"Funny" Does Not Translate Into "Happy"

I wasn't going to mention Robin Williams but I guess I just did.

Seems that the whole world is buzzing about it.  It also seems that many are also mentioning suicide and posting links to hotlines and such.

Not to be a negative Nancy, because it is all quite nice and all, but why wait to say something after someone famous dies at their own hands? 

Many of us suffer from depression.  I have written about it numerous times.  I struggle daily with it.  It isn't something that you can just make all better with pills and conversation.

Trust me....

To describe actual depression to someone is almost impossible.  We each feel it differently and yet similarly at the same time.  We try all sorts of methods to keep it in check.  We talk about it, write about it, sing about it.  It is just still there.

Sometimes it becomes too intrusive and we have to go the drastic route to eliminate it.

And that's unfortunate.

I haven't been blogging much.

I have been struggling with my own issues.  Life hasn't been too grand.  It has been downright shitty.

I am amazed at how well I am holding up.  

I did take a time out from Facebook though.  This always helps. People are shitty.  They may not think that they are, but....  Well, you know.

I get sick of hearing about other peoples shitty lives.  I get sick of people passing judgments.  I get sick of all of the negativity.  I get so sick of the narcissism. I get sick of all the happy posts too.

None of this shit is good for those of us who have depression.

There just ain't a big enough pill for that.

I find that taking the time to focus on other things helps.  I start reading more, creating more, getting out more...everything else more and FB less just helps. 

I suppose I could write out all of the shitty shit that I have been dealing with but seriously, no one needs to read it.  I am not looking for sympathy or solutions.  I certainly don't need another anonymous letter showing up.

It's my shit and I'll deal with it.

I just want others to know that depression sucks.  You can say poor Robin, he was battling some serious shit....blah blah blah.  Yep, he was and that shit won.

Those of us who suffer from depression tend to mask it rather well.  We sometimes are silent.  Some of us tend to use humor.  I think some of the funniest people are also the most depressed.  

When reading some posts about Robin and so many people can't understand why someone who was so funny would want to kill themselves.  

I know exactly why.

Funny does not translate into happy.

You know that bowling ball?

I carry around a lot of hurt with me.  I tend to hide it but it's there.

It feels like a big old bowling ball on top of my chest.

I guess I've been through a lot in the last year or so.

My break-up still affects me.  I carry around that hurt and can't seem to quite let it go.  I can't put my finger on what triggers it.  I am afraid to meet men or date anyone.  It isn't because I am afraid that they will pull the same crap on me.  I think his words "I just don't love you" hang on to tight.  I can't seem to shake that "unlovable" feeling.  It is that image in the mirror that stares back at me, that unlovable person that I see. 

I need to work on that.

When we first learned that mom was sick, I understood how bad it was from the beginning.  The doctor said that there was a mass on her lung and that it didn't look good, I didn't need more tests to understand that she wasn't going to get better.  Five months later she was gone.  I haven't really cried or grieved her death.  I don't understand why I haven't done it.  I can't make myself do it either.  It doesn't work that way.

I do miss her though.  I miss not having her to talk to.  I can't believe I miss having her tell me what to do.  Big things have happened for me and she just isn't here to tell.  Telling other people isn't the same either.  I don't know if it just because I am the oldest child and she talked to me more. (I don't know what kinds of relationships she had with my brother and sister.)

I just know I miss her.

In between the break-up and my mom's passing I had something happen with my former employer.  It seemed pretty shitty to me.  I tried holding myself together during the tough times and I tried not to be a horrible employee but when a co-worker does something shitty behind your back while you are going through something shitty, everything just becomes shitty.  And then HR gets involved.....I am still a little angry about it.

I did something about it and I now work some where else.  :-)

I still don't know how to deal with the bowling ball of hurt.  I keep wondering when I will be happy again.  I wonder when that switch will flip on.