800-273-8255

Ghost of Depression Past

 

I saw a new doctor the other day.  Since moving back home, I knew I needed a medical care provider.

I ain't getting any younger.

Well that and the fact that I have some health issues that need managing.

It was a much longer appointment that I figured on.  I was impressed that she took the time to get to know me and my health history.  

When it came time to talk about how I manage my depression, I got a little anxious.  Even though I have battled depression for a very long time, it sometimes isn't easy to talk about without my eyes leaking a little.

To accept the causes is a little painful and then to openly talk about them is almost traumatic.  

When I had to tell her about the time that I had contemplated suicide it was a little painful.  It is harder for me to talk about it because it is hard to hide the emotion when you are face to face.  When I write about it, you can't see the tears stream down my face or my lip quiver.

I have come a long way in my healing from the past trauma.  The years of mental abuse, self sabotage, feelings of being unlovable, failure, sexual assault, and various other bits and pieces of hell had taken its toll and all came to a head.

You can read that here ----> Click Right Here

The best healing I have done was just by moving home.  Its a place where I have felt safe and secure.  Being with people who have known me for a very long time has helped me reconnect with myself before it all went south.

The doctor asked me if I still felt suicidal.  I explained that I never really was suicidal.  It was that one moment of irrational thinking that could have been the end but instead of cutting or taking pills, I decided to stop and just write.

And that helped a little

The other part was to accept my traumas and not let them mold me.  I own them and keep them in a part of me.  I have built on the fact that they did not break me.

I also learned to accept who I am.  I don't hide my true self from anyone.  I own that part of me too.  My true self is someone who surprises me.  I don't have much of a filter these days.  I say what I think and am honest with those around me.  I am also honest with myself.

I no longer accept anything less than I deserve.  I deserve to be happy.

When things go wrong, I no longer blame myself.

Rejection no longer cripples me.  If I ain't your cup of tea, I can't sweeten it with my sugar.  My life goes on.

I recognize my triggers.  I steer clear of them or I don't allow them to control me, I control them.

My boundaries are set.  As I see myself in fullness, it is easier to see others in the same way.

I also try to communicate well.  If I need clarity, I ask questions.  If the answers are honest and open, I accept them and take them to heart.  Sometimes the answers aren't always what I hope to hear, but it does give some peace to know how the other person feels.

I am still not 100% but I can say that the depression episodes are very far and few between now.  I do laugh more and I feel happier.  I see it on my face and in my heart.

I am thankful for those who are a part of my life and accept my quirks and never ask for anything more than I am capable of giving of myself.  I am truly blessed by the friendships that I continue to have and I love everyone of them wholly and completely.

Insomnia is a Sanctimonious Bitch

 

Night two of not being able to sleep.  It doesn't surprise me.  I was due.

My head is full of chaos.  Restless thoughts bounce off the walls of my skull.  They feel almost like pop rocks on the tongue.

I watched videos.  I read a book.  I listened to music.  

I took melatonin.

Nothing seems to work.

I am tired but can't sleep.

I know, I know...I should not be on the computer.  I should try to relax.  I should find some zen.  I should spray lavender smelly shit.  I should do a lot of things.

Many people suffer from insomnia from time to time.  I'm not the only one.

At least it isn't depression.  Depression has been such an enemy.

I haven't been this happy in a very long time.

The beginning of the week started off a bit rough.  Car trouble, kid trouble, just things that cannot be controlled.  It happens.

I do miss being creative.  I need to have that outlet to release how I feel.  Creativity helps me put the chaos to canvas.

For now, I will type these words and hope that the thoughts become quiet for a bit.

Confessions of a Creative Mind

I have always been creative.

Ever since I was little I was always making something.  My mom saved Christmas cards and we used to cut out circles and put them together on contact paper to make placemats that we used during the holidays.

I would make Christmas ornaments out of anything.  My favorite was using colorful beads that reflected the lights of the tree,

I love arranging flowers.

I am so fascinated with color and how colors blend together or compliment each other.  I love color.  Love love love color.

I make bows and beaded jewelry, key chains, purse charms.  I've sent out handmade Christmas cards.

What got me started on my current addiction was butterflies in resin.  I had recently taken a trip to Phoenix, AZ and visited Butterfly Wonderland.  The gift shop had beautiful, colorful butterflies in resin for sale. So I purchased this butterfly:

I proceeded to try to put it in resin.  Note the key word "try".  I ended up setting the butterfly on fire and failed miserably.

So I went to YouTube to watch resin artists and how they do resin art work.  I decided that resin just isn't for me. One click led to another and I ended up watching Kanella Ciraco and was hooked.

Kanella Ciraco Art

She made it look so easy and I thought I would try it.  My first attempt was with metallic teal, copper and sky.

I love how it turned out.

So I tried another one with more colors.

I then found other artists on YouTube.  One used silicone in her paint and then swiped it with a paper towel.  I was in love.

Ann Osborne Art

Here is my first attempt:

I was amazed at how easy it is.  It is incredibly messy but sometimes you need to be messy to be creative.

Messy messy messy....

I find that when I am creative I am not as depressed as I can be.  During this uncertain time with the Covid-19 virus keeping us separate and in fear, I thought an outlet would help.

I can't even tell you how many paintings I have done within the last couple of weeks.  I do know that I have given away over $100 worth of completed works of art just because I want to share the beautiful colors with anyone who wanted one.

It just makes me happy.

So once I mastered the technique, I started trying new things to paint on.

It amazes me how much I enjoy creating.  I hope to continue growing as an artist and possibly do some bigger canvases.

Right now I only have my small kitchen table in my small apartment to work with but here's hoping to do big things in a small place.

Here are some examples of what I have done:

The Guarded Heart

I’ve been fighting demons again.

The struggle becomes so difficult that I’m my own enemy.  My mind becomes a weapon against me.

My walls are so damn high and I am just lost.

I need to get back into therapy before it becomes too late.

I used to love so easily and freely. I gave myself to those who didn’t deserve it, sacrificing myself in the process.

Lately I don’t even recognize myself.

I feel so unloved and unwanted, not only by others but even I don’t even want me.  I feel so unloved and closed.  I hurt.

A lot.

I don’t know what to do.

I sit in my solitude.  It is so quiet but at the same time I hear my mind just screaming.  I wish it would just stop.

The lies.  I know my mind is lying but sometimes is just easier to just accept the fact that I’m not worthy of a life of love and laughter.  I’m not worthy of someone’s time.  I’ve become an afterthought or even just a booty call and that’s all I deserve.

My mind is a liar and I just accept it.

I don’t know how to ask for help.

Tears stream down my face as I type this.

Every day I just feel more broken.

Rainy Days and Mondays

Some days are just hard.

If you read my posts a lot, you already know that and you also know that I write to help deal with my depression as it creeps in and out like an evil character.

I can't control it sometimes and I just have to feel it.  It hurts in a way that I cannot describe it.  There is no pill.  There is no relief.  I just my tools to limp through it.

It had been building up for a time.  I knew it was coming.  I've taken several blows to my psyche.  Failure and physical pain teamed with weather and financial stress was a recipe for an emotional shit storm.

Yesterday, it just came to a head.

One bad day can just tip it into the basket.

Today I woke up in a mood.  Crying and sad, I forced myself to get dressed and head to work.  I had hoped that it would pass as the day went along but no such luck.

When I was walking out to my car, the thoughts came.  The scary thoughts that may cause alarm to anyone if I had spoken them out loud.

"What if I just disappeared?"

"What if I just ended it?"

"No one cares."

"The pain just needs to end."

"I'm always so alone."

You get the idea.

Now, I would never ever hurt myself or end my life but those thoughts do pop in the head.  I'm sure if I didn't understand that depression lies, that I probably would do something to harm myself.

I just have to let the thoughts come so that they can go.

There are times where the fight is difficult.

There are times when I feel that I give more of myself to others than I receive.  It takes a toll on me and it becomes hard to take care of myself first and that I need to give myself to me first.

I always find it interesting that people will mention that I look tired.  I am tired.  Fighting my own demons is exhausting.  I can never say that to them.  I just agree that I am tired and continue on.

At least I acknowledge my struggles and understand them.  I know that it isn't easy for others.

Tomorrow is another day and it is one day closer to getting past this round.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

It's Ugly Head

Again....

It rears its ugly head.

It seeps into my deepest crevasses and digs deep.

Sometimes it feels so physical, like it grips so tight.

I felt it coming.  It was just a matter of time for it to start to really hurt.

Sometimes I cannot mentally prepare for it.  I just have to let it come.

So I hurt.

I fail to understand some things.  The why for what causes it. 

Like "Why doesn't he talk to me anymore?" and "I feel like I am just not good enough." and also "I am not strong enough to cope."

My daily physical pain wears on me too.  There is just never any complete relief.

The weather plays a part.  I am tired of fighting the cold.  Sick of the constant white backdrop.

Work is becoming mundane and repetitive.  Waking at the ungodly hour of 3 am is wearing thin.

Instead of reaching for a razor this time, I find myself wanting to just disappear.  I want to run and be unknown.  I want to reinvent myself and not be the current me.

It's such  a sad, lonely feeling.

There is no joy, no laughter, no happiness.....

only me and my depression....

My "Why"

I was told that I needed to lose ten pounds in order to even start the ball rolling to have my knee replaced.

I panicked.

I have been the same weight since 1996.  (or that's what I tell myself)

I'm a liar.

I have weighed less, considerably less.

Mayo clinic is who I've been dealing with and they have a valid point.  Even though I think that people heavier than me have had knee replacement.

I had to come up with a plan.  I know that I suck at doing it on my own.  I have been set in my eating ways for a long time.  I drink regular Coke like it's going out of style.  I eat Hostess crap.  I love my chips and burgers.

Well, most of the previous paragraph should be in past tense.

I joined weight watchers about two weeks ago.  I have to say that it is working so far.  I am down 12 pounds.

I am surprised at myself and how well I have adjusted my eating habits.  I feel better.  I reach for fruit instead of cookies.  I drink flavored water.  (Shout out to Crush for the flavor packets)  I eat chicken and shrimp.  

I have met my first weight loss goal and had my weight certified by my doctor to send to Mayo Clinic.  Honestly, I cried when I got on the scale.  I didn't think I could do it.

Now I am seeing how far I can go with this.  I secretly struggle with my self image.  Maybe it is just time.

Weight Watchers suggests that we have a "why" for wanting to be healthier.  

My "why" was my knee surgery but now my "why" is for me.

Changes

Days have been extremely hard lately.  I cry in private and I tell myself that it will get better.

I feel like I lie to myself.

The past few weeks have been difficult.

Too many changes all at once.  The changes haven't been good to me or for me.

My job that I loved has turned into a job that I hate.  Everything I loved about it was taken away.

I now get up at 3 am to be at work by 4.  I bust my ass all day and never leave on time.  I have bruises.  I am exhausted.

My daughter's depression is challenging.  It is hard to help someone who is depressed when you are struggling.

I find myself huddled in a ball most of my time.  Trying to protect myself from my demons.

Write Like No One is Reading

I wish I could write like I used to.  It was so easy to put my thoughts out there.  It always helped to clear my head.  Hell, I have blogged for years.  I used to blog on MySpace.  (Remember MySpace?)

Now, since I've received a few anonymous letters in the mail dissing me because of what I write, I tend to second guess everything.  I friggin hate that.

So, I am just going to type away and see where this goes.

It is going to be a pain in the ass though because I am blogging on an iPad.

Today I spent time trying to be distracted.  I have a court hearing tomorrow for something totally bullshit.  This is something I won't type about until it's over because sometimes shit can go south and if it does, I'm going to need to vent.

I also have a lot going on in my head.

Lately ive been feeling stuck.  I am tired of living the way I live.  I'm lonely.  I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm confused.

Why is life so difficult?

I thought I deserved better. I work hard. I studied hard. I love hard. I care about people.

None of it seems to matter.

How do other people do it?

I have goals and dreams.  How in the hell do I achieve them?

I guess this will need more thought.

My depression hasn't been too horrible.  I've been trying to do all the right things like eating right, sleeping right, doing my hobby, yadda yadda.  So there's that.

I'm hoping tomorrow goes well and then I'll go from there.