What Do I Want to be When I Grow Up?

 I was digging in a box and came across one of my scrapbooks that my mom made with things from when I was a little kid.  There were things like valentine cards from kindergarten, birthday cards, report cards and a few of my early drawings.

One drawing must have been an assignment from kindergarten.  The caption on the drawing is "I want to be a farm girl".

Most likely is was a prompt "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Thinking about it now, kids are asked...what do you want to be?

Firemen, police officer, teacher, scientist, mail carrier.....

Not one of us ever thought...

I want to be happy.

We were pushed into career choices at such a young age.  We gear our education towards a career.  We aim for a career.

We never aim to be happy.

For most of my life, I have battled severe depression.  I have attempted careers.  None have resulted in happiness.  Some have resulted in the feeling of failure.

Why aren't we encouraging our children to be happy?

I remember my mother's reaction about wanting to be a farm girl.  She said that I really didn't want to be one.  I should be someone who makes money and support myself.  Happiness was never a thought.  If she would have just said, just as long as you are happy, that is what is important.

Looking back on some of my "life choices", I realize that they really weren't my own choices.

I really wanted to go to school to mold my creativity into something that would give me joy..... happiness.

If you are happy, are you really poor?

Now I am spending a majority of my time creating.  I work long hours and give up plans in order to finish an idea.  I lost my job but so far, I am able to support myself.

I may not be entirely happy, but it is a start.

Regrets

I used to say that I never wanted to have any regrets.  This was many years ago.

Lately I've been reflecting on things and I've discovered that I do live with regrets.

There was a time when I wanted to be a graphic designer.  I wanted to go to school in Colorado.  I wanted to live an exciting life and experience new things.

I wanted to be successful.  I had big hopes for myself.

Funny, life didn't play out that way.

My biggest regret was not taking that chance to go and do those things.  I held back because I just didn't believe that I could.

My second biggest regret was no finishing what I started.  I ended up going to college locally and majored in economics.  I left my senior year with about 16 credits to go.

Once I had kids, I always told them that having an education is important.  Once you have it, no one can take that away from you.

My son is now an engineer and my daughter is planing on becoming a veterinarian. 

But what kind of example am I setting?

An opportunity presented itself so I am seizing it.  

Currently I am going after my degree in economics.

I may not be able to right everything that I regret but I can tick one off the list.

Life it just too short to live with regret.  

You Need to Take the Leap Off the Diving Board and Pray That You Can Remember How to Swim

I have always been afraid of change.  Ok, well...not afraid but I just dislike it.

I guess I tend to stick with what I know and pretend to be happy.

Key word in the previous sentence is "pretend".

Pretending to be happy tend to get old and makes me grumpy and sad.  I can only be grumpy and sad for so long before it eats at me until I am forced to make a change.

Change and courage go hand in hand for me.

It takes courage to change.

I have had so much change in the last couple of weeks.  It is almost like change overload.  So as I sit and write this, I am in kind of a fog.

I lost my mom a week ago today.  She was diagnosed with cancer of the lungs, bones and adrenal glands back in August.  We knew the end was coming but we always expected to have more time.  I think everyone thinks that time is continuous in some sort of way.  We tend to forget that time has a limit.  It has been hard adjusting to this change.  She isn't there anymore when I go to pick up the phone.  She isn't there when I need to tell someone something grown up like.  It is just weird.

I am not fond of this type of change.

The other change is today was my last day of my old job.  I have been working for the same company for over 7 years.  This was a record for me.  I never intended to stay that long.  It just sort of happened.  My job was a big part of my life.  If you think of it, when you spend 8 hours a day for five days a week for about 48 weeks a year (includes vacations and such).  That's a lot of time in one place.  Hell, I don't think I spend that much time at home even and I pay rent for this place.  The job had its little changes.  It became challenging but not enough to kept me there.  I needed to change.

I was scared of this type of change.

But I did it.

I found a new job where I can meet new people and spread my wings a little.  I needed less stress.

Change takes courage.  We have to find the courage in ourselves to make that change.  Sometimes that little voice that whispers "you got to do something about it" can be the scariest thing.

Sometimes we just need to take that leap.