Write Like No One is Reading

I wish I could write like I used to.  It was so easy to put my thoughts out there.  It always helped to clear my head.  Hell, I have blogged for years.  I used to blog on MySpace.  (Remember MySpace?)

Now, since I've received a few anonymous letters in the mail dissing me because of what I write, I tend to second guess everything.  I friggin hate that.

So, I am just going to type away and see where this goes.

It is going to be a pain in the ass though because I am blogging on an iPad.

Today I spent time trying to be distracted.  I have a court hearing tomorrow for something totally bullshit.  This is something I won't type about until it's over because sometimes shit can go south and if it does, I'm going to need to vent.

I also have a lot going on in my head.

Lately ive been feeling stuck.  I am tired of living the way I live.  I'm lonely.  I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm confused.

Why is life so difficult?

I thought I deserved better. I work hard. I studied hard. I love hard. I care about people.

None of it seems to matter.

How do other people do it?

I have goals and dreams.  How in the hell do I achieve them?

I guess this will need more thought.

My depression hasn't been too horrible.  I've been trying to do all the right things like eating right, sleeping right, doing my hobby, yadda yadda.  So there's that.

I'm hoping tomorrow goes well and then I'll go from there.

I Don't Always Have Strength

Despite the pain killer and the sleeping pills, I have insomnia.

I used to have insomnia all the time.  It has been more rare over the last few years however it has reared it's ugly head for the last two nights.

I have been working pretty hard; long hours on my feet, weird shifts, and overnights.

Yesterday morning I came home from work and while I was changing out of my stinky clothes I noticed that my left big toe was ugly...well, uglier than usual.

It was painful to touch it and it was an angry red.  The toenail appeared to be green underneath.  I knew it was bad and probably should be looked at by a doctor.

I went to sleep for a few hours.  I got up to pick up my daughter from school and we took my toe to the walk in clinic.

The toe was infected and the nail had to be removed.  It was gross and painful and gained a huge bandage the size of a light bulb.  I was given prescriptions, instructions, gauze, wrap, crutches and a note to miss work for the next day.

But this whole toe thing isn't what this entry is about.

I have a friend who tells me that she admires my strength.  I've been through some pretty tough times and haven't lost my mind completely.

But lately I don't feel very strong.

I have been crying off and on.  I don't sleep.  I don't feel like eating.

The depression is coming to surface again.

When I do sleep, I dream of my mom.  

I miss her when I am hurting....physically and mentally.  Well, I miss her all the time but more so when things turn shitty.

She used to come and stay with me some times and I used to go to see her when I needed a break from things.

My toe triggered this feeling again.  Even though there are so many other things draining me at the moment, it is like the weight that broke the camel's back.

It seems as if I have no one to talk to about my feelings lately.  I feel kind of lost and I wish something would just give a little.

  

*sigh*

What's a Vacation?

It seems like forever since I have had some sort of significant vacation.

I don't think I have ever had one where I completely unwound from life's little stresses.

It may very well be a long long time before I even get a vacation.

Things just have been building up and they never ever really get resolved or any sort of relief.

I love my job but it does have its stressful moments.  I often consider taking my "damn it" doll with me in the morning.  It is this cloth doll that is ugly and you are supposed to choke it or hit someone with it when you are irritated.  Someday Damn It will have his very own blog entry.

I love my kids but as anyone knows, who has kids, that they can be little bundles of stress themselves.  Just today my daughter comes home from Ash Wednesday services with her dad just ranting and yelling about how she is never going to church again....ever.  She lit into me because I was trying to make an Oreo Torte and I have no idea why that had any connection with church, but um....ok.

Seriously....its an Oreo Torte.  Back off, crab ass. 

I love my guinea pigs but the new pig is a total shit head.  He is young and doesn't understand the house rules yet.  The new pig is still trying to make himself known and chatters a lot and runs around the pen, making a racket.  The older pig has about enough of the new pig.  I think I even saw him eyeball my damn it doll to whack the noobie.

I don't love where I live but hey, its a roof over my head and the rent is cheap.  But the damn neighbors are pissing me off.  The downstairs asshole screamed and swore at me for parking in "his" space.  Um....we don't have assigned spaces. The neighbors next door play this funny game called "Let's See Who Can Yell the Loudest".  If they keep it up, they will learn that the winner will be me.

Oh and I can't forget about my daily dose of pain with my teeth.  I need to have oral surgery to have four removed, prepped for implants, and some serious fixing done.  This doesn't come cheap even with insurance.  To get started, I need to have $1500 up front.  So this means that I have to wait to have any sort of relief from the pain.  My diet consists of ibuprofen,Tylenol, Vicodin, penicillin, mashed potatoes, pudding and occasional cottage cheese.

I think I just need a break.

Oy!

Not a Pity Party

Holy cow!  Two blogs back to back....must be something I ate, eh?

Yesterday I wrote about my feelings about love and how unlovable I feel.  I didn't write it to have myself a little pity part nor was I looking for sympathy.  I create most of my own problems and I realize that.

I wrote it because (well I write a lot of things) because I think others read it and think that they aren't alone in their own feelings.  Sometimes it is better when you don't feel so alone.

We all have our insecurities and fears.  We also have our own little glory moments and grand occasions.

This is life.

Life has struggles and life has people who just plain suck in it.  Life is funny that way.

I often wonder if around this time of year it is just harder for me.  The anniversary of my mom's death is right around the corner.  I think that it gets harder every year,

You know, the last thing I said to her ever was "I love you".  I meant it.  I called her on the day she died while she was being transferred to a bigger hospital.

You know, the last thing she said to me ever was "I love you too."  

That is pretty significant.

As much as that woman drive me insane some times, I loved her (well, I still love her).  She is my mom.  She will always be my mom.

I gets hard when she isn't around when life is kicking my ass.  As my sister says, "Mom always made it better."

My sister is right.

Anyway, I often think about that person who sends me anonymous notes in the mail.  Why does this person do that?  I also think about whether if it is because I write about my feelings and issues and they just seem to have their opinions.

No matter what, I will continue to write.

It is almost like therapy for me.  I sometimes refer to it as "mind dumping".  I dump out what is in my head onto the screen and hit share.

Well, this seems to be enough rambling for now.  I am tired and tomorrow is yet another day.

If Life Throws you Lemons, Pick Up More Vodka

Ha!

I love that line....the one I used for the title.

Life has been quite interesting lately.  Lots of changes all at once.

I maybe should have mentioned that I hate change.  Especially negative change, change that is stressful and ugly.

Oh well.

I moved and changed jobs again.  This is because it just happened, it wasn't my choice.

Good thing I can adapt.

I don't mind downsizing so much since it means that someone else cuts the grass and blows the snow.  I don't mind the new job because I like what I do.  I like working with actual customers and am appreciated for the work I do.

Being happy isn't about the size of your house nor is it the amount of money you make.  Being happy is about being content and stress free. 

I am slowly figuring this out.

Everything eventually becomes ok.

If She Can Do It, Why Can't I....

This weekend included a vendor fair in which I was selling my hand crafted bows and charms and other fun little items.

One of the other vendors was with Origami Owl.  As a maker of little fun items, naturally I was intrigued.  I went back to her table several times and learned the scoop on the company and its founder and how it worked and a whole bunch of other interesting tidbits.

The one thing that had me was that the founder was a teenage girl.  This girl is now a muli-millionaire at the age of 17.

What. The. Hell....

She is 17.

I am 44.

I have always dreamed about starting my own business.  Not necessarily for the money aspect (although that would be awesome) but for the whole reason of not having to work by anyone else's rules.

I am thinking about joining the Origami Owl team but at the same time I wonder about coming up with my own thing instead of selling someone else's thing.

It gives me so much to think about.

I have been reading so many books and blogs about starting up a business.  I have also been reading up on how to target your dreams and make them into a reality.  

My head is literally swimming with so many thoughts.  It is making me nuts.

I feel it in my heart that if I just find what makes me the happiest, I can truly make it into something successful.

Currently I am just crafting and selling on Etsy....

https://www.etsy.com/shop/Inspiralicious?ref=si_shop

But....there may be something else that would be an even better idea coming.

I can just feel it.

Hell, if she can do it, I can do it.  ;-)

Dirty Little Liar

Depression

Many people talk about it, many people have it, many people don't understand it.

There are many descriptions of it and how it feels to have it.  There are treatments for it.

I have had it for many many years.  Ever since I hit puberty, I have dealt with it.  Sometimes it ebbs and then there are times it flows.

This time of year is difficult.

I have the moments where I don't want to get out of bed.  I have the teary eyed drive home moments.  (The car is such a bastard because it traps me with my thoughts.)  I have the moments of insecurity and can't even stand my own reflection.  I have the "I'm so broke, I can't do anything fun" moments.  I lose interest in anything that gives me the slightest joy.  I think I have no friends or have friends that just don't give a shit.

Life becomes flat.

There is no other fix for it than just plugging through it.

I try to block out the damn lies that depression whispers in my ear.

It tells me things.

You are not good enough.  Nobody loves you.  That big zit on your face will never go away.  You will never ever have any money.  You are ugly.  You are fat.  Everyone leaves you because it is your fault.  You can't do anything right.  Your animals are going to die because you mistreat them.  Your kids think you are a failure.  You are just so stupid.  

and the list goes on....

All lies

When you are in the pit of depression, the lies become so believable.  One million people can all tell you that they are not true and tell you so many positive things but you tend to believe those whispery lies because you know you best.

Even your little helper pill doesn't help.  (citalopram, zoloft, lexapro, paxil, prozac...for examples)

So how to deal with it.

Good question

I tend to just accept it as it is and hope it passes quicker than the last bout with it.  I never have thoughts of suicide but I can see where someone may be pushed to that level.  I tend to think about running away, just disappearing into the unknown.  I start looking at other countries or places to go.  I look at job postings and plan an escape.  It takes long enough to check everything out that I kind of forget about the depression.

Funny, eh?

I know that there are so many other people who deal with depression and that is just sad in itself.  Sometimes I wonder why so many of us have to deal with it.  

This world would be such a better place if we just didn't have depression.