The Guarded Heart

I’ve been fighting demons again.

The struggle becomes so difficult that I’m my own enemy.  My mind becomes a weapon against me.

My walls are so damn high and I am just lost.

I need to get back into therapy before it becomes too late.

I used to love so easily and freely. I gave myself to those who didn’t deserve it, sacrificing myself in the process.

Lately I don’t even recognize myself.

I feel so unloved and unwanted, not only by others but even I don’t even want me.  I feel so unloved and closed.  I hurt.

A lot.

I don’t know what to do.

I sit in my solitude.  It is so quiet but at the same time I hear my mind just screaming.  I wish it would just stop.

The lies.  I know my mind is lying but sometimes is just easier to just accept the fact that I’m not worthy of a life of love and laughter.  I’m not worthy of someone’s time.  I’ve become an afterthought or even just a booty call and that’s all I deserve.

My mind is a liar and I just accept it.

I don’t know how to ask for help.

Tears stream down my face as I type this.

Every day I just feel more broken.

That Damn Knee

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Depression has always been my nemesis.  I have openly and honestly admitted it.  I write about it.  I talk about it.

What I've been feeling lately isn't exactly depression.  It is just an odd feeling.

I get testy and snappy.  

I feel like crying one minute and the next I'm fine.

I have a lot going on.

My job has been keeping me busy.  I work dumb hours.  I wake up at 3 am to get to work by 4.  I'm supposed to be done around 1 pm.  

Note the word "supposed".

I've been adjusting to my new schedule and the brutal, physical demands of what I do.

Wait...I should say most of me has been adjusting.

My left knee has been noticeably protesting.  

I saw the orthopedic surgeon today.  The same handsome doctor that fixed it nine years ago.  We did some x-rays and we looked at the x-rays.  Both of us said almost in unison, "that looks kind of ugly". 

The knee joint is basically bone on bone.

This explains all of the pain.

I knew it.

I left his office with a promise that I would consider having the joint replaced.

I went and sat in my car and cried.

That odd feeling.

Who do I talk to about it?  Who do I go to when I have things to decide?  If I had it done, who would help me? 

All of the questions just came flooding in with a very noticeable feeling of odd.

I'm alone.

99% of my time is spent alone.

Hell, I'm alone right now.

(The dog doesn't count.)

My mom is no longer around to talk to.  My dad is suffering from his own aliments.  

How do I decide when and if I should get this damn knee taken care of?  What do I do for money when I can't work?  Who would lead my team?  How will I climb the stairs to my apartment?

So many dumb questions....

And then this overwhelming feeling of loneliness.

Damn knee

Bad Teeth

As I sit here, my numbing is wearing off.  I can feel it start to throb.  I have tears.  I've been in pain for quite some time.  I never say anything about it since I am embarrassed.

I have a huge fear of the dentist.  It has been this way for many years stemming back to childhood.

The pain got to me and I saw a new dentist today in hopes to have the pain relieved. My coworkers highly recommended him.

I sat in the chair and started to shake.  My fear was overwhelming.  He was so good about me being a baby and understood that there are people like me who have had such bad experiences.

I get numbed up and had xrays.  He examined my teeth.  I braced myself.

Bad news.....it isn't an easy fix.

I waited too long and not just one tooth is the root of the problem but four.

And.....they have to come out.

I started to cry.

He quickly reassured me that an oral surgeon can knock me out and remove them and then we can get implants.

I sat there with worry.

How in the hell am I going to pay for it?

Who is going to drive me to surgery?

Are the implants going to hurt?

To top it off, I couldn't have anything done today except start antibiotics as one tooth is ugly infected.  The other three are badly broken.

So penicillin and Oxycontin it is until I can get to the oral surgeon. 

ugh.....

This totally sucks.

Ever Wonder What it Feels Like?

I've reread some of my old blog entries.  I pulled several off of my blog and tucked them away in a safe place.  I was told once that they made certain people uncomfortable.

Well, hell, ,depression IS uncomfortable.  It is an icky, awful, mood altering, horrible, alone kind of feeling.  You feel it envelope you like a greasy skin weighing you down so much so you feel like you will never ever stand up again.  You lie when you are asked if you are ok.  You fake a smile or a laugh when inside you are crumbling.  You feel unlovable, broken in some way.  You think that everyone who sees you, sees your ugly side.

Doctors can give you pills, therapists can give you advice, but it still lurks and awaits your weak moment and then.....

BLAM!

it hits you.

So yeah, it is uncomfortable.

duh...

I was told once (during my ickiest feelings) that someone came across my blog and was made to feel uncomfortable by some of my writing.  I was upset and pulled them all.  I probably shouldn't have.  I don't mind sharing my feelings and thoughts.  I am sure that there are hundreds if not thousands out here just like me.

So I was thinking about that moment where I was told about making someone uncomfortable.  Then I went to my blog stash and reread my feelings and thoughts that I wrote at the moment of feeling them.  I also remember how it felt to write it down and do a mind dump.  It can be therapeutic.  It can also let someone else know that they aren't alone in this feeling.

So if you just read all of this and feel uncomfortable.....

just imagine how I feel.

Afraid to Sleep

He comes into my dreams, uninvited.

Sometimes I find myself yelling at him.  Sometimes I am crying.  Sometimes we are back to where we were before everything turned wrong.  Sometimes he is just there.

He haunts me still.

A year after.

He still has control and I cannot make him leave.

He is sleeping with my friends.  He is telling me that he doesn't love me, over and over again.

How does this happen?

How does he still exist in my mind when he chose to leave a year ago?  How does he continue to torment me?  How does he manage to turn my thoughts into him?  How does he control me from within? 

I cannot control my dreams and maybe he knows this.

Perhaps my pain still lingers.  

Unending.