Never Really Been Loved by a Hand That Touched Me

It's about two hours before the New Year here.  I am sitting home alone in bed drinking a glass of cola.

Exciting eh?

Lately I've had a lot on my mind about my single status. 

I turned fourty eight a week ago.  I think my last relationship was about 6ish years ago.  It ended badly.  He lied and cheated.  It has taken me a long time to get past it.

Maybe I'm not past it.

The lyrics of a Matchbox 20 song, Push, roll around in my head.

"And I don't know if I've ever been really loved by a hand that touched me,

And I feel like something's gonna give,

And I'm a little bit angry."

Looking back on all the past years I don't think I have ever really been loved.  I have been told that I was loved but I've never felt it.

I have never had a man care about my well being or my feelings or even bent over backwards to do something nice for me.

I've been married twice and have never had a romantic proposal.  One was where he tossed the ring on the table and the other came home drunk and just said "let's get married".  

What the hell?

I've been taken advantage of, cheated on, left, used and just treated like a non-person.

I'm angry about it.

I am a good person with a big heart.  

However, the heart is very guarded.  My eyes well up with tears as I type this because it is so sad to realize the truth.

Sometimes I wonder why no one asks me out to dinner or a movie.  Or when they ask me out, it seems that they have a hidden agenda.  I sense sexual over tones in messages and turn them down.

I'm an empath, its what I do.

All this time, I never followed my senses.  I thought that if someone got to know me, they would love me.  They would want my love.

It never happened that way.

So here I sit alone again.