Night Ramblings

It is my most favorite time of the day.

Night

I surround myself in darkness and turn off all the noise (except for my laptop of course).  I can hear the wind in the trees and the soft chirp of the crickets or frogs or whatever it is.

Night

It has always given me comfort.

As a small child I would stay up to all hours to listen to the sound of night.  To coat myself with the darkness, I almost always felt invisible.

I was never ever afraid of the dark.  I would welcome it.

Sometimes I wander outside to look at the stars and greet the moon.  I would wait to see of I could find a shooting star.  I sometimes talk the dark trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings.

My mom would often tell stories of my little feet on the floor at all hours of the night.  I would go from one window to the other trying to see what the night had offered.  

As a teenager I would drive to the big lake and watch the night over the water.  The moonlight would dance across the soft waves, giving me comfort.

Night

When the storms came at night, I would sit on our front porch with my mom.  The air just before the storm would almost be electric.  We would sit in silence and watch the lightening and hear the thunder.  It could be almost as late as 3 am but it didn't matter.

I guess night was always my most favorite part of the day.

Third Anniversary

Funny how we can remember the small details in a life changing moment.

Tomorrow is the third anniversary of my mother's death.

We knew it was coming but didn't expect it so soon.

I called her in the hospital that morning from work.  I never did this.  There was just that pull to do it and she said that she was being transferred to a larger hospital.  I asked if I should come.  Her responses was, "Jesus Christ, no."  I knew she was going to be fine and would call her again once she settled in at Marquette.  I told her I loved her and she said she loved me.

Not more than four hours later, she was gone.

I was having lunch with my co-workers.  It was my going away lunch as I was leaving to go onto new things.

My sister called me as we were leaving the restaurant.

Mom was gone.

I let out a cry and felt everyone look at me.  I didn't care.

My mom was gone.

As much as that woman drove me bat shit crazy.  I loved her.

I still love her.

I carry her with me always.

There are days where I wish that there was more time.  There are times when I wish I could have been there when she left.

I am so thankful that I made that call the morning.  

She left knowing I loved her.  She left with me knowing she loved me.

(The photo is me and mom on my 26th birthday.  She always bought me glittery sweaters.  I hated it but I wore it because I love her.)

Stingy

I haven't written in awhile.

I do miss it and during random parts of my day, I think...."I should blog about that".

Then I get home, exhausted, hungry and uninspired.

It is sad but I always say that if I don't come home from work tired, I didn't do my job right.

Anyway, that isn't why I decided to write.

I have realized that I have become very stingy with my free time.  I see many people every day.  I talk to strangers.  I help them find what they are looking for.  I talk to my coworkers.  I help them every day with this and that.

When I get home.  I want my time.

It is kind of weird.

I sometimes don't even want to talk on the phone.

Time is something that I don't have much of.

On my days off, I like to sit and do my own thing.  I have even pulled out my beads and crap to start working on my creative jive again.

On another thought....isn't stingy a funny word?