What Do I Want to be When I Grow Up?

 I was digging in a box and came across one of my scrapbooks that my mom made with things from when I was a little kid.  There were things like valentine cards from kindergarten, birthday cards, report cards and a few of my early drawings.

One drawing must have been an assignment from kindergarten.  The caption on the drawing is "I want to be a farm girl".

Most likely is was a prompt "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Thinking about it now, kids are asked...what do you want to be?

Firemen, police officer, teacher, scientist, mail carrier.....

Not one of us ever thought...

I want to be happy.

We were pushed into career choices at such a young age.  We gear our education towards a career.  We aim for a career.

We never aim to be happy.

For most of my life, I have battled severe depression.  I have attempted careers.  None have resulted in happiness.  Some have resulted in the feeling of failure.

Why aren't we encouraging our children to be happy?

I remember my mother's reaction about wanting to be a farm girl.  She said that I really didn't want to be one.  I should be someone who makes money and support myself.  Happiness was never a thought.  If she would have just said, just as long as you are happy, that is what is important.

Looking back on some of my "life choices", I realize that they really weren't my own choices.

I really wanted to go to school to mold my creativity into something that would give me joy..... happiness.

If you are happy, are you really poor?

Now I am spending a majority of my time creating.  I work long hours and give up plans in order to finish an idea.  I lost my job but so far, I am able to support myself.

I may not be entirely happy, but it is a start.

Insomnia is a Sanctimonious Bitch

 

Night two of not being able to sleep.  It doesn't surprise me.  I was due.

My head is full of chaos.  Restless thoughts bounce off the walls of my skull.  They feel almost like pop rocks on the tongue.

I watched videos.  I read a book.  I listened to music.  

I took melatonin.

Nothing seems to work.

I am tired but can't sleep.

I know, I know...I should not be on the computer.  I should try to relax.  I should find some zen.  I should spray lavender smelly shit.  I should do a lot of things.

Many people suffer from insomnia from time to time.  I'm not the only one.

At least it isn't depression.  Depression has been such an enemy.

I haven't been this happy in a very long time.

The beginning of the week started off a bit rough.  Car trouble, kid trouble, just things that cannot be controlled.  It happens.

I do miss being creative.  I need to have that outlet to release how I feel.  Creativity helps me put the chaos to canvas.

For now, I will type these words and hope that the thoughts become quiet for a bit.

Confessions of a Creative Mind

I have always been creative.

Ever since I was little I was always making something.  My mom saved Christmas cards and we used to cut out circles and put them together on contact paper to make placemats that we used during the holidays.

I would make Christmas ornaments out of anything.  My favorite was using colorful beads that reflected the lights of the tree,

I love arranging flowers.

I am so fascinated with color and how colors blend together or compliment each other.  I love color.  Love love love color.

I make bows and beaded jewelry, key chains, purse charms.  I've sent out handmade Christmas cards.

What got me started on my current addiction was butterflies in resin.  I had recently taken a trip to Phoenix, AZ and visited Butterfly Wonderland.  The gift shop had beautiful, colorful butterflies in resin for sale. So I purchased this butterfly:

I proceeded to try to put it in resin.  Note the key word "try".  I ended up setting the butterfly on fire and failed miserably.

So I went to YouTube to watch resin artists and how they do resin art work.  I decided that resin just isn't for me. One click led to another and I ended up watching Kanella Ciraco and was hooked.

Kanella Ciraco Art

She made it look so easy and I thought I would try it.  My first attempt was with metallic teal, copper and sky.

I love how it turned out.

So I tried another one with more colors.

I then found other artists on YouTube.  One used silicone in her paint and then swiped it with a paper towel.  I was in love.

Ann Osborne Art

Here is my first attempt:

I was amazed at how easy it is.  It is incredibly messy but sometimes you need to be messy to be creative.

Messy messy messy....

I find that when I am creative I am not as depressed as I can be.  During this uncertain time with the Covid-19 virus keeping us separate and in fear, I thought an outlet would help.

I can't even tell you how many paintings I have done within the last couple of weeks.  I do know that I have given away over $100 worth of completed works of art just because I want to share the beautiful colors with anyone who wanted one.

It just makes me happy.

So once I mastered the technique, I started trying new things to paint on.

It amazes me how much I enjoy creating.  I hope to continue growing as an artist and possibly do some bigger canvases.

Right now I only have my small kitchen table in my small apartment to work with but here's hoping to do big things in a small place.

Here are some examples of what I have done: