Men Are Abused Too

 

This past week has been a dandy one.  I am still trying to process everything.

If you have been following my blog posts, you may remember that I had an ordeal several years ago with my ex-husband's crazy girlfriend.

You can read it here --> Click Link

His crazy girlfriend is once of the most evil people I have ever encountered in my entire life.  I couldn't wait to leave that small town so I would never have to run into her again.

I always felt that something was going to happen.  Her level of crazy isn't something to take lightly.

My ex ended up marrying her.

MARRYING her!

He turned a blind eye to the little things.  Things that outsiders see more clearly.  I always was watching because my daughter's safety comes first and foremost.

I don't even know how to write everything out because as I stated, I am still processing it all.

The past few weeks, my daughter had been having issues with her anxiety and depression.  As a parent, it is hard to try to help as I am not a professional.  I called her dad many times so that we could figure out what to do as parents.  On Monday is all came to a head and on Tuesday, she got help and things seemed to be turning around.

Thursday morning I get a phone call from my ex looking for our daughter.  I went into instant panic because he never ever calls me.  He assured me that he just wanted to talk to her and that everything was fine.  I checked her GPS and told him that she is at her dorm and is probably sleeping.

Early afternoon I call a call from my daughter, there was panic in her voice and she said that her dad got the shit beat out of him.  I told her to hold on and went somewhere private to take the call.

She said that her dad's wife beat him with her cane (she had back surgery) and that he was hurt bad and that the house was trashed.  She didn't know what to do.  I asked if the cops were called and she said that he was at the police station with his brother and they were filing a report.

She said that the wife flew into a rage after learning that my ex sold our daughter's snowmobile and that he was giving the money to our daughter so she could use it for college.  

I am still in disbelief.

She beat him, bit him, destroyed several things and then beat their dog with a hand held shower thing until the dog was nearly dead.

Who does that?

I asked my daughter if there was anything I could do.  She wanted to go see her dad but I told her to hold off until the police handle everything.  I explained that the wife would be arrested and not to go anywhere near there until she was gone since my daughter seemed to be the source of her rage.

An hour later I called my daughter to see what was happening.  I asked if she was ok and she said that surprisingly, she was in a good mood.  I asked if I should come for the weekend and she said that she wanted me there.  I booked a hotel and made plans to day Friday off of work.

We kept in touch, a while later she called from her dad's and couldn't believe the amount of destruction.  Seeing the dog's blood everywhere was upsetting as well as seeing her dad with a black eye.  The wife also bit my ex.  She and her uncle were taking her dad to get looked at and to document the violence.

My daughter also said that she was going to be with her dad through out the weekend and that I should hold off on coming down.

I was amazed at the strength my daughter had at that moment.  After all that she had been suffering herself, she pulled it together.

There was once moment when she called me when she was so sick to her stomach.  I said that it was a normal reaction to seeing something so traumatic.  

We have had several conversations and more details came out.  I also became sick.

How can a human do something so horrible to another human?

I asked to talk to my ex.  I wanted to know if this happened before he called me that morning.  He said it did and that's why he was looking for our daughter.  I asked why he didn't tell me and he said he didn't want to upset me.  I explained that even though we haven't been married in over 14 years, I still cared.  He is still the father of my child.  Our child loves him dearly and it would crush her if anything happens to him.  He started crying.

He said that she had killed their other dog because the dog listened to him and not her.  He told our daughter that the dog was hit by a car.  

Its just sickening.

I knew something bad was going to happen.  I always picked up on the little indicators.  My ex had my in his contacts as "Craig" so she wouldn't get angry when I called.  He would always let me go to voice mail and call me back when he could talk in private.  He didn't want our daughter to stay at his house as it upset his wife.  There is just so many red flags I cannot even explain them all.

When I asked about why he didn't do something before it escalated to this he said that she was never this bad.  I said she was always this bad.  She was such an evil person from the beginning but he chose not to see it.

I never said "told you so" but I sure the hell thought it.

I feel for my daughter for having this happen to someone that she loves so much.  I wish I could take the pain from her.  I can only be a support for her and help her through this ordeal.

I pray that if that woman gets out of jail that she stays away from my kid otherwise she will have to deal with my wrath.

I know several people who have heard what happened ask about the dog.  He's now fine.  He has a broken jaw.  From what I suspect, I believe that he was protecting my ex and took the hardest of blows.  The dog didn't need surgery and seems to be in good spirits.

Dear Katie

Hello my darling daughter...

I know this will probably embarrass you in some way but sometimes blogging is the way I express my feelings.

Sometimes I feel like I fail as your mother.  I think that I struggle empowering you to feel like you can conquer the world.  I feel that I don't give you the strength to be strong and confident to face the days that aren't so good.  I want you to learn to be strong on the days that aren't so good.  I want you to learn to be confident on the days where you feel like falling apart.  I want you to learn to be brave on the most scariest occasions.

I know we've had some hard times.  I know that those hard times continue to haunt us.

I also feel like I need to apologize for your father and his failure to be a good dad to you.  Just know, I wish things were different but at the same time, if they were different and I had made different choices, I would't have you.

You often think that I don't care.

But I do care very much.

Some days it is hard, and you have no idea how hard it is to be a mother.

I don't make excuses but I didn't have very good role models for parents.  My own mother issues haunt me.  I never want to do to you what my own did to me.

I knew you before you were born.  I chose your name, Katherine Marlene.  I spoke to you even when you were inside me.  

I wish that you could see how I see you.

You are beautiful.  You are funny.  You are capable of great things.

I just wish that you can see that too.

I love you very much.

...... your mother

Like an Emotional Freight Train

It's coming again.

I can feel it.

Just of to the side and just out of view.

An emotional freight train.........

It has been a few weeks since my episode of unclear thinking.

I've made some effort to recognize the signs of the oncoming freight train of irrational thoughts.  There is always a threat of irrational thoughts with me.  It is just how I am.

I've built up a support system of friends and I won't be afraid to reach out if I need to.  I don't ever want to get that close to the edge again.

Sometimes I wonder how anyone could ever love me for how I am.

I mean, it isn't that I am a horrible person.  I don't pull wings off of flies to watch them suffer or anything.

I mean I do have these episodes of where I am not completely myself.

It is weird.

The thoughts are coming again.

Today I found myself staring in the mirror.  I felt hatred.  

I hate how I look.  That face staring back at me wasn't what I was used to seeing.

I don't know.

It is hard to explain the struggle sometimes.  It isn't a black and white type of thing.

I was thinking of past episodes from years ago when I used to self harm.  I never cut myself or anything like that.  It was different.  I really don't want to share it.  

It is strange to say that (type it) since I share just about everything here.

I am glad that I don't do it anymore though.

Today was just an angry day.

Angry with myself for just failing at things.  This in turn caused the emotional freight train to depart brain station.

I am going on another ride soon.

An Open Message to Mike

You know....I loved you once.

Once upon a time long ago.  Back when I trusted everything you said. 

I believed that you had loved me too. I loved you deeply and completely.  I opened myself up to you.  I never loved anyone else as much as I did you. Honestly, I didn't see myself with any other man, ever.  I looked forward to a future with you.  

You were my one and only.

Then you left.

Not just once, but twice.

Broken heart each fucking time.

I used to be a very forgiving person.  I used to trust too.  I used to be a lot of things.

Lots of past tense words, eh?

I am not that person any more.

You text me now.  You say you miss "talking" to me.

Texting isn't talking.

The fact is, I don't miss you.  I don't miss your sweet words.  I don't miss your fine talk.  I don't miss our private little jokes.  I don't miss any more of your sugar coated bull shit.


I deserve much better.

At first I couldn't figure out why, after all these years, did you choose to miss me all of a sudden.  I was baffled as to why you would poke at my heart again with an email.  

Then it dawned on me and I did some digging.  

I think you forgot how cleverly, smart I am.

I see that she's divorcing you.

Mom's Ring

I have weird dreams from time to time.  I guess it is just because I have a weird mind.

I dreamt the other night about my mom's wedding ring.  I can't remember the whole context of the dream, only the fact that I couldn't find it.

This caused me to panic the next morning.

It had been months since I last seen it.  I used to wear it on my diamond necklace since it was too small to wear on my hand.  I also never want anything to happen to it.

It is a small ring with a heart shaped diamond.  I love how simple it is and what it means.

When my mom and step dad got married, I thought it was the most meaningful thing representing their relationship.

Anyway....

The ring reminds me of her.

I know I have written in the past that my mom was extremely narcissistic, causing issues in my own relationships and yadda yadda.

From what I have read so far on the whole dynamic of daughters of narcissistic mothers, the daughters tend to hold such anger towards their mothers.

I must be different.

Understanding what may cause the narcissist to become what they are, helps me forgive anything that may have happened.

I can never hold anger.  It isn't healthy.

Everything that has happened in the past has caused me to become the person I am today.

I love my mom regardless.

I love having her ring.

A symbol of love....

Anger in Grief

I haven't blogged in awhile.

My laptop took a crap and I am using my son's, which isn't the easiest to use.  As I type, the cursor moves around and typos happen.

I also haven't had much to say.  Who wants to hear about my adventures in fondling tomatoes and inspecting bananas?

Anyway....

This time of year is graduation.  It is a happy time for families and students.

As I scrolled through my Facebook feed the other day I came across a photo of my aunt and uncle with their granddaughter.  I teared up suddenly.  My aunt looks so much like my mother.  The same salt and pepper hair, the same shape face.  I starred at the photo.  My cousin's daughter reminds me of my own with long brown hair and a wide smile.  I cried.

My mother died a few years ago from lung cancer.  I never really sobbed over it.  I don't think I grieved like you would imagine what grieving would be like.  It is weird and hard to explain.  I just expected to break down but I never did.

Back to the photo...

I think my tears came from anger.  I am angry at my mom for dying.  It is such a raw and real emotion.  It came from just picturing my own mother and daughter on Kate's graduation day.  This will never happen.

I used to think my mom would be around to share in my children's life events.

I think what angers me the most is that she was so selfish to not see a doctor sooner or to take better care of herself.  She admitted that she hadn't seen a doctor of 17 years prior to the cancer diagnosis.

Maybe is a normal feeling to be angry.

I also think I am thinking more of missing my mother because I have been through some rough times over the last couple of years.  There are times I wish I could just call her.  She had a way of talking you off the ledge and give you a sense that everything will be ok.

Sigh...