Head Gremlins

 

I've been in a strange head space lately.  I've been doing so well on controlling the mind gremlins but those sneaky bastards are telling me lies again.

So many blows to my psyche lately have been breaking the barrier into my mind and heart.  I have been feeling such a deep sadness and don't know when I will be able to pull out of it.

Changes have a lot to do with messing with my head space. 

I've moved so I am trying to get my living space just right to where I can allow myself to decompress.  Right now, it just chaos and boxes.  I can't really put things in their place until the house speaks to me.  I do have my bedroom clear of clutter and everything is put away but my other spaces need some work.  I realize that takes time but this is a small part of what is causing me stress.

I have kind of a new role at work so when I go in, I am not sure what the plan of attack will be for any given day.  I also have continuous interruptions due to training others and that is wearing on me.  I will power through it and eventually my work place will be fine but for now, it gives my mind gremlins another break in the wall.

I also was in a brief relationship.  I had a glimpse of what it means to have someone care for me in a way that I deserved to be treated.  It ended abruptly with really no one at fault.  I am angry with God for giving me something so wonderful and then yanking it away.

I find myself pulled in many directions and have a full plate.  I need to step back from spreading myself too thin and do something for me.

So with everything going on, the mind gremlins have been lying to me again.  The distractions and the chaos allows them to go in and whisper in my ear.  They tell me things.

I feel that I am not strong enough to handle the lies.  I start to believe them.  My self worth starts to crumble and I feel unloved and cornered.  I have no inner peace.  I look in the mirror and see my tired, sad eyes and believe that I am ugly and not worthy of this life.

Mind gremlins....

I've been dealing with them for so many years.  

I know that this will pass and that I have to push through the feelings.

They lie.  I know they lie.

But still I find myself believing them.

As I type this, I hear them whisper the lies.

Fat, ugly, stupid, unlovable, crazy, not good enough, and so on...

I know they're lies but at the same time, I believe them.

When I write about how I am feeling.  It helps a little.  To get it out and to digest it.  It allows me to step back and validate how I feel and work through it.

I know this feeling will pass with each day as I adjust to my new normal.

It just takes time to evict the mind gremlins.

My Guard Is Up

 

Sometimes I have the idea of what I want to write but the hardest part is starting the dialog.

I often find myself wanting to apologize for my feelings.  When I express how I feel I worry that I might hurt or offend who I am expressing to.  I have tried to find some understanding as to why I tend to do this.  I have given advice to others that we are entitled to have our feelings and shouldn't have to apologize for them and yet I do it.

Recently, I have expressed my feelings to someone on how I didn't deserve to be treated a certain way.  I wasn't loud about it and I wasn't vulgar in calling names.  I just expressed my feelings of being hurt and not understanding why he felt that it was ok to treat me a certain way.

I am fighting the urge to apologize for expressing how I feel.  I am uncertain why.  I wasn't the shitty one.

I am what is considered to be a guarded girl.  I have loved and loved deeply only to be hurt by that person I loved.  My walls are up and my heart is scarred.

Many have hurt me, left me and I often feel unlovable to a fault.

I never understand why no one wants to step up and be that person that I deserve.  We all deserve to have 100% of someone.  Imagine how it would feel to have that in a relationship.

I promise that I am that guarded girl who, once my heart is opened, I would love the total shit out of you.

Life is way too short for shitty relationships.  

I am no longer going to apologize for my feelings.

If you hurt me, I will let you know.  I will not want a response or an apology.  I will simply walk away.

There is someone out there who is more deserving of what I have to offer.

That someone will be one lucky son of a bitch.

 

My "Why"

I was told that I needed to lose ten pounds in order to even start the ball rolling to have my knee replaced.

I panicked.

I have been the same weight since 1996.  (or that's what I tell myself)

I'm a liar.

I have weighed less, considerably less.

Mayo clinic is who I've been dealing with and they have a valid point.  Even though I think that people heavier than me have had knee replacement.

I had to come up with a plan.  I know that I suck at doing it on my own.  I have been set in my eating ways for a long time.  I drink regular Coke like it's going out of style.  I eat Hostess crap.  I love my chips and burgers.

Well, most of the previous paragraph should be in past tense.

I joined weight watchers about two weeks ago.  I have to say that it is working so far.  I am down 12 pounds.

I am surprised at myself and how well I have adjusted my eating habits.  I feel better.  I reach for fruit instead of cookies.  I drink flavored water.  (Shout out to Crush for the flavor packets)  I eat chicken and shrimp.  

I have met my first weight loss goal and had my weight certified by my doctor to send to Mayo Clinic.  Honestly, I cried when I got on the scale.  I didn't think I could do it.

Now I am seeing how far I can go with this.  I secretly struggle with my self image.  Maybe it is just time.

Weight Watchers suggests that we have a "why" for wanting to be healthier.  

My "why" was my knee surgery but now my "why" is for me.

Like an Emotional Freight Train

It's coming again.

I can feel it.

Just of to the side and just out of view.

An emotional freight train.........

It has been a few weeks since my episode of unclear thinking.

I've made some effort to recognize the signs of the oncoming freight train of irrational thoughts.  There is always a threat of irrational thoughts with me.  It is just how I am.

I've built up a support system of friends and I won't be afraid to reach out if I need to.  I don't ever want to get that close to the edge again.

Sometimes I wonder how anyone could ever love me for how I am.

I mean, it isn't that I am a horrible person.  I don't pull wings off of flies to watch them suffer or anything.

I mean I do have these episodes of where I am not completely myself.

It is weird.

The thoughts are coming again.

Today I found myself staring in the mirror.  I felt hatred.  

I hate how I look.  That face staring back at me wasn't what I was used to seeing.

I don't know.

It is hard to explain the struggle sometimes.  It isn't a black and white type of thing.

I was thinking of past episodes from years ago when I used to self harm.  I never cut myself or anything like that.  It was different.  I really don't want to share it.  

It is strange to say that (type it) since I share just about everything here.

I am glad that I don't do it anymore though.

Today was just an angry day.

Angry with myself for just failing at things.  This in turn caused the emotional freight train to depart brain station.

I am going on another ride soon.

Obviously....

She loves you, ya know.

Can't you feel it when she kisses you?

She will never tell you though.

Can you see it in her eyes when she looks at you?

She will never share it with you.

Can you feel her heart beating faster when you take her in your arms?

She can never let her feelings slip out.

She sometimes watches you sleep, breathing your breath.  She lays on your chest just willing you to understand.

She shares your laughter.

She frees her time.

She loves you, ya know.

She keeps it to herself.

She was hurt once...

Badly...

She sometimes wishes she could tell you.  That part she keeps hidden.  

She treasures your smile, the one you show her.  She listens to your voice, it calms her.  She looks at your hands as they hold hers.

The taste of you, the smell of you, the sight of you....

Feels like home.

She loves you, ya know.

Obviously 

But she will never tell you.

My Brain is Driving Me Crazy

These last few days I have been having a depression flare up.  I hate that.  I brace myself for it and just hang on until it passes.

Sometimes the weather triggers it and then sometimes the hormones go all whack-a-doo.

Sometimes my kids demand more from me than I want to give.

Sometimes it isn't anything at all.

This time it is a little different.

My brain won't shut up.

I guess we can call it the voices in my head and we can all chuckle about it....but it really isn't' funny.

I miss my therapist for things like this.

I find myself thinking that there has to be more to my life than just this.  Work, sleep, work, sleep....minimal fun time, minimal relax time.  I want an adventure.  I want to do something bold.  I want more to my life than just this.

I read some where that when you find yourself thinking this way that you should make the change.  

Yes, but that shit is scary.

I also find myself in a mental struggle in wanting to tell someone how I feel but I am afraid of the reaction.  I am afraid of rejection.  I am mostly afraid of getting hurt....again.

That shit is scary too.

I look in the mirror and wonder how anyone could want to be with me.  I feel ugly.  I look tired.  I also have the hidden crazy inside too.

ugh....

I struggle with work.  I like what I do and I work hard at it.  I am scared that I am not doing the right thing or that I will piss someone off.  I also am afraid that I just might tell off a customer who really deserves it.  Some of my coworkers also need a reality slap to the head.

People are assholes.

Even worse, they don't care that they are assholes.

I have a big trip coming up on behalf of the company.  I am honored to be chosen to represent the store and have the opportunity to feel like a bigger part of the picture.  Travel always gives me anxiety.  I fear getting lost or missing a flight.  I fear I won't find a ride to where I need to stay.  I fear I will forget to pack something that I really need.  I am always afraid that I won't have enough money.

Stupid, eh?

Maybe it is the fears that are driving me nuts.

But then again, the brain eggs on the fears.

My brain tells me that I don't deserve a great relationship.  It tells me that I deserve this mundane life. It also tells me that I will miss my flight.  

Oh there are so many other things it tells me but I would be here for months typing it all out.

I read all sorts of self help crap.

Ask for what you want.  See it, do it.  A successful trip is well planned.  Fear is nothing but an illusion.  blah blah blah

I know, I'm making excuses.  I need to work through all this crap in my head.

I am stronger than the voices.  (haha)

I've rambled on enough about it.

Besides, my brain is tired.

Cancer

I normally write a post in Word first, read it and reread it, edit it, spell check it, hem and haw over posting it and then post it.

This is not the case today.  I am just winging it.

Sometimes I just need to do a mind dump and write.

My world has taken on a new perspective lately.  I am learning about different parts of the human anatomy and how radiation works and what chemo does to the cells and there have been discussions about how to have a funeral.

It has been an interesting 6 weeks.

My mom has cancer.

and....it isn't good.

Not like there is a good cancer.  The word cancer is horrible.  It means suffering, sadness, pain, anger, struggle, and a whole bunch of other things that race through my mind.

I knew it wasn't going to be good when mom was admitted to the hospital back in August.  I mean the world's most stubborn person on the planet who hasn't seen a doctor in God knows how long can't be expected to just have a common ailment.  Even I know reality when I see it.

It has been hard.

I live about 5 hours away.  I often wonder how she holds up during treatment or doctor appointments when they say "it is in your bones" or "we need to start treatment or you won't see November". I wish I could just be there to help take her to appointments or to the store or just talk to her face to face.  

It hasn't been too much of a secret that I have unresolved issues with my mother.  I am pretty much sure that these issues will never be resolved.  I've excepted that.

Just because there are issues, doesn't mean I don't care or love her.

I guess in a way, it makes things worse.

I'll just deal with it.