A Beautiful Emotional Mess

I dropped my Coke on the garage floor and stood over it and cried.

I'm a mess emotionally lately.

I haven't been sleeping.  I haven't been eating.

I put on a happy face and fake it to the world but in private, my face is sad.

I feel so alone lately.

I worry that it is only going to get worse.  My son is grown and moved out.  My daughter is a teenager and doing her own thing.

I read some where that loneliness is a faster cause of death than smoking. 

I miss having someone to love and to love me as I deserve.  This time of year is the hardest.  

I tend to feel unlovable and worthless.  I feel that men never want to be the person that I deserve.  I just build a wall around myself and wallow in my self pity.

Hell, I fear commitment.  Every relationship I've had just blew up into ugly.

But I can't just give up.

So I stood over my Coke and cried.

That Damn Knee

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Depression has always been my nemesis.  I have openly and honestly admitted it.  I write about it.  I talk about it.

What I've been feeling lately isn't exactly depression.  It is just an odd feeling.

I get testy and snappy.  

I feel like crying one minute and the next I'm fine.

I have a lot going on.

My job has been keeping me busy.  I work dumb hours.  I wake up at 3 am to get to work by 4.  I'm supposed to be done around 1 pm.  

Note the word "supposed".

I've been adjusting to my new schedule and the brutal, physical demands of what I do.

Wait...I should say most of me has been adjusting.

My left knee has been noticeably protesting.  

I saw the orthopedic surgeon today.  The same handsome doctor that fixed it nine years ago.  We did some x-rays and we looked at the x-rays.  Both of us said almost in unison, "that looks kind of ugly". 

The knee joint is basically bone on bone.

This explains all of the pain.

I knew it.

I left his office with a promise that I would consider having the joint replaced.

I went and sat in my car and cried.

That odd feeling.

Who do I talk to about it?  Who do I go to when I have things to decide?  If I had it done, who would help me? 

All of the questions just came flooding in with a very noticeable feeling of odd.

I'm alone.

99% of my time is spent alone.

Hell, I'm alone right now.

(The dog doesn't count.)

My mom is no longer around to talk to.  My dad is suffering from his own aliments.  

How do I decide when and if I should get this damn knee taken care of?  What do I do for money when I can't work?  Who would lead my team?  How will I climb the stairs to my apartment?

So many dumb questions....

And then this overwhelming feeling of loneliness.

Damn knee

Good Night Nobody

She decided to get up from the couch and head for bed.  She locked the doors and turned out the lights and slowly climbed the stairs.

She checked in on the children, gave them each one last kiss goodnight and sighed.  The children became instant reminders of the broken promises made by their fathers.  Today was a long day.

She turned her light on low and hung up her work clothes from earlier that evening and changed into her pajamas.  Thoughts of him filled her mind and she flipped on the tv for an instant distraction.  The late night show that they cuddled and watched together filled the screen.  Tears stung in her eyes and she cursed the power that he still had over her.

Days turned into months since she had last heard from him; her calls went unanswerd, her text messages were ignored.  This is the time of night that they usually spent talking and laughing and now it just became empty and silent.

She quickly swore at Jay Leno and turned him off with the push of a button.

She lay in the darkness with memories in her head.  The tears wouldn't stop no matter how hard she fought them.  She damned him for not letting her go, not telling her it was over, not speaking to her at all.

She wished that she mattered more to him.  Her friends said that she deserved better.  She wanted a normal relationship but was left empty and broken with no answers and no closure.  He has said that he loved her and she believed him.  She felt like a fool.  Her tears mourned for her heart.

Eventually the tears slowed and she was tired.  Tomorrow was another day.

She sighed and covered herself as she rolled over and said good night to nobody.

Ever Wonder What it Feels Like?

I've reread some of my old blog entries.  I pulled several off of my blog and tucked them away in a safe place.  I was told once that they made certain people uncomfortable.

Well, hell, ,depression IS uncomfortable.  It is an icky, awful, mood altering, horrible, alone kind of feeling.  You feel it envelope you like a greasy skin weighing you down so much so you feel like you will never ever stand up again.  You lie when you are asked if you are ok.  You fake a smile or a laugh when inside you are crumbling.  You feel unlovable, broken in some way.  You think that everyone who sees you, sees your ugly side.

Doctors can give you pills, therapists can give you advice, but it still lurks and awaits your weak moment and then.....

BLAM!

it hits you.

So yeah, it is uncomfortable.

duh...

I was told once (during my ickiest feelings) that someone came across my blog and was made to feel uncomfortable by some of my writing.  I was upset and pulled them all.  I probably shouldn't have.  I don't mind sharing my feelings and thoughts.  I am sure that there are hundreds if not thousands out here just like me.

So I was thinking about that moment where I was told about making someone uncomfortable.  Then I went to my blog stash and reread my feelings and thoughts that I wrote at the moment of feeling them.  I also remember how it felt to write it down and do a mind dump.  It can be therapeutic.  It can also let someone else know that they aren't alone in this feeling.

So if you just read all of this and feel uncomfortable.....

just imagine how I feel.