What Do You Bring to the Table?

 

I just realized that I haven't written in awhile.  I guess life has been pretty good lately.

Well, until....

So a guy "slides into my DMs" (like all the cool kids say.  For us older people... This guy messages me on Facebook... not Facebook Dating but actual Facebook.  He asks if we can get to know each other.  To which I respond with a "sure".  He asks questions and I respond.  When I don't respond I get accused of not being interested.  I really am not interested.  I am not aware that Facebook is a dating site.

So this goes back and forth and he puts the pressure on to meet.  I don't really want to meet.  I have the "no new people" mentality as of late and he qualifies as a new person.

I am in my 50's.  I make my own money. I pay my own bills.  I don't need a man.  I am at peace with my life at the moment.  If I invite you in, you better bring something to the table that isn't already on the menu.

He's unemployed.  He seems desperate to be with someone.  He's throwing red flags like they are confetti.

But he wore me down and I agree to meet.

So we meet for drinks and I think we have a good conversation.  I am still cautious.  He touches my hair. (Red Flag).  He touches my back. (Red Flag).

I don't like strangers touching me.

I ignore the flags.  I'm not planning a wedding, it is just drinks after all.

So as we are talking, I am looking to see what he is bringing to my table.  We have a few common interests but nothing to ask him to pull up a chair.  As we leave the bar, he asks if he can kiss me and I oblige.

The next day, I message him and tell him that I passed along his hello to my best friend's husband (they went to high school together).  He says he was wondering if I would message him.  I said I was busy with my side job and finally had a moment. (deck drinking)

He then proceeds to ask for a full length photo.

Are you fucking kidding me?

First of all, not only will you not be sitting at my table, I will ask you to leave the restaurant.

I said that I was not going to do that.

He then goes on to say that he didn't think I was the shy type and asked again for a front and back photo.

Seriously....

What the fuck?

"Why would I subject myself to judgment by a man that I already met me?  Either you like me or you don't.  At this age I don't need to show my body.  If you are looking for a super model, maybe you should try to talk to someone else."

That was my response.

Men my age are seriously single for a reason.

When I am comfortable with my single-ness, I really am picky about the menu.  If you don't have anything to offer, go sit at someone else's table.

24 Hours on Tinder

 

I decided to join Tinder so see what the hype was about.  I know it has been around awhile but I had become leery of online dating since the time I met someone on Plenty of Fish and he ended up licking my cheek.  I wrote about the incident once, but I am not in the mood to go look for it.

Anyway, about 24 hours ago, I signed up on Tinder.  

We were talking about it at work and I was just curious to see what would happen.  Being recently single after a brief relationship, I was willing to give it a shot.

I am still trying to figure it all out but in the last 24 hours, this is what I learned.

I would read an entire profile and see what they are looking for.  I swiped right on those who are looking for someone fun, someone to go do things with.  Some are looking for a long term, meaningful relationship.  So, I respond to messages of those I matches with and and they will still ask about your favorite sexual position in the first 10 minutes I find this a very interesting way to start off a potential long term relationship with a possible soul mate.  *insert eyeroll here*

I also have been asked to provide more photos of myself even though I look the same in all photos except this one:

And that is just me tired of being asked for more photos.

Speaking of photos...

Currently I have enough dick pics to wallpaper the garage.  Why do guys think that a dick is a turn on?  Most men don't even know how to use it correctly.  Seriously, they are not pretty and a lot of times they remind me of a turkey neck.  I received one such masterpiece and was asked is I like it and I said I couldn't give an honest opinion because I was still comparing it to the last dick pic I got.

Then they have the balls (see what I did there?) to ask for naked pics of me.  "Well, I sent you one of me, so...."  Seriously????  I didn't even ask for one of you.

My one favorite question that I get asked is "What are you looking for?".  I usually am a smart ass and respond with "I didn't know I lost anything."  Hell, what I am looking for to start with is a decent conversation.  You can send me all the dick pics you want but prove to me that you aren't stupid.  Send me a video of you reading out loud or solving a word problem.... hell, recite a Shakespearian sonnet. 

Another observation is when I send a message to someone to say hello, they respond "hi" and that's it.  Then crickets....  Buddy, you matched with me and I send a message and then nothing.  You can't possibly be looking for a relationship if you don't participate in conversation.  Am I wrong?

I also get told that I am pretty or sexy and then they want to know my breast size.  Do men really understand cup sizes?  What does the size of my boobs have to do with my intellect or my personality?  It's not like I keep my brain in them.  

Men who state that they want a serious relationship and then ask about your boobs aren't very serious about any relationship.

Being in my 50's, I am more into a relationship that is more than just dicks and boobs.  Are we even going to try a favorite position when we are in our 80's? 

If you are looking for a serious relationship, then there is more to just asking about cup sizes and dick pics.  Strike up a good conversation, pick a topic that doesn't lead to sexual bullshit.  Pick my brain, make me laugh, stop asking for more pictures and for God's sake, put your penis away.

A Girl Like Me 2.0

 

A girl like me overthinks.

A girl like me needs to realize that she doesn't need to have someone tell her that she's beautiful because she is.

A girl like me needs to not allow her insecurities to lie to her.

A girl like me should know her worth and not allow the unspoken words manifest in her mind.

A girl like me should not be afraid to have difficult conversations.

A girl like me needs to communicate her feelings to a guy like him.

A girl like me needs to understand that a guy like him is not like the other guys that hurt her.

A girl like me needs to realize that a guy like him will not know how a girl like me thinks and feels unless I share it.

A girl like me cannot assume that a guy like him will know what is wrong unless we have a conversation.

A girl like me needs to stop overthinking and just breathe.

Sex is Easy, Relationships are Hard

 It has been 3009 days since I was in a relationship.  That's a little over 8 years.

God, I sound like I just stood up at an AA meeting.

The ending of that relationship winged me a bit, sort of knocked me of the horse, took the wind out of my sails.....

You get the picture.

I don't think that was the whole reason to choose not to date though.

You see, I had therapy.  (insert winky face)

I actually had really good therapy.  After the ending of that relationship, I sought help to find out why I was choosing the same man over and over again to be connected with.

Now, there is a whole lot of psychobabble and what for as to why I stayed single for so long but I will put it in a nut shell.

(I must admit, there is a long pause here that you can't really see because I have to try to put a lot of stuff in a tiny nut shell.)

Maybe I won't try to nut shell it.....  still pausing....

But I did choose men who either cheated or just disappeared on me.

Yes, disappeared.  (That's a whole other story.)

I had to spend time with myself to get to know the real me in other to understand what I should look for in a partner.  I have to understand my own needs and wants and not give into the "dealbreakers" in order to just be with someone.

I bet at this point you are wondering when I would start talking about sex, eh?

For the last 8 years, I have been looking within myself for the things that I can offer someone freely and discover my own happiness on my own.  With that being said, I still needed sex.

Not many people would willingly admit that but come on...we all need to have some sort of contact with...well....you know.

I had a certain friend who I saw on occasion for a meeting of the, er, um "minds".  A chance to unwind and not worry about all the other crap that affects us on a daily basis.

It worked for 8 whole years.

I knew that I couldn't give 100% to a relationship and I understood that he couldn't give 100% to a relationship and we came to the conclusion that we would just give each other what we needed at the time and that was that.

Was it hard to not "catch feelings"?  Oh yes, but you can still care for someone without saying the "L" word out loud.  We just had to accept the terms of our relationship and carry on as such.

The one thing that was easy about the sex is that we knew where we stood.  The expectation was clear .  There were no unsaid words and no assuming anything other than a roll in the hay.  It was very doable.

So where am I going with all this....

Recently a friend said "sex is easy, relationships are hard".

Oh how true that is.

The sex part of it was so damn easy.

Relationships are hard.

and scary

To put you vulnerabilities out there for someone to accept is very terrifying.

What is they don't like me on my bad days?

Oh and what about that word????  You know....

The "L" word.

To love someone is amazing yes, but you also risk getting your heart broken.

Who in the hell wants to go through that?

in my case....again.

You have to show your faults and needs and desires and life with someone to love them.  It's scary and it's hard.

It can also be beautiful.

It all depends on how much of a gamble you are willing to take.

Sex is such a small part of a relationship.

But it's the easy part.

His Voice

 

I actually heard him before I saw him.  His voice is the very same that once whispered in my ear, the very same that laughed with mine, the very same that lied.

He didn't see me.  I made sure if that.  If we had made eye contact, I am not sure what would have happened and I just am not ready to find out.

I knew I would run into him eventually.  I knew he had moved back to our hometown and it isn't a very large place.  Hell, technically, we live on a freaking island.

It was eight years ago that we last spoke, but my ears could tell, it was him.  I took a peek to see and it was him but only fatter and his hair was growing in a ring instead of being bald.  I made sure that he wouldn't see me.  I had my mask on and my hair over my eyes.  I am still not prepared for a polite hello or even a nod.

A punch to the head maybe.....

It is amazing how just a simple sound can trigger such an emotion.  Everything flooded back into the forefront of my mind.  The memory of an immense hurt and feelings of inadequacy, such a powerful emotion to feel.

I've been through therapy and worked hard at getting my strength back.  I have learned that what happened was not due to anything that I had done.  Cheaters and liars do what they do because of their own demons and they take apart anyone in their wake.

That instant of hearing his voice, triggered that one instance of going back to the place before I got help, that one instance of feeling small and insignificant.  I felt that I wasn't enough once again.  It was a dark place that I really didn't want to encounter again.

Seriously though, there wasn't anything special about him.  He is an ordinary man, doing an ordinary job in a small town.  He isn't a prince or even important.  He just was him.

And yet, during our time, he was mine and I trusted everything.  I believe everything.  

But that was my side of the coin....

A different reality was happening on his side.

I will never truly understand why he was the way he was with me.  I never will.  I can't just ask him because he holds no truth.

Sometimes I wish that he would know my truth.  How I was left and how broken I was.  I wish he could know how much hurt his deceit had caused.  Perhaps it really doesn't matter now. 

It's been eight years.  Eight long years of trying to figure out how to trust again.  How to open up and show my heart.  How to let someone in.  Even now, I still don't know if I can fully do it.  My heart hurts in fear just typing it.

Not everyone is my ex.  <-- I need that on a card or something to remind myself.

It is still strange how his voice is what I heard first after so many years.  It caused me to stumble a little, but I am good now.

Never Really Been Loved by a Hand That Touched Me

It's about two hours before the New Year here.  I am sitting home alone in bed drinking a glass of cola.

Exciting eh?

Lately I've had a lot on my mind about my single status. 

I turned fourty eight a week ago.  I think my last relationship was about 6ish years ago.  It ended badly.  He lied and cheated.  It has taken me a long time to get past it.

Maybe I'm not past it.

The lyrics of a Matchbox 20 song, Push, roll around in my head.

"And I don't know if I've ever been really loved by a hand that touched me,

And I feel like something's gonna give,

And I'm a little bit angry."

Looking back on all the past years I don't think I have ever really been loved.  I have been told that I was loved but I've never felt it.

I have never had a man care about my well being or my feelings or even bent over backwards to do something nice for me.

I've been married twice and have never had a romantic proposal.  One was where he tossed the ring on the table and the other came home drunk and just said "let's get married".  

What the hell?

I've been taken advantage of, cheated on, left, used and just treated like a non-person.

I'm angry about it.

I am a good person with a big heart.  

However, the heart is very guarded.  My eyes well up with tears as I type this because it is so sad to realize the truth.

Sometimes I wonder why no one asks me out to dinner or a movie.  Or when they ask me out, it seems that they have a hidden agenda.  I sense sexual over tones in messages and turn them down.

I'm an empath, its what I do.

All this time, I never followed my senses.  I thought that if someone got to know me, they would love me.  They would want my love.

It never happened that way.

So here I sit alone again.

Just Love Her

Just love her...

She will open your world.  She will help you see things in a whole new way.  She will make you laugh at the most inopportune times.              

Just love her...

She will strip you naked and kiss every inch of your skin.  She will make you feel new feels.  She will look at you and you will just know, you are hers.

Just love her...

She will open a universe of stars for you to see.  She will make you think.  She will frustrate the hell out of you.  She will challenge you.

Just love her...

She will watch you sleep.  She will inhale your breath.  She will wake you at 3 am just because she craves your taste.    

Just love her...

She will make you feel as if you are the only person she sees.  She will smile a smile that is only for you.  She will only hear your voice.

Just love her...

She will give you a bond that is stronger than for better or worse.  She will care for your hurts.  She will understand your sorrow.

Just love her...

She will let you feel her from the inside.  She will bring you to new heights.  She will look at you as if you were the only person see has ever seen.

Just love her...

She will love you.

An Open Message to Mike

You know....I loved you once.

Once upon a time long ago.  Back when I trusted everything you said. 

I believed that you had loved me too. I loved you deeply and completely.  I opened myself up to you.  I never loved anyone else as much as I did you. Honestly, I didn't see myself with any other man, ever.  I looked forward to a future with you.  

You were my one and only.

Then you left.

Not just once, but twice.

Broken heart each fucking time.

I used to be a very forgiving person.  I used to trust too.  I used to be a lot of things.

Lots of past tense words, eh?

I am not that person any more.

You text me now.  You say you miss "talking" to me.

Texting isn't talking.

The fact is, I don't miss you.  I don't miss your sweet words.  I don't miss your fine talk.  I don't miss our private little jokes.  I don't miss any more of your sugar coated bull shit.


I deserve much better.

At first I couldn't figure out why, after all these years, did you choose to miss me all of a sudden.  I was baffled as to why you would poke at my heart again with an email.  

Then it dawned on me and I did some digging.  

I think you forgot how cleverly, smart I am.

I see that she's divorcing you.

Sometimes I Feel Like I Need to Apologize to My Kid

I don't know how well this is going to come across in writing since it is over 2:30 in the freaking morning.  I don't have insomnia like I have in the past.  I just have a head full of anger.

My son has been going through some crap lately.  Not just a little crap but a whole big shit ton of crap.

I feel so helpless.

I know how he feels and no matter what someone says or does, it won't make anything better.

I totally get that.

The one thing that really burns my toast is that his father is totally unconnected.  It is almost like since my kid was born, he has not been anything to his own father.

I know he reached out and mention to his dad the things that have been happening to him and didn't really get a reply.

The father has absolutely no idea what his kid is dealing with.

My son told me that he feels like he doesn't mean anything to his dad unless it involves money.

My heart sank.

This man has no idea what a wonderful kid he is ignoring.  He has no freaking idea how much his kid needs a father figure for advice or even as a sounding board.

I hate the fact that this man seems to be such an awesome dad to his other kids but doesn't even give a rats ass about his oldest.

I wish I could tell him how I feel but I don't think it will do a damn bit of good.  It never did any good for my son's first 20 years.  Even if I did tell him, he would some how turn it all into my fault anyway.

I hate this man.

It is such a sad situation and I feel like I need to apologize to my son for giving him such an asshole for a father.

Good Night Nobody

She decided to get up from the couch and head for bed.  She locked the doors and turned out the lights and slowly climbed the stairs.

She checked in on the children, gave them each one last kiss goodnight and sighed.  The children became instant reminders of the broken promises made by their fathers.  Today was a long day.

She turned her light on low and hung up her work clothes from earlier that evening and changed into her pajamas.  Thoughts of him filled her mind and she flipped on the tv for an instant distraction.  The late night show that they cuddled and watched together filled the screen.  Tears stung in her eyes and she cursed the power that he still had over her.

Days turned into months since she had last heard from him; her calls went unanswerd, her text messages were ignored.  This is the time of night that they usually spent talking and laughing and now it just became empty and silent.

She quickly swore at Jay Leno and turned him off with the push of a button.

She lay in the darkness with memories in her head.  The tears wouldn't stop no matter how hard she fought them.  She damned him for not letting her go, not telling her it was over, not speaking to her at all.

She wished that she mattered more to him.  Her friends said that she deserved better.  She wanted a normal relationship but was left empty and broken with no answers and no closure.  He has said that he loved her and she believed him.  She felt like a fool.  Her tears mourned for her heart.

Eventually the tears slowed and she was tired.  Tomorrow was another day.

She sighed and covered herself as she rolled over and said good night to nobody.