Losing My Religion

I just took the dog out to pee and the night air was so mild.  I looked up into the night and found myself praying to God.

This might seem sort of normal to most (or not) but for me it was profound.

I've been an atheist for years.  I had lost my faith.  After so many hurts and scars, I lost my trust in so many, even God.  I suppose many could judge me and wonder how I could turn my back to God.  When prayers went unanswered and a pastor and congregation failed to be an instrument of support in my most desperate time of need, it was easy to let go of my faith.

I don't talk about the bad things.  They still linger in the background, more as a reminder of how strong I can be.  The best way to heal to to acknowledge the past but look to the future.

I think the most profound aspect of healing was my decision to move back home.  

Back to where I was before I was broken.

Catching myself praying for strength during this time caused tears because I knew that my healing process is working.  I am letting people in.  I tell people that I love them and that they matter to me.  Opening up my heart to accept love in is all part of it.

Tears fell and I was thankful that I am able to forgive God for some of the heavier wrongs in my life.  I think I am seeing them more as scars, not fully healed but still able to see the wound and remember that it didn't kill me.

I am not fully healed, hell, I may never be.  

But I have begun to forgive myself, those who have hurt me and most importantly....

forgive God.

Amen

Night Ramblings

It is my most favorite time of the day.

Night

I surround myself in darkness and turn off all the noise (except for my laptop of course).  I can hear the wind in the trees and the soft chirp of the crickets or frogs or whatever it is.

Night

It has always given me comfort.

As a small child I would stay up to all hours to listen to the sound of night.  To coat myself with the darkness, I almost always felt invisible.

I was never ever afraid of the dark.  I would welcome it.

Sometimes I wander outside to look at the stars and greet the moon.  I would wait to see of I could find a shooting star.  I sometimes talk the dark trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings.

My mom would often tell stories of my little feet on the floor at all hours of the night.  I would go from one window to the other trying to see what the night had offered.  

As a teenager I would drive to the big lake and watch the night over the water.  The moonlight would dance across the soft waves, giving me comfort.

Night

When the storms came at night, I would sit on our front porch with my mom.  The air just before the storm would almost be electric.  We would sit in silence and watch the lightening and hear the thunder.  It could be almost as late as 3 am but it didn't matter.

I guess night was always my most favorite part of the day.