In a few hours I was born 48 years ago.
I struggle a bit with this birthday for some reason. I'm not turning 50 or 60. I wasn't angry when I turned 40. For some odd reason, I hate the fact that I will be 48.
Mom has been gone for over 4 years now. Her telling the story of my birth resonates in my mind. We used to get drunk on red wine and she would tell the tale of being in labor, wanting that last cigarette four times, making my dad drive all over looking at lights, the doctor being MIA and the nuns putting her to sleep.
I popped out 48 minutes after midnight.
I am almost positive that if the events didn't happen, my birthday would be today.
I think the main reason that this birthday upsets me is the fact every day when I walk into work, there is a countdown to Christmas. This countdown also is to my birthday. This countdown reminds me of the days to when my mom isn't here to tell the story of my birth.
Jesus may have his story told over and over.
I miss mine.
Usually this time of year I think about what to write about in my Christmas letter.
I am one of those old school people who send cards with letters in them with actual postage stamps and everything.
I often think my letters are boring. Well, except that one year when I told everyone that my son was an European soccer star and my 8 year old daughter ran off to marry the prince of some unknown country. Yes, I actually did write all that since it was amusing and it wasn't the standard "everyone is just great" letter.
This year has been a bad one as far as years go.
I lost my home. I lost my job. I lost a battle with the health insurance company and my surgery was denied.
Sometimes I have half a mind to write all of that in the letter. Family and friends have no idea what kind of crap happens over here.
I always think that the new year will be different, better some how. It just never seems to get any better.
Oh well...
Maybe I will just write a poem:
Jingle Bells, Santa smells...
This year kinda sucked
Hoping next year is better.
:-)
