What Do You Bring to the Table?

 

I just realized that I haven't written in awhile.  I guess life has been pretty good lately.

Well, until....

So a guy "slides into my DMs" (like all the cool kids say.  For us older people... This guy messages me on Facebook... not Facebook Dating but actual Facebook.  He asks if we can get to know each other.  To which I respond with a "sure".  He asks questions and I respond.  When I don't respond I get accused of not being interested.  I really am not interested.  I am not aware that Facebook is a dating site.

So this goes back and forth and he puts the pressure on to meet.  I don't really want to meet.  I have the "no new people" mentality as of late and he qualifies as a new person.

I am in my 50's.  I make my own money. I pay my own bills.  I don't need a man.  I am at peace with my life at the moment.  If I invite you in, you better bring something to the table that isn't already on the menu.

He's unemployed.  He seems desperate to be with someone.  He's throwing red flags like they are confetti.

But he wore me down and I agree to meet.

So we meet for drinks and I think we have a good conversation.  I am still cautious.  He touches my hair. (Red Flag).  He touches my back. (Red Flag).

I don't like strangers touching me.

I ignore the flags.  I'm not planning a wedding, it is just drinks after all.

So as we are talking, I am looking to see what he is bringing to my table.  We have a few common interests but nothing to ask him to pull up a chair.  As we leave the bar, he asks if he can kiss me and I oblige.

The next day, I message him and tell him that I passed along his hello to my best friend's husband (they went to high school together).  He says he was wondering if I would message him.  I said I was busy with my side job and finally had a moment. (deck drinking)

He then proceeds to ask for a full length photo.

Are you fucking kidding me?

First of all, not only will you not be sitting at my table, I will ask you to leave the restaurant.

I said that I was not going to do that.

He then goes on to say that he didn't think I was the shy type and asked again for a front and back photo.

Seriously....

What the fuck?

"Why would I subject myself to judgment by a man that I already met me?  Either you like me or you don't.  At this age I don't need to show my body.  If you are looking for a super model, maybe you should try to talk to someone else."

That was my response.

Men my age are seriously single for a reason.

When I am comfortable with my single-ness, I really am picky about the menu.  If you don't have anything to offer, go sit at someone else's table.

24 Hours on Tinder

 

I decided to join Tinder so see what the hype was about.  I know it has been around awhile but I had become leery of online dating since the time I met someone on Plenty of Fish and he ended up licking my cheek.  I wrote about the incident once, but I am not in the mood to go look for it.

Anyway, about 24 hours ago, I signed up on Tinder.  

We were talking about it at work and I was just curious to see what would happen.  Being recently single after a brief relationship, I was willing to give it a shot.

I am still trying to figure it all out but in the last 24 hours, this is what I learned.

I would read an entire profile and see what they are looking for.  I swiped right on those who are looking for someone fun, someone to go do things with.  Some are looking for a long term, meaningful relationship.  So, I respond to messages of those I matches with and and they will still ask about your favorite sexual position in the first 10 minutes I find this a very interesting way to start off a potential long term relationship with a possible soul mate.  *insert eyeroll here*

I also have been asked to provide more photos of myself even though I look the same in all photos except this one:

And that is just me tired of being asked for more photos.

Speaking of photos...

Currently I have enough dick pics to wallpaper the garage.  Why do guys think that a dick is a turn on?  Most men don't even know how to use it correctly.  Seriously, they are not pretty and a lot of times they remind me of a turkey neck.  I received one such masterpiece and was asked is I like it and I said I couldn't give an honest opinion because I was still comparing it to the last dick pic I got.

Then they have the balls (see what I did there?) to ask for naked pics of me.  "Well, I sent you one of me, so...."  Seriously????  I didn't even ask for one of you.

My one favorite question that I get asked is "What are you looking for?".  I usually am a smart ass and respond with "I didn't know I lost anything."  Hell, what I am looking for to start with is a decent conversation.  You can send me all the dick pics you want but prove to me that you aren't stupid.  Send me a video of you reading out loud or solving a word problem.... hell, recite a Shakespearian sonnet. 

Another observation is when I send a message to someone to say hello, they respond "hi" and that's it.  Then crickets....  Buddy, you matched with me and I send a message and then nothing.  You can't possibly be looking for a relationship if you don't participate in conversation.  Am I wrong?

I also get told that I am pretty or sexy and then they want to know my breast size.  Do men really understand cup sizes?  What does the size of my boobs have to do with my intellect or my personality?  It's not like I keep my brain in them.  

Men who state that they want a serious relationship and then ask about your boobs aren't very serious about any relationship.

Being in my 50's, I am more into a relationship that is more than just dicks and boobs.  Are we even going to try a favorite position when we are in our 80's? 

If you are looking for a serious relationship, then there is more to just asking about cup sizes and dick pics.  Strike up a good conversation, pick a topic that doesn't lead to sexual bullshit.  Pick my brain, make me laugh, stop asking for more pictures and for God's sake, put your penis away.

Little Girl Lost

 

I am often asked why I am still single.  I'm told that I am smart, funny, beautiful, fun, etc.  It is hard to explain to someone who asks why.  I know why.

I hesitate to write this as it may seem that I hate my family or others but it isn't true.  I love everyone.  (Well, not that crazy bitch...some of you know who I mean.)

In all seriousness, no one is really at fault for how I feel.  We cannot change the past but we can have an understanding of how things were and how we now deal with feelings and situations.

And with that being said....

I've been in therapy for awhile before I had a full understanding of why I choose men who abandoned me.  My therapist was very good at asking the right questions and interpreting my answers in order to help me stop the cycle.

After my last break up I was deeply hurt.  I thought everything was good and never thought that he would do what he did to me.  But he did.

I sought out help.

What I learned is why I am still single.

My choices in relationships all stemmed from my relationship with my parents.  I had learned that my mother was extremely narcissistic and controlling.  I was conditioned to understand that receiving her love was more like a transaction.  If I didn't conform to her wishes, her love was taken from me.  I saw her do it repeatedly to others and my biggest fear was losing her love for me.  

It was such a fucked up way to grow up.  I thought that if I was a certain way, I would be loved, not just by my mom, but by everyone.

I had met my aunt and uncle for lunch once and my aunt told my kids that I was such a loving child.  Every time that they would come to visit, I would run to them for hugs and kisses.  Tears stung my eyes.  Thinking back to those times I realized that I was such a love starved child, I just wanted to be hugged and feel unconditional love from someone.

I never was hugged by my mother.  Her hugs were always cheek to cheek.  I never heard praise.  It was usually a comment that "you could have done better" or she would make it a point to tell me that she always did it better.  

At the time I never thought it was a wrong way to be loved.  For me, it was normal.

When I became the age for dating and boyfriends, it became a nightmare.

I was in the mindset that love came with conditions and expectations and if those weren't met, then it wasn't love.  Being in relationships was always incredibly stressful for me.

My father was pretty stand-offish.  I do think my mom had some contribution to the relationship I have with my father.  She demanded that she came first and if I didn't chose her, there was always mental hell to pay.

I wish that my father was more caring.  It seems that he wanted perfect kids, correcting our English, no laughing at the table, no asking how our day was. (At least that is what I remember.)  He never hugged us or tucked us in at night.

My father always seemed to love everyone else.  He was always good to others, willing to help them and even hug them.  I held in so much anger because these people got the attention from my father that I had wished he had given me.

My parents fought verbally and sometimes physically.  

Not only did I have a fucked up view of love, my view of relationships was even more fucked up.

Again, at the time, it was my normal.  I figured that the Brady family was abnormal and no one really lived like that.

I cannot go back and redo my choices in relationships.  I am sad that I gave two men two very beautiful children and those men were incapable to see me needing their love.

I am thankful that my children didn't grow up not getting hugs and goodnight kisses.  I did make it a point to never let my kids grow up like I did.

I am also sad that I didn't get help sooner.

The difficult thing now is learning to accept love from others.  I cannot even explain how hard it is to allow people to love me without thinking that there is a condition attached to it.

I had been getting better.  I tell friends that I love them and I feel them love me.  I am even learning to love myself for the shit show I think that I am.

There was a huge set back recently that sent me into a tailspin.

My father was visiting.  I have always looked forward to seeing him as I thought we were working on the relationship that we have.  We have had talks about the past but I don't think he really understands the toxic environment that we were all in.

He had a little too many spirits and told some of my new friends that I was not a good person and that I was a "jerk".  That was so hurtful as I didn't want them thinking that I was just putting a fake side forward.

Someone walked in the club and he wrapped his arms around her and said how good it was to see her.  I held back tears.

He told people that I hadn't seen in 30 years that I didn't deserve the car that my son bought me.

I probably will never understand why he feels the way he does or why he doesn't see the hurt he caused me.  I also don't understand why he never took what we talked about to heart.

I love my dad but at the same time I don't want to let him hurt me anymore.

It's hard.

For most of my life I have feel like a very unlovable little girl just desperate for someone to love me.

As the same time, I have walls up so high because I don't want to keep being hurt.

I've been keeping to myself and licking my wounds as I have been doing for many years.

Someday I hope that someone will see me though a little hole in my wall and just love me unconditionally.  Because if they can do that, they would have all the love that I've been holding back.

His Voice

 

I actually heard him before I saw him.  His voice is the very same that once whispered in my ear, the very same that laughed with mine, the very same that lied.

He didn't see me.  I made sure if that.  If we had made eye contact, I am not sure what would have happened and I just am not ready to find out.

I knew I would run into him eventually.  I knew he had moved back to our hometown and it isn't a very large place.  Hell, technically, we live on a freaking island.

It was eight years ago that we last spoke, but my ears could tell, it was him.  I took a peek to see and it was him but only fatter and his hair was growing in a ring instead of being bald.  I made sure that he wouldn't see me.  I had my mask on and my hair over my eyes.  I am still not prepared for a polite hello or even a nod.

A punch to the head maybe.....

It is amazing how just a simple sound can trigger such an emotion.  Everything flooded back into the forefront of my mind.  The memory of an immense hurt and feelings of inadequacy, such a powerful emotion to feel.

I've been through therapy and worked hard at getting my strength back.  I have learned that what happened was not due to anything that I had done.  Cheaters and liars do what they do because of their own demons and they take apart anyone in their wake.

That instant of hearing his voice, triggered that one instance of going back to the place before I got help, that one instance of feeling small and insignificant.  I felt that I wasn't enough once again.  It was a dark place that I really didn't want to encounter again.

Seriously though, there wasn't anything special about him.  He is an ordinary man, doing an ordinary job in a small town.  He isn't a prince or even important.  He just was him.

And yet, during our time, he was mine and I trusted everything.  I believe everything.  

But that was my side of the coin....

A different reality was happening on his side.

I will never truly understand why he was the way he was with me.  I never will.  I can't just ask him because he holds no truth.

Sometimes I wish that he would know my truth.  How I was left and how broken I was.  I wish he could know how much hurt his deceit had caused.  Perhaps it really doesn't matter now. 

It's been eight years.  Eight long years of trying to figure out how to trust again.  How to open up and show my heart.  How to let someone in.  Even now, I still don't know if I can fully do it.  My heart hurts in fear just typing it.

Not everyone is my ex.  <-- I need that on a card or something to remind myself.

It is still strange how his voice is what I heard first after so many years.  It caused me to stumble a little, but I am good now.

Being Single Mom

I don't brag much.

I never see the point.  I don't need a pat on the back or sympathy.

I'm a single mom.

I have been for many years.

It is a struggle, a constant struggle.

I am so fortunate to have kids that turned out so great.  They could have been such different people without my sacrifices.

My son is now an engineer.  He has his head on straight.  He works hard and is smart with his money.

My daughter is a straight A student and is on path to graduate with honors.  She works, has a boyfriend and still manages to get constant As throughout her high school career.

I am amazed by both.

It has never been easy.  It is so hard to be strong for them while over coming obstacles, many of which were put in my path by their fathers.

I am sure some of you are reading this and thinking about their fathers.  Both fathers chose to bow out.  They left turmoil and unknowns behind.  They left me to deal with late night vomit, heartbreaks, homework, deadlines, school projects, fundraisers, practices, no money, utility shutoffs, and homelessness.

These fathers never had to make decisions, never signed field trip slips.  They never offered to coach soccer.  They never had to make sure the kids had to get to school on time.  There never had to be around when a meltdown started.

I have learned enough about cars to encourage my son's love of them.

I've struggled with money.  I have wondered how to put food on the table.  I've even been evicted by my daughter's father. 

I gave up on my own dreams, my own sanity, my own happiness for the sake of raising good kids.  

I think I've earned the right to brag a little.

I have managed to raise successful adults.

It hasn't been easy.

Never Really Been Loved by a Hand That Touched Me

It's about two hours before the New Year here.  I am sitting home alone in bed drinking a glass of cola.

Exciting eh?

Lately I've had a lot on my mind about my single status. 

I turned fourty eight a week ago.  I think my last relationship was about 6ish years ago.  It ended badly.  He lied and cheated.  It has taken me a long time to get past it.

Maybe I'm not past it.

The lyrics of a Matchbox 20 song, Push, roll around in my head.

"And I don't know if I've ever been really loved by a hand that touched me,

And I feel like something's gonna give,

And I'm a little bit angry."

Looking back on all the past years I don't think I have ever really been loved.  I have been told that I was loved but I've never felt it.

I have never had a man care about my well being or my feelings or even bent over backwards to do something nice for me.

I've been married twice and have never had a romantic proposal.  One was where he tossed the ring on the table and the other came home drunk and just said "let's get married".  

What the hell?

I've been taken advantage of, cheated on, left, used and just treated like a non-person.

I'm angry about it.

I am a good person with a big heart.  

However, the heart is very guarded.  My eyes well up with tears as I type this because it is so sad to realize the truth.

Sometimes I wonder why no one asks me out to dinner or a movie.  Or when they ask me out, it seems that they have a hidden agenda.  I sense sexual over tones in messages and turn them down.

I'm an empath, its what I do.

All this time, I never followed my senses.  I thought that if someone got to know me, they would love me.  They would want my love.

It never happened that way.

So here I sit alone again.

Why Dating Sites Make Great Blog Fodder

The kids told me (not asked me but told me) to start dating again.  They worry that I will be lonely (translation: I need help around the house.) when they are gone.

I haven't dated anyone since my break up (a bad one, mind you) with "he shall who shall not be named".

The break up caused a bit of heartache and also left my head really messed up since the issues with that relationship didn't surface until shortly (well, right after) that break up happened.

Anyway....

I decided to sign up on the dating site where I once was a while back.  I met some cool guys who remain my friends today.  I also met someone I fell in love with until he did a dumb ass thing and I fell out of love with him.

I signed up about 30 hours ago.

^^^^ see that ^^^^

30 hours

I received several messages.  Some were worth responding to and I even let one guy text me.  This one guy asked to be friends on Facebook.

I agreed.  I mean, what could it hurt?

right????

Well...

This jackwagon goes through my photos, texts me how gorgeous I am.  I politely thank him for the compliment.  (Silently, I wondered if he was blind).  Then all of a sudden he texts me saying that he couldn't figure me out.

huh?

I didn't know I needed figuring.

I am not a math problem.

So I questioned him.

He said that he didn't think I was serious about dating anyone and that he thinks I am wasting men's time by being there. 

Huh???

Yeah....ok....

He got that from the few texts and exchanges on the damn dating site.

hrrrrmmmmm....He must be Dr. Joyce Brothers in disguise.  Who is wasting who's time here buddy?

So I confronted him.

This is what he read.....ready????

"I don't have any tattoos because I'm not a fam of pain or commitment.  Pretty much the same reasons I'm not in a relationship"

Apparently he didn't get my sense of humor and promptly "unfriended" me.

He also isn't getting any more correspondence from me either.

Oh and...I also removed my profile from the dating site.

Ain't nobody got time for that.

*sigh*

Pringle Economics

I wrote a whole entry and it made me cry so I just saved it in my documents for another time.

I'm going through a rough time lately.

This isn't good when you suffer from depression.

Nope, not good at all.

And to make it worse, I just can't mope on the couch all day and just be depressed.  Oh no, I have to go out into the world and fake it.  Not fake depression, I mean fake not being depressed.  (you knew what I meant, right?)

Money is an issue right now.  I have a job, a good job but the paycheck doesn't go as far as it used to.  I am even spending less.  I am blaming the president (or the government).  I wasn't this broke four years ago.  

Think about it for a minute...and you democrats who think I am bashing him because he is a democrat, you are wrong.  I would bash anyone who doesn't help my paycheck go as far as it used to.

Four years ago a can of Pringles was about 99 cents.  Today they are almost 2 bucks.  

I'll give you a second to digest that.....

Who can afford Pringles these days?

Ok, now how about gas?

Or how about toilet paper?

Try an orange.....

Get my drift?

It sucks.

You know I make $500 too much a month to qualify for any sort of assistance?

I have to creatively budget my money for 6 months for me to even get my hair done while people who don't work can afford to not only get their hair done but also their nails, toes and their upper lip waxed.

I am working and not getting anywhere.  I almost want to quit my job and go back to Walmart so I make the minimum to qualify for state aid on shit.

Seriously.

Where are the programs to help single parents who are working to provide a good home, food and clothes for their kids?

It just pisses me off.

and upsets me....

a lot.