What Do I Want to be When I Grow Up?

 I was digging in a box and came across one of my scrapbooks that my mom made with things from when I was a little kid.  There were things like valentine cards from kindergarten, birthday cards, report cards and a few of my early drawings.

One drawing must have been an assignment from kindergarten.  The caption on the drawing is "I want to be a farm girl".

Most likely is was a prompt "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Thinking about it now, kids are asked...what do you want to be?

Firemen, police officer, teacher, scientist, mail carrier.....

Not one of us ever thought...

I want to be happy.

We were pushed into career choices at such a young age.  We gear our education towards a career.  We aim for a career.

We never aim to be happy.

For most of my life, I have battled severe depression.  I have attempted careers.  None have resulted in happiness.  Some have resulted in the feeling of failure.

Why aren't we encouraging our children to be happy?

I remember my mother's reaction about wanting to be a farm girl.  She said that I really didn't want to be one.  I should be someone who makes money and support myself.  Happiness was never a thought.  If she would have just said, just as long as you are happy, that is what is important.

Looking back on some of my "life choices", I realize that they really weren't my own choices.

I really wanted to go to school to mold my creativity into something that would give me joy..... happiness.

If you are happy, are you really poor?

Now I am spending a majority of my time creating.  I work long hours and give up plans in order to finish an idea.  I lost my job but so far, I am able to support myself.

I may not be entirely happy, but it is a start.

Being Single Mom

I don't brag much.

I never see the point.  I don't need a pat on the back or sympathy.

I'm a single mom.

I have been for many years.

It is a struggle, a constant struggle.

I am so fortunate to have kids that turned out so great.  They could have been such different people without my sacrifices.

My son is now an engineer.  He has his head on straight.  He works hard and is smart with his money.

My daughter is a straight A student and is on path to graduate with honors.  She works, has a boyfriend and still manages to get constant As throughout her high school career.

I am amazed by both.

It has never been easy.  It is so hard to be strong for them while over coming obstacles, many of which were put in my path by their fathers.

I am sure some of you are reading this and thinking about their fathers.  Both fathers chose to bow out.  They left turmoil and unknowns behind.  They left me to deal with late night vomit, heartbreaks, homework, deadlines, school projects, fundraisers, practices, no money, utility shutoffs, and homelessness.

These fathers never had to make decisions, never signed field trip slips.  They never offered to coach soccer.  They never had to make sure the kids had to get to school on time.  There never had to be around when a meltdown started.

I have learned enough about cars to encourage my son's love of them.

I've struggled with money.  I have wondered how to put food on the table.  I've even been evicted by my daughter's father. 

I gave up on my own dreams, my own sanity, my own happiness for the sake of raising good kids.  

I think I've earned the right to brag a little.

I have managed to raise successful adults.

It hasn't been easy.

That Damn Knee

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Depression has always been my nemesis.  I have openly and honestly admitted it.  I write about it.  I talk about it.

What I've been feeling lately isn't exactly depression.  It is just an odd feeling.

I get testy and snappy.  

I feel like crying one minute and the next I'm fine.

I have a lot going on.

My job has been keeping me busy.  I work dumb hours.  I wake up at 3 am to get to work by 4.  I'm supposed to be done around 1 pm.  

Note the word "supposed".

I've been adjusting to my new schedule and the brutal, physical demands of what I do.

Wait...I should say most of me has been adjusting.

My left knee has been noticeably protesting.  

I saw the orthopedic surgeon today.  The same handsome doctor that fixed it nine years ago.  We did some x-rays and we looked at the x-rays.  Both of us said almost in unison, "that looks kind of ugly". 

The knee joint is basically bone on bone.

This explains all of the pain.

I knew it.

I left his office with a promise that I would consider having the joint replaced.

I went and sat in my car and cried.

That odd feeling.

Who do I talk to about it?  Who do I go to when I have things to decide?  If I had it done, who would help me? 

All of the questions just came flooding in with a very noticeable feeling of odd.

I'm alone.

99% of my time is spent alone.

Hell, I'm alone right now.

(The dog doesn't count.)

My mom is no longer around to talk to.  My dad is suffering from his own aliments.  

How do I decide when and if I should get this damn knee taken care of?  What do I do for money when I can't work?  Who would lead my team?  How will I climb the stairs to my apartment?

So many dumb questions....

And then this overwhelming feeling of loneliness.

Damn knee

My Brain is Driving Me Crazy

These last few days I have been having a depression flare up.  I hate that.  I brace myself for it and just hang on until it passes.

Sometimes the weather triggers it and then sometimes the hormones go all whack-a-doo.

Sometimes my kids demand more from me than I want to give.

Sometimes it isn't anything at all.

This time it is a little different.

My brain won't shut up.

I guess we can call it the voices in my head and we can all chuckle about it....but it really isn't' funny.

I miss my therapist for things like this.

I find myself thinking that there has to be more to my life than just this.  Work, sleep, work, sleep....minimal fun time, minimal relax time.  I want an adventure.  I want to do something bold.  I want more to my life than just this.

I read some where that when you find yourself thinking this way that you should make the change.  

Yes, but that shit is scary.

I also find myself in a mental struggle in wanting to tell someone how I feel but I am afraid of the reaction.  I am afraid of rejection.  I am mostly afraid of getting hurt....again.

That shit is scary too.

I look in the mirror and wonder how anyone could want to be with me.  I feel ugly.  I look tired.  I also have the hidden crazy inside too.

ugh....

I struggle with work.  I like what I do and I work hard at it.  I am scared that I am not doing the right thing or that I will piss someone off.  I also am afraid that I just might tell off a customer who really deserves it.  Some of my coworkers also need a reality slap to the head.

People are assholes.

Even worse, they don't care that they are assholes.

I have a big trip coming up on behalf of the company.  I am honored to be chosen to represent the store and have the opportunity to feel like a bigger part of the picture.  Travel always gives me anxiety.  I fear getting lost or missing a flight.  I fear I won't find a ride to where I need to stay.  I fear I will forget to pack something that I really need.  I am always afraid that I won't have enough money.

Stupid, eh?

Maybe it is the fears that are driving me nuts.

But then again, the brain eggs on the fears.

My brain tells me that I don't deserve a great relationship.  It tells me that I deserve this mundane life. It also tells me that I will miss my flight.  

Oh there are so many other things it tells me but I would be here for months typing it all out.

I read all sorts of self help crap.

Ask for what you want.  See it, do it.  A successful trip is well planned.  Fear is nothing but an illusion.  blah blah blah

I know, I'm making excuses.  I need to work through all this crap in my head.

I am stronger than the voices.  (haha)

I've rambled on enough about it.

Besides, my brain is tired.

Like a Babbling Brook

I've been staring at this blank page for awhile.

I want to write. (I need to write.)  Words just escape me.

I guess I will just type and hope that it makes sense.

Things aren't right with me.  They haven't been for some time.  I know something is up but can't put my finger quite on it.

I tend to blame my depression.  (That dirty bastard)  But it isn't just the depression.

Stress had been a big cause.

I have a lot of it and it has been hard to deal with.

Being single and not having anyone to take some of the burden away doesn't help.

Being single and being a mom doesn't help.

Being a good worker and trying to be perfect doesn't help.

All of the burdens fall on my shoulders.  My back is getting that huge fist like knot in the upper middle and my head aches all of the time.  The brain doesn't shut up.  Sleeping pills aren't working.  My health is deteriorating.  My eye even exploded the other day.  (Sounds more dramatic than it really was but the blood vessels in my eye popped)

My doctor doesn't like the fact that my blood pressure is super high and has been for quite some time.  And she tells me to make dietary changes, lose some more weight (duh) and relax.

RELAX!!!!!

(hahahahahaha....excuse me while I wipe a tear)

How in the hell am I supposed to relax?

She suggested yoga.....in my spare time.......

yup, that's going to work well

I wish I could afford a vacation.

I go in on Tuesday to find out just how serious the stress has damaged my body.  I worry about that now.

I get several tips like:

Take a bath (I loathe baths....LOATHE them)
Take a walk (I limp like a gimpy bastard and it hurts)
Take a nap (Hello, sleeping pills don't help me sleep)
Pet the cat (He's a grumpy mother f**ker)
Paint or color (pft...I painted to whole damn kitchen.....twice)
Go for a ride (um, gas ain't 99 cents anymore)

Yeah yeah....I'm full of excuses.  

But seriously, all of the above and even some tips I haven't even mentioned are only temporary distractions from the more serious stresses.  

These stresses seem so colossal that they will never fully subside.

I can only keep hoping that something gives and I find some relief from everything that is worrisome. I also hope to find a way to get some zen.

(sorry about the long babble...sometimes just writing helps)

Crab Nuggets in Aisle 4

Typically, most days, I love what I do.

I mean for like 18 out of 24 hours a day, I love what I do.

That's pretty good I think.

I hear a lot of people pissing and moaning that they hate their jobs.  Hate is a pretty strong word, right?

I suppose you get where I am going with this.

But there are just some times where I'm driving and it's quiet and my head wanders and I am talking to myself and, and....and.....

I come up with things like:

"I'm fairly smart and creative, why can't I just start my own business?"

or

"There's got to be more to my life than just this."

I guess I tend to wish that I could figure out how to do something I love and get paid for it to the point where it just doesn't feel like work.

People have been just down right crabby lately.  Customers, co-workers, bosses.....you name it, they are CRABBY.

To the point where I can't stand to be around any of them.

It is hard for a person who has depression to keep her shit in check with all of the negativity flying around.  

If I could run a business from home and do what I love without dodging crab nuggets all freaking day long, that would be just great.

Maybe I just need a vacation....or a margarita......or both.

sigh

It Has Been Awhile

I am still here...barely.

It has been a super crazy few weeks since my last post.

I bought the house that I moved out of ten years ago.  Moving back in what quite a chore.  Painting, cleaning and more painting and more cleaning.  Had a few issues with a sump pump and a smelly basement.  Ya know, boring stuff.

Work has been absolutely nuts.  My sales have increased tremendously which means more work.

We got a puppy.

and I need a vacation.

I Don't Always Have Strength

Despite the pain killer and the sleeping pills, I have insomnia.

I used to have insomnia all the time.  It has been more rare over the last few years however it has reared it's ugly head for the last two nights.

I have been working pretty hard; long hours on my feet, weird shifts, and overnights.

Yesterday morning I came home from work and while I was changing out of my stinky clothes I noticed that my left big toe was ugly...well, uglier than usual.

It was painful to touch it and it was an angry red.  The toenail appeared to be green underneath.  I knew it was bad and probably should be looked at by a doctor.

I went to sleep for a few hours.  I got up to pick up my daughter from school and we took my toe to the walk in clinic.

The toe was infected and the nail had to be removed.  It was gross and painful and gained a huge bandage the size of a light bulb.  I was given prescriptions, instructions, gauze, wrap, crutches and a note to miss work for the next day.

But this whole toe thing isn't what this entry is about.

I have a friend who tells me that she admires my strength.  I've been through some pretty tough times and haven't lost my mind completely.

But lately I don't feel very strong.

I have been crying off and on.  I don't sleep.  I don't feel like eating.

The depression is coming to surface again.

When I do sleep, I dream of my mom.  

I miss her when I am hurting....physically and mentally.  Well, I miss her all the time but more so when things turn shitty.

She used to come and stay with me some times and I used to go to see her when I needed a break from things.

My toe triggered this feeling again.  Even though there are so many other things draining me at the moment, it is like the weight that broke the camel's back.

It seems as if I have no one to talk to about my feelings lately.  I feel kind of lost and I wish something would just give a little.

  

*sigh*

What's a Vacation?

It seems like forever since I have had some sort of significant vacation.

I don't think I have ever had one where I completely unwound from life's little stresses.

It may very well be a long long time before I even get a vacation.

Things just have been building up and they never ever really get resolved or any sort of relief.

I love my job but it does have its stressful moments.  I often consider taking my "damn it" doll with me in the morning.  It is this cloth doll that is ugly and you are supposed to choke it or hit someone with it when you are irritated.  Someday Damn It will have his very own blog entry.

I love my kids but as anyone knows, who has kids, that they can be little bundles of stress themselves.  Just today my daughter comes home from Ash Wednesday services with her dad just ranting and yelling about how she is never going to church again....ever.  She lit into me because I was trying to make an Oreo Torte and I have no idea why that had any connection with church, but um....ok.

Seriously....its an Oreo Torte.  Back off, crab ass. 

I love my guinea pigs but the new pig is a total shit head.  He is young and doesn't understand the house rules yet.  The new pig is still trying to make himself known and chatters a lot and runs around the pen, making a racket.  The older pig has about enough of the new pig.  I think I even saw him eyeball my damn it doll to whack the noobie.

I don't love where I live but hey, its a roof over my head and the rent is cheap.  But the damn neighbors are pissing me off.  The downstairs asshole screamed and swore at me for parking in "his" space.  Um....we don't have assigned spaces. The neighbors next door play this funny game called "Let's See Who Can Yell the Loudest".  If they keep it up, they will learn that the winner will be me.

Oh and I can't forget about my daily dose of pain with my teeth.  I need to have oral surgery to have four removed, prepped for implants, and some serious fixing done.  This doesn't come cheap even with insurance.  To get started, I need to have $1500 up front.  So this means that I have to wait to have any sort of relief from the pain.  My diet consists of ibuprofen,Tylenol, Vicodin, penicillin, mashed potatoes, pudding and occasional cottage cheese.

I think I just need a break.

Oy!

Stingy

I haven't written in awhile.

I do miss it and during random parts of my day, I think...."I should blog about that".

Then I get home, exhausted, hungry and uninspired.

It is sad but I always say that if I don't come home from work tired, I didn't do my job right.

Anyway, that isn't why I decided to write.

I have realized that I have become very stingy with my free time.  I see many people every day.  I talk to strangers.  I help them find what they are looking for.  I talk to my coworkers.  I help them every day with this and that.

When I get home.  I want my time.

It is kind of weird.

I sometimes don't even want to talk on the phone.

Time is something that I don't have much of.

On my days off, I like to sit and do my own thing.  I have even pulled out my beads and crap to start working on my creative jive again.

On another thought....isn't stingy a funny word?

Crapload of Easter Candy

I will openly admit that I hate Peeps.  You know, those marshmallow, yellow, squishy bird like sugary things that only come out for Easter.

Why just Easter and who in the hell eats those things?

Anyway...

Why am I blabbling on about Peeps?

I worked at another store today because they have a crapload (big backroom hallway full) of Easter candy and no where to put it.

Well, John and I found places to put it but there is still a crapload there.

I worked twelve hours today (well 11 hours because I clocked out for lunch).

Yeah, long day at another store about an hour away.

It was tiring but good.  I welcomed the opportunity to go and do this sort of thing.  I think that working hard is the only way to climb the ladder.

I know, ladders and I don't mix.  (Guess you need to know a story behind that, but that is another blog).

My goal is to climb the ladder.  My whole thing about returning to Walmart after 20 years is because I loved it so much the first time (stupid reason for quitting).  I should have never left.

It makes a big difference when you enjoy what you do because it makes long, exhausting days so much easier to deal with.

So on that note.....

Bed is calling 

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzpeepsblechzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I Don't Work at All

When I had lost my job, I was shocked.  (but not super shocked, I didn't like the job and it showed)

It isn't easy being fired.  It beings emotions of not being good enough or being a loser.  Truth be told, many successful people have been fired.  Google it if you want.

When I was down and out, I decided to make a list of all of the jobs I had over the years:

Babysitter
Custodian
Student Research Assistant
Administrative Assistant
Walmart Associate (CSM)
Laundry Cleaner
Hostess
Busser
Bartender
Waitress
Financial Aid Employee
Order Entry Clerk
Club Manager Assistant
YMCA Guest Services

The list goes on and on....I held many hats over my lifetime.

The point of my list was to help me figure out which job made me the happiest.  Which job did I enjoy doing despite the compensation.  Which job I wanted to focus on.

This helped me target my next employer.

I loved my Walmart job the most with being a hostess as a close second.

Then I listed why I liked this (these) job(s) the most.

It was simply because I enjoy customer service and not being tied to a desk for eight hours a day.

I worked for Walmart in the mid 90's.  This was before I had kids and I was able to work the whacky hour schedule and I could live on a minimum amount of money.  I loved the people I worked with.  I still see a few of them when I stop in my old store.  They welcome me with hugs and smiles.  They ask how everything is and then they ask when I am coming back.  This always makes me feel good about the type of people that Walmart hires.

So I decided to apply again at a store closer to where I live now.  I didn't expect too much as I thought that they might think I was more of the office type since I haven't done customer service in a million years.

A week later I was offered a job in the sporting goods/automotive department.

I was stunned and happily accepted.  

I was nervous of course since it meant a pay cut from what I was used to and the hours aren't the typical 9 to 5.  

I was also nervous because I was afraid that I lost my customer service touch.

It was been almost two months since I started there and in these two months I have received many compliments from my supervisors on my job performance.  I also have such great satisfaction in talking with do many different people on a daily basis and helping them find what they need.  

Now this may seem silly and kind of dumb for someone to enjoy their job at Walmart but what really matters is that so many people have jobs because they just pay the bills.  People go to a job where they don't enjoy it.

I finally can say that I love what I do so it really isn't work at all.

If She Can Do It, Why Can't I....

This weekend included a vendor fair in which I was selling my hand crafted bows and charms and other fun little items.

One of the other vendors was with Origami Owl.  As a maker of little fun items, naturally I was intrigued.  I went back to her table several times and learned the scoop on the company and its founder and how it worked and a whole bunch of other interesting tidbits.

The one thing that had me was that the founder was a teenage girl.  This girl is now a muli-millionaire at the age of 17.

What. The. Hell....

She is 17.

I am 44.

I have always dreamed about starting my own business.  Not necessarily for the money aspect (although that would be awesome) but for the whole reason of not having to work by anyone else's rules.

I am thinking about joining the Origami Owl team but at the same time I wonder about coming up with my own thing instead of selling someone else's thing.

It gives me so much to think about.

I have been reading so many books and blogs about starting up a business.  I have also been reading up on how to target your dreams and make them into a reality.  

My head is literally swimming with so many thoughts.  It is making me nuts.

I feel it in my heart that if I just find what makes me the happiest, I can truly make it into something successful.

Currently I am just crafting and selling on Etsy....

https://www.etsy.com/shop/Inspiralicious?ref=si_shop

But....there may be something else that would be an even better idea coming.

I can just feel it.

Hell, if she can do it, I can do it.  ;-)

You know that bowling ball?

I carry around a lot of hurt with me.  I tend to hide it but it's there.

It feels like a big old bowling ball on top of my chest.

I guess I've been through a lot in the last year or so.

My break-up still affects me.  I carry around that hurt and can't seem to quite let it go.  I can't put my finger on what triggers it.  I am afraid to meet men or date anyone.  It isn't because I am afraid that they will pull the same crap on me.  I think his words "I just don't love you" hang on to tight.  I can't seem to shake that "unlovable" feeling.  It is that image in the mirror that stares back at me, that unlovable person that I see. 

I need to work on that.

When we first learned that mom was sick, I understood how bad it was from the beginning.  The doctor said that there was a mass on her lung and that it didn't look good, I didn't need more tests to understand that she wasn't going to get better.  Five months later she was gone.  I haven't really cried or grieved her death.  I don't understand why I haven't done it.  I can't make myself do it either.  It doesn't work that way.

I do miss her though.  I miss not having her to talk to.  I can't believe I miss having her tell me what to do.  Big things have happened for me and she just isn't here to tell.  Telling other people isn't the same either.  I don't know if it just because I am the oldest child and she talked to me more. (I don't know what kinds of relationships she had with my brother and sister.)

I just know I miss her.

In between the break-up and my mom's passing I had something happen with my former employer.  It seemed pretty shitty to me.  I tried holding myself together during the tough times and I tried not to be a horrible employee but when a co-worker does something shitty behind your back while you are going through something shitty, everything just becomes shitty.  And then HR gets involved.....I am still a little angry about it.

I did something about it and I now work some where else.  :-)

I still don't know how to deal with the bowling ball of hurt.  I keep wondering when I will be happy again.  I wonder when that switch will flip on.