I also didn't want anyone judging the situation. It is a tough situation to even think about going through but then to actually live it....
Mind you, what I am about to write about happened a few years ago and we are all fine now. I am writing about it because I am sure other moms have gone through it, are going through it or will go through it. I just want you to know that you are not alone.
I thought it was odd that she asked me for an extension cord. She said that she needed it for her curling iron. I had a long day and didn't really question her. After several minutes...hell, it could have been an hour but the time doesn't matter, she came out of the bathroom and admitted to the lie and said that the cord was to put into the tub with her.
As a parent, I didn't know what to do. I knew she struggled and we had tried to get help but help was just almost impossible to find. School counselors were focused on SATs and college meetings. I was told that they were too busy to even refer us to someone who could help. I had called behavioral health and got her in to see an older guy but he really couldn't relate to poor body image and teenage breakups.
I tried to help but she accused me of making it about me. I only tried to relate to what she was going through but she didn't see me as ever being a teenager.
When she admitted the intent of the extension cord, I calmly said that I was glad that she told me and we talked for a bit. She went to bed.
I was up all night thinking why the fuck couldn't I help my own child. I felt like a failure. I made the decision to seek the ultimate help.
I can't really remember if she went to school the next day but again, the timeline doesn't really matter.
I made the decision to take her to the emergency room and seek for some way to help her.
She had serious body image issues. She binged and purged. She was a shell of what she once was. She worked out constantly.
She had bullies at school who were into cyberbullying her. Her ass was too big, her arms were too hairy, and whatever else.
She self harmed. Her arms were cut with scissors or a knife.
She was angry and depressed.
and I couldn't help her.
My beautiful child was a mess.
She didn't fight me on going to the hospital. Which surprised me but I think she was just ready to get help too.
In the emergency room they ran blood tests and checked vitals. Finally a doctor came and talked with us, mainly her. She explained everything that was going on with her and her thoughts. I was startled to learn that it was worse that what I was seeing. My heart broke even more.
I stepped out with the doctor and he asked what I was thinking. I started to cry and said that I think she needs to be admitted to the pysch ward and if she doesn't agree, I will have her forcibly placed.
As a mother, this had to be one of the hardest decisions I had to make.
I talked with her a bit about my decision and at first she was scared about how it would all work. She then opened to the idea and agreed to go.
It was hard leaving her there but I also knew that she was safe. That first night I slept so good knowing that she was safe.
The first few days were hard for her as she never liked sleeping away from home but as she got involved in the program, I began to see improvement. She was there for about 5 days.
We put a plan into place so that she could come home. We learned to talk about things. We worked with a counselor. Her medication was adjusted.
I'm not saying that everything was perfect after that. There have been some large bumps in the road but we have tools to deal with them.
Despite everything she was a straight A student. She is bright, funny, and beautiful.
I am proud of my daughter.
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